I'm still reeling from the fact that you're back. Wow, what a transformation you've had. And, I also see you are a different person! Way to go!
As for me ... my God, long LONNNNNNGGGGGG story! I don't even know if I can possibly get into it here, or if I even want it to be public. So, suffice it to say that maybe it would be better if you joined facebook and we could do most of this in private, if you're interested, that is...
I've never had anyone from the SSM forum slice me up emotionally, but I've been emotionally and spiritually beaten for trying to save my marriage by some on the other boards. I'm not even sure the few who hurt me are still around, but I know I don't want them back in my life. Not now, not after all this way I've come.
But know this ... Do I still love my husband??? Yes! I know it sucks huh!
Do I still have contact with him? No.
I used to call him about once every two to four weeks. BUT, I was the only one who ever called. And, whenever I did, he put me down, or insulted me or made me cry. So, the last time I spoke to him (over the phone) I told him so. I said that he always made me cry, and that because of it, I would never call him again. And, I meant it. I also said that if he ever calls me, I won't answer. Silly me! (I was in a hit and run accident, [drunk driver] which totaled my car, and soon, H and I have to meet to sign the check together. So, I'll have to figure that one out somehow.
You are pretty on-target that he felt he had to leave. I did clearly draw the boundary at, "No one is going to perform infidelity while being under the same roof." So, in a sense, I guess you could say he felt that he had to leave - I showed some rightous anger, which he saw as "us not getting along." HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO???? It was all a shame/blame game for him. Well, I'm clear now that I was not to blame for his indiscretions. But, he really had me going last year. That's for sure. Not anymore. Nope. Some heavy duty counseling by professionals and priests made me see the light - thank God. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd be dead by now. It really was ALL about saving myself since this past January!
I love the man, but I stopped being a doormat for his sexual indiscretions last year. I can't put the gory, dirty details on here because one never knows if he could be reading this site, or any of his OW (plural). Think younger women, money and swine flu etc., etc. [Like I said, if you want the down and dirty, please join the DB FB site and look for KalniSunshine to accept your friends request].
As for me, I've returned to the faith of my youth, and I'm well involved in that. I'm out of work, and resting up nicely from all the spiritual, physical and emotional wounds. I'm asking God to save him, praying for his forgiveness. And, I'm asking everyone who reads me on here to please pray for him as well.
I still love him and that may be the most painful part because I cannot ask him back (he wouldn't come anyway) without some kind of reconciliation and repentance. He is a stubborn man. It's a Catch-22!!! If anyone has ever been in a Catch-22 here, I'd love to hear the "solution."
Get this! On his father's deathbed, he told my H to not be so stubborn. My H didn't listen. I really don't think he gets it. He never will...
BTW, we are still just separated!
peace and love, poet
Oh, P.S. > Yes, I'm doing the Hard Work. By request, I'm currently reading two books:
1. Every Heart Restored, A wife's guide to healing in the wake of a husband's sexual sin by Fred and Brenda Stoeker.
2. Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Women's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge.
