New here, this is my story...

[HelpMe!]

The rollercoaster continues...

I've gone out, but am not sure about tonight...I don't know why not. I'm just sad today. My family is together, celebrating, and I am not there. I know, feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help anything, and I am just here to vent and put my feelings down, because many times that helps.

I've been concerned about money the last week or so. We do very well, but having two mortgages and the extra cost of extra living expenses is getting tight. Ironically, the sooner my wife files and we seperate money, the better off I will be...but I so want this marriage to work. Probably more now than I did when this started 2 months ago.

All I can think about, today, is the life we had and how little time I took to really just enjoy it. You look back at see all the good things that you just didn't take the time to enjoy, because I was too busy working toward the next goal.

I'm 33 years old. I am not young, but I am also not old. I can start over. I know I can. I see so many people going through this situation, but most are 10-20 years older tahn me. I know I can do this, I know I can move on. I just don't want to.

I keep being told I should have no hope by my W. She says it all the time. Yet, I find these little things to be hopeful about. Usually they are just a word choice, but often they are actions that don't match what she says.

Is it wrong to cling to these things?

I have been feeling guilty about GALing today. I don't want to move on and detatch. Yet the more I GAL, the more I think about it. I am also in the public eye, so I need to be more careful. So far, I have been okay, but I worry about people seeing me out "too much". I worry my W will think I am just out, on the prowl, looking for her replacement. I know that is part of the 180 approach, but it just bothers me. She left me because she felt I was just waiting for someone else to come along...now she see's me apparently going all out, doing just that.

I probably need to go out and talk with some one. I will; but I just am tired of all of this. I want my family back and I want to work on my marriage for the rest of my life.

[HelpMe!]

Well, I went out...had a good time and I am back home, safe and sound. I'm still very sad, but excited to be a dad again tomorrow and play with the kids Monday and Tuesday before I leave again.

Somehow this all has to end. I know I need to approach my situation slowly...avoid the temptation to "just try and fix it". I get that opportunity on Weds. That is only three days away, but I want this to be over so very badly.

Whatever happens, I know I will be okay, I was reminded of that tonight; but I want this to be a great relationship more than anything...and I will continue to DB and GAL, hoping for the best.

Church in the morning, followed by a big family dinner, even if it is just me from "my" family.

It is tough.....but I remain hopeful and I guess that is all I can ask for right now. Cling to hope, pray for a miracle and know that the opportunity is there if I can just manage it properly and not screw up.

Bedtime now. Sleep helps so much, but the next day I need to rebuild myself again.

[HelpMe!]

I'm tense today, the wedding is over and I'm waiting to see if it helped my w rethink things. She will be back to drop off the kids tonight. We do have counseling on wed. So I have things to be hopeful for, but it continues to be tough to wait

[HelpMe!]

Well, the kids got home last night, really late, after 11:00pm. My W didn't really even look at me. She didn't say anything about divorce and she was tired. Really tired.

I offered to let her stay at the house, rather than drive another 20 miles to her parents, but she said no.

I just have to make it to Wed...but I'm not sure anything good will come of our appointment with the counselor.

Hope is dwindling. I just don't see anything left. On one hand I feel that if she is still angry, which she is, that is good..it shows there are still feelings there. On the other, I think about the fact that it has been over 2 months now...and nothing has changed.

I'm not sure yet, but I am begining to think that if I see nothing on Wed, I need to call this marriage over and move on. I'm just physically ill over all of this and I keep getting hurt; I never show her this. I never get angry, or even show much sadness around her. I do what the DBing says I should...but I need something...anything, in order to keep going.

[JR09]

Helpme,

I can relate with your feelings, believe me. However,be careful to not let your present emotions drive your decision. Someone said it well on this forum: if you wait for an answer, the answer could be"yes", if you push for it, it is more than likely "no". Don't pressure or push. Don't react emotionally. If you do, you will get an answer, but is it really the one you want?

Hang in there. DB is the ultimate test of willpower.

JR

[HelpMe!]

Helpme,

DB is the ultimate test of willpower.

