Second, if your H is using drugs, no way, no how should S be around that. PERIOD. You have to protect S from that.
Third, as far as why he did anything, it is a question we all want answered, but, in the end, it doesn't matter. B/c the point is not to understand why. The point is to get ourselves to a point where we can handle whatever comes our way. That's tough, but it is the truth. None of us controls where our M's will end up. We only control how we react to it.
So, re-group on what your plan is. Sounds like pulling back from H for a while may not be a bad idea. Not being rude, but being lovingly detached.
About drugs, that's a good point, I should talk to my lawyer. Like I said, it's out of character, but he is also "self medicating" for anxiety and stress - it's a concern. Unfortunately, he does it all "off record" in other words, he absolutely makes sure his medical record is squeaky clean, then he diagnoses himself and gets the meds online without prescription. It's weird.
As for "why" - I guess my tendency is to ALWAYS blame myself. I guess I don't have to do this
It's weird - even through all the anger, the abuse, moving out, blaming me - I still remember the man I fell in love with who I could share anything with and he totally "got" me. I could trust him with anything. I don't know where that man is anymore, but I keep feeling he's in there somewhere. When the anger cools, perhaps that sweet person will feel ready to trust again. I just have no idea. Maybe he's gone for good. Maybe he never existed. All I know is I'm ready for someone who can love me even if I mess up. Even if I hurt them. Even if I ruin their stereo, or say things I should not have in anger, or scream and fight, or any other mistakes I've made. That no matter how hurtful I've been I'm ready for someone who knows in my heart I'm a good person and I care and I'm ready to give and receive love. Someone who can forgive and have compassion. I thought I married such a man, but he seems gone now.
I really appreciate all of your support. I wish I could afford a DB coach but I really can't as my H is the breadwinner and I"m the at home mom and I'm about to have a small piece of the pie - so that I can stay in the house. And, he pays the credit card bill so if he saw the DB charge - oooh, there'd be questions. So keep me on the DB straight and narrow friends! You're all I've got for now!
