Am I at this stage?

[Lll54]

Well I have been skimming over the book. I dont seem to be learning anything that I havent learned on here? Today is going okay. H has the kids. I am out and about. So he text me about an hour ago and asked me if I would cut his hair tonight. I have been cutting it for five years. What do I do?

[TrentC]

Like I said: I think The Divorce Remedy is a better book to start with. And yeah, being immersed in these forums for a while will get you up to speed, but it's nice to have a book to ground you in the basics. We go on a lot about what to do, but I think MWD does a pretty good job with the how and why to do it.

As for the haircut, What do you think you should do?

Do you cut it because he likes the job you do, or do you cut it because it's a money-saving exercise? If it's the former, you might agree to do it and treat it as an attempt to reach out. If it's the latter, maybe he needs to start taking care of his own grooming needs.

[Lll54]

Well, I think its both. He likes how I cut his hair and it saves money. He asked me to cut it the first week we separated and I straight out said no. But now since all this progression in the last few weeks, he decided to ask me again. I said Ya, sure. Well that was two hours ago and he hasn't responded. I don't know if he's feeding me some of my medicine by not answering me immediately or what. When he originally text me, I didn't answer right away. So who knows. He also went to MC for the first time since the split today. He didn't tell me though. The only reason I knew was cause our MC told me. I thought he would have mentioned it but he didn't. So I can't even really ask how it went? Hmmm? Not sure what to think about it. Obviously I'm happy he even went. I feel it shows he is still somewhat interested in working on things, but at the same time maybe when the MC called to check on him, he felt obliged to go and felt bad saying no to the MC. So maybe he went not really wanting to. Who knows. I guess only time will tell. Had a good day doing my own thing. Just waiting for him to bring the kids back now. So we'll see how tonight goes?

[Lll54]

Hey Trent,

Forgot to tell you what the MC said today. My MC thinks its time to sit down and talk about it. Since our last "talk" about R. He was still "done". But MC thinks he has made huge strides since then, and that we need to be honest with each other and discuss it. I dunno. What do ya think?

[TrentC]

When was your last R talk with him?

I'm of two minds. One, you're still processing how to detach from him -- you bounce back and forth on a daily basis. So if you do bring it up, be prepared for him to pull way back.

Also, who knows what he has been saying to the MC at the sessions by himself. I would almost wait for a joint counseling session before doing that.

Have the MC make the request in front of both of you, so it doesn't come across as pursuing.

[TrentC]

Well, I think its both. He likes how I cut his hair and it saves money. He asked me to cut it the first week we separated and I straight out said no. But now since all this progression in the last few weeks, he decided to ask me again. I said Ya, sure.

Sounds good to me. At some point, you have to take a chance, and this seems like a small one.

Well that was two hours ago and he hasn't responded. I don't know if he's feeding me some of my medicine by not answering me immediately or what. When he originally text me, I didn't answer right away. So who knows.

He may very well by trying some of the same tricks. But look at it this way: you know why you're going dark on him, so when he does the same to you, you don't have to react the same way. If he calls back and says "sorry, I was busy", just chirp back "that's OK, no problem."

He also went to MC for the first time since the split today. He didn't tell me though. The only reason I knew was cause our MC told me. I thought he would have mentioned it but he didn't. So I can't even really ask how it went?

Well, the MC did tell you about it. So at least if you H mentions it, you can say that you knew, but that you were respecting his privacy by not asking.

Hmmm? Not sure what to think about it. Obviously I'm happy he even went. I feel it shows he is still somewhat interested in working on things, but at the same time maybe when the MC called to check on him, he felt obliged to go and felt bad saying no to the MC. So maybe he went not really wanting to. Who knows. I guess only time will tell. Had a good day doing my own thing. Just waiting for him to bring the kids back now. So we'll see how tonight goes?

...yeah, but there you go again with the mind reading. You had to work for a reason why he may have gone, but not wanted to go. That's the stuff that's going to drive you batty.

I would take it for the win that it is (whether he "wanted to" or not, he did go) but not attached any significance to it otherwise. If he wants to tell you about it, he will.

[Lll54]

So, H just left. AAAAHHHH!!!! He did not mention the MC. I asked him how his day was and he bypassed it completely...He came into the house completely grumpy...he even admitted to the grumpiness, but said he had no idea why. He then went on to tell me about a buddy of his who is going through a split and told me how nasty its getting and he "hopes we don't ever get like that." So there is his first negative comment in a few weeks. It really got me down. I got annoyed and mad, so I stayed in the kitchen while he hung out in the livingroom with the boys. After we put the little one to bed, I cut his hair. After it was over he said thank you and hugged me. Great. A hug. Thanks. He showered and got dressed and said goodbye to eldest son. He is supposed to have the kids until tomorrow but he has a course he has to go on tomorrow. So when leaving I asked him if he is going to take the kids for the evening since he officially goes back to work wed. He said yes but was planning on coming over to hang out rather than take them. Great opportunity to set a boundary. But no. My weak little self took it as he gave it to me. This is what my MC and I have been working on for so long! Is saying NO! Take the kids and do your thing, drop them off later in the evening. But my stupid fear overrides absolutely everything! I was in the doorway when he was leaving and as he brushed by me he went in for a cheap grab. I pretended not to feel it. But seriously? What on earth is going through your mind? You want me? You don't want me? What? And why was he so grumpy? Did the session go good or bad? I think if it went bad then he obviously wouldn't have still asked for the haircut, and gave me a hug, and "grabbed" me, and said he wanted to come hang out here tomorrow night. But if it went good, then why is he so grumpy? I know when he is sad and frustrated with himself, he takes it out in anger and grumpiness. So maybe it made him sad to talk about it again, which he probably hadn't talked about in a few weeks. But no mind reading, right Trent? One thing though, he walked in the house grumpy, and left happy. I put a smile on his face, and he told me again tonight that I'm funny lately. Well open your eyes buddy. You are leaving happy, doesn't that mean something? I wish i would have mentioned that when he left. Just how he didn't seem to be grumpy anymore. Kind of throw it in his face for him to realize. I know the MC was going to ask him today if he wants back in the marriage. He told me this morning he was going to ask him, so maybe I'll wait and see what happens over the next week now that someone has gotten him thinking again, before I bring up R.

[TrentC]

So, H just left. AAAAHHHH!!!! He did not mention the MC. I asked him how his day was and he bypassed it completely...He came into the house completely grumpy...he even admitted to the grumpiness, but said he had no idea why.

OK, you have to get better at this. Seriously.

But no mind reading, right Trent?

Well, OK, you can read my mind. What am I thinking of?

One thing though, he walked in the house grumpy, and left happy. I put a smile on his face, and he told me again tonight that I'm funny lately. Well open your eyes buddy. You are leaving happy, doesn't that mean something? I wish i would have mentioned that when he left. Just how he didn't seem to be grumpy anymore. Kind of throw it in his face for him to realize. I know the MC was going to ask him today if he wants back in the marriage. He told me this morning he was going to ask him, so maybe I'll wait and see what happens over the next week now that someone has gotten him thinking again, before I bring up R.

Cutterbug has it right. Look how far things have come in the past few weeks. You have come so far, and all you have to do is...

Be. Patient.

You can totally do this. You have a plan; the plan will work.

[Lll54]

Patience, patience, patience. My motto this week. Have a good night.

[Lll54]

Okay. So I need to make a boundary. H said before he left last night that he wants to come hang out here tonight and see the boys rather than take them out. So, should I make plans and just not be here while he's visiting? Or should I tell him no. That he has to take the boys out?