Sillyoldbear thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It sounds as if you and I have been through the same thing in a way. I will go back and read some of your posts to see the path you took towards healing your marriage.
I have to say that the sexual partner thing (his past) was something that I struggled with in the beginning of our marriage. I don't know when I finally came to terms with it, but I did. It was probably within the first year or two of our marriage. I think it's crept back in again because of the fact that I hit a breaking point with the SSM issues. Our kids are nearly grown (two in college and one a jr in HS) and I'm finally devoting more time to our marriage. I'm just not willing to settle anymore.
You are right that when one is feeling rejection you look for answers. I am a very analytical person and want to figure out why something is happening, fix it, and move on. He, on the other hand, just stuffs his feelings. To be fair, I'm sure this isn't the case all of the time, but quite often. I figure it goes hand in hand with the drinking. You know, drinking to forget. A perfect example of this is what took place last night. I really wanted to talk about the effect my AD is having on my sexual functioning; he, on the other hand, just wanted to sleep. He said I was thinking about it too much. That could be true, but I didn't admit it. Even if it was, it still doesn't solve the problem. I should know by now not to talk to him when he is tired. It gets me no where. I was in the mood to ML and he wasn't. It brought back some of those old feelings of hurt and rejection. We nearly had a fight, but talked through it and we went to bed.
It's funny that you said that you felt as if you were a room mate, etc to your wife. I told my DH something similar. I said I felt as if I was just there to cook, clean and take care of the kids (of course I enjoyed those things, but I wanted us to have a true marriage too). That I was like his mother, not his wife and lover. I also knew that he loved me, but felt it was more like the love you have for a sibling, not a wife. I guess there's some truth to some of this, I mean it was my perception of the situation, so it was true in my eyes, but from his point of view it wasn't true.
I know my attitude and constant need to analyze and talk things through drives him crazy. I know I need to back off and be happy for all of his good qualities. It is so easy to focus on the painful things that you start to overlook all of the good. It seems to me it's like a vicious cycle. I know that I can only change myself. I can't change him.
I appreciate your willingness to share your story with me. I'm sorry that it triggered sadness. But, it helps me to see that there's hope for me and my DH.
I'm going to go on posting here even if I don't get much of a response. I think it is therapeutic to get it out. I think it's the quality of responses not the quantity anyway. Plus, maybe what I write can help others.
I'm at the point now where I know I have to change my way of thinking. I need to work on making myself a better person. I need to focus less on him and our marriage and more on myself.
