Well think of it this way. What your doing has got you this far. Keep it going like this for a week or two. Then do a 180. If it does not work. Back pedal quickly Your in control now.
If some people who have been here could chime in
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
NO R TALKS! At this stage they will only damage things as your H is still in the "I'm done for good" state of mind. Nothing you can do or so will change that at this time.
You cannot guess what he is thinking or feeling and at this point it seems he is not ready to talk about it. For all we know he could be making an attempt to be extra nice to you as he knows you have an appt. to seek legal counsel later this week. Speculation wastes precious time and energy and all that energy needs to be focused on you, your changes and the process of detachment.
There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. For example, him sleeping over without prior discussion about it. I personally would not allow that. My home is not a hotel. But when you push a WAS spouse for answers, even in a controlled setting such as MC, chances are the answers you will hear won't be what you want.
It took much longer than 2 weeks for your marriage problems to begin and it will take far more than a pleasant week of exchanges for them to be solved.
If you don't like being in limbo then set boundaries and remove yourself from limbo. Listen more than you speak and attach NO expectations to anything your H does right now. If and when he is ready to have a R talk he will let you know. If he asks what happens when you meet with your legal counsel I would simply tell him that it was a productive and informative meeting and leave it at that.
I still think you need to make yourself far less available to him. Right now he has full control over the R and knows you will jump at any chance to see or talk to him. When he calls, wait 24 or 48 hours to return his call unless the call is about the children. If he wants to come over tell him you have plans and be vague about what they are.
You need to regain some measure of personal power.
I completely agree with you on the R talk. But my MC seems to disagree. He did for sure bring it up in their session yesterday, as MC told me he was going to bring it up in our session earlier that morning. I wasn't there, so I don't know what happened. But when H brought the kids home last night, he was incredibly grumpy and admitted to it as well. But by the time he left he was happy. He hung out with us for a while and I cut his hair. I know I should not have let this happen. No boundary setting there. I'm really worried now that the MC pushed the R talk and he got upset and annoyed and is now pulling back again even though I was not a part of it whatsoever. I know the MC won't tell me what he said, but I can't help but worry that it didn't go well and that is the reason for his grumpiness. He also said he wanted to come over tonight and see the kids for a while before he goes back to work tomorrow. Should I leave when he gets here? Or tell him no, that if he wants to see the kids he hast to pick them up and take them elsewhere? I just don't want to be mean. Our house is filled with toys, and things to do, and I feel its a good place for them to spend time together. So maybe I should leave for a few hours. ???
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I'm really worried now that the MC pushed the R talk and he got upset and annoyed and is now pulling back again even though I was not a part of it whatsoever. I know the MC won't tell me what he said, but I can't help but worry that it didn't go well and that is the reason for his grumpiness.
...which brings us back to "you can't be responsible for his emotional state"! Seriously! You are still really emotionally entangled.
He is the one doing this to himself; not you, not your kids, not the MC.
Originally Posted By: britt54
He also said he wanted to come over tonight and see the kids for a while before he goes back to work tomorrow. Should I leave when he gets here? Or tell him no, that if he wants to see the kids he hast to pick them up and take them elsewhere? I just don't want to be mean.
Not your problem. You're supposed to have a life now, right? He needs to work himself into your routine.
You're talking a good game, but he still calls the shots.
Originally Posted By: britt54
Our house is filled with toys, and things to do, and I feel its a good place for them to spend time together. So maybe I should leave for a few hours. ???
This is up to you, but I'm getting to be in agreement with CityGirl; he shouldn't be allowed to drop in whenever he wants and throw your plans out of whack.
I'd say "Sure, you can come over. So-and-so wanted to grab dinner, so I'll leave you guys to do what you want for a couple of hours."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Well, H called earlier today and asked if he could take our S3 to a hockey game. So I said yes. He came and picked him up and left. When he came home after the game. He sat and talked for a few minutes. Just about general stuff. Nothing meaningful. And that was it. I have to start accepting that he isn't going to give me positive things EVERY time we see each other. But he did call me "hunny" again today. I know, I'm susceptible to this stuff, but its something isn't it?
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Well, H called earlier today and asked if he could take our S3 to a hockey game. So I said yes. He came and picked him up and left. When he came home after the game. He sat and talked for a few minutes. Just about general stuff. Nothing meaningful. And that was it. I have to start accepting that he isn't going to give me positive things EVERY time we see each other. But he did call me "hunny" again today. I know, I'm susceptible to this stuff, but its something isn't it?
It is. Like I said before; just because you shouldn't hang your hopes on every positive interaction doesn't mean you shouldn't appreciate them.
You also have to remember that it's going to be hard to understand his mood swings because on some level, he doesn't get them either. This splitting up isn't going the way he thought; you're not reacting the way he expected you to.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
True true. Now I woke up today in anger, impatience, stress, aggravated...etc. I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. I can't handle this anymore. He came by this morning to drop something off for me and the whole time he is flirting away, he cornered me in the kitchen was about 2 inches from my face joking around teasing me. I am not the only one who thinks this, as I had a friend here at the same time and she totally agrees that he flirted with me the whole time! She said she would go crazy if she were me, especially when he got so close to me in the kitchen. Ugh. I am just getting to the point where I need to sit down and talk to him. Like are you acting this way because you are coming around slowly? Or are you just wanting to be my best friend. Cause that ain't gonna happen. I can't be your best friend. Not right now anyway. Its like the past week and a half I have seen him every single day for some reason. Plus one sleepover! Ahh! I'm losing my mind. I just don't know how long I can sit here and wait for him to come around. I know its only been 5 weeks, but still. He is showing me too much and giving me too much to just ignore it. I feel like I need to talk to him especially about the conversation about the house and the different things he mentioned he wants to do to it. I just want to know why he told me all that stuff???? I don't know if I mentioned this work banquet of his on sat night. But he asked me to go. I'm going to go cause all my friends will be there and I always really enjoy myself but he is still really insistent that I go. Why does he want me there so badly if he doesn't want to R? It's just going to leave questions in everyone's minds that will be there. I can just imagine the strange looks we'll be getting all night. I'm trying not to care about what people think and just go for me. And to have a fun night. But he will be there. So I'm going to use it as a night to show him how fun I am, and how much fun he can have with me. I don't know what to do anymore. All my 180's, my GAL'ing seem to work one minute, but then nothing happens? Obviously we've come a far way in 5 weeks. But he's not home and that's where I want to be. I'm just getting impatient. I just want to talk to him soooo bad.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I've also read so many peoples sitch's where they don't get along very good, they argue and have more serious problems (infidelity, etc) and then they get past it and R. Well we don't have those major problems, we don't EVER argue. I can't remember the last time H and I argued. Probably back at the beginning of September. We don't have the infidelity issue, we get a long great, have a great fun relationship now. Why can't we get over the mountain?
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
@britt...I haven't read your whole stitch but no matter what you do DO NOT ASK HIM ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE!!! I haven't been DBing for long but one thing that I know FOR SURE is that if you start asking him "why this and why that" he WILL pull away!! Just go with the flow...thats my motto from now on. Don't analyze the way your H acts because it won't make sense the majority of the time, especially while he is working through his own decisions.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I've also read so many peoples sitch's where they don't get along very good, they argue and have more serious problems (infidelity, etc) and then they get past it and R. Well we don't have those major problems, we don't EVER argue. I can't remember the last time H and I argued. Probably back at the beginning of September. We don't have the infidelity issue, we get a long great, have a great fun relationship now. Why can't we get over the mountain?
My WAS and I did not argue either. Our biggest problems the past two years where ( besides the affair ) over how I put tupperware containers away , taking one of the good set forks to work as I may have lost it and when was I going to get the back yard cleaned up. From my side it was why do you not wash the pots and pan lids and no i do not like ugly betty so I am not going to watch it with you. It was a loving relationship right up until the EA started. Perhaps too stable?
Your in control now.