JR

No kidding. I know all of this, I really do. But how much longer can someone wait? I know lots of people who have waited longer, both personally and from reading stories here. However, I can't imagine trying to continue to wait. I will, I promise; but this is, no doubt, a test of willpower.

I found out today that the counseling appt is NEXT wed, not this wed. That's another week and a half! My FIL told me, like he always does, that time is on my side. I just don't know anymore.

I find myself making deadlines in my head, then when they pass, I make a new deadline.

I can GAL all I want, it just makes me either want to start working on this marriage or get it over with so I can move on. Right now, I can do neither.

[TrentC]

No kidding. I know all of this, I really do. But how much longer can someone wait? I know lots of people who have waited longer, both personally and from reading stories here. However, I can't imagine trying to continue to wait. I will, I promise; but this is, no doubt, a test of willpower.

What has helped me the past couple of days has been rethinking how I approach this, thanks to SmileysPerson's post.

DBing isn't about restoring your relationship. It's called "Divorce Busting" becuase it's about stopping the progress towards a divorce. Once you get your spouse to reconsider leaving you, then you work on renewing the relationship.

So every day that you give her a reason to reconsider leaving you is a victory. Every day that goes by without talk of filing is a win.

I found out today that the counseling appt is NEXT wed, not this wed. That's another week and a half! My FIL told me, like he always does, that time is on my side. I just don't know anymore.

I find myself making deadlines in my head, then when they pass, I make a new deadline.

That's part of the problem, then. I found this quote about Admiral James Stockdale, who survived seven years as a POW:

In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

When Collins asked who didn't make it out, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

I can GAL all I want, it just makes me either want to start working on this marriage or get it over with so I can move on. Right now, I can do neither.

Actually, you can. You can show your wife that you're willing to do things without her -- even things that she may find interesting -- and have a life that doesn't include her if necessary. Then let her make the decision to let you go or work things out.

The happier you are, the more attractive you become.

[HelpMe!]

TrentC,

Thanks, I appreciate your post.

I understand the analogy, but the problem for me is that I am not confined, I choose to be. I do want this marraige to work, but if it doesn't, I am not going to die. I am not going to disappear. I will move on.

I do want it to work, but she doesn't. She doesn't appear to be any closer to wanting it to work and I am really at the end of my rope.

We have an appt on Thursday at 4:00 with the C. I will know more then. Once I do,m I can make my next decision. If she just wants out, then she should just do it.

Again, please know I don't express my feelings like this to her and I won't in C either. I am venting here. I am PO'd because, while I know I made mistakes, she doesn't think she did. She's complaining about being in Limbo, but it is her own decision to be here.

Maybe tomorrow I will be more positive.

[HelpMe!]

Well, my W had to help me out tonight because I had meetings and I have the kids until Wed. We agreed to always call each other before calling a sitter.

She seemed sad, but she is still sick. She didn't say much to me and left pretty much right away; but as I posted last week, she has my papers, which I asked to have back, and she still hasn't given them to me...I asked twice and haven't since.

We were able to get into a counseling session on Thursday, but it will be limited to one hour...probably good for the first one. Again, our goal is NOT to stay married (well, that is her goal), but only to build communication and rebuild trust to be good parents through and after divorce (but when she agreed to this, she added that "if more happens, great").

I'm enjoying my time with the kids, but looking forward to more "me" time starting Wednesday. I'll have a whole week again. We're getting close to the holidays now, and that concerns me. I'd really like to have some direction before we get there. Of course, I WANT to be together for the holidays, but I also know that if I push, as TrentC said, I'll get an answer and probably not the answer I want.

For now, I can just head to bed, knowing that tomorrow is another day and pray that I get the strength to get through it and the do the same thing tomorrow night.

It is a long road, and I've been trying to focus on the journey, not the unknown destination...but my tank is running on empty and I'd like something...even if it is just a thread of hope.

Maybe Thursday...maybe not.

[JR09]

HelpMe,

I know you are hurting like hell. Trust me, I know. I can relate with all the limbo status and the thoughts of reaching your limit. I hope you have a better day today and stay motivated as much as you can. Think positive. I just got back from the gym to work out my frustrations. It did help.

Whatever you do, know that you are strong and you can hang in there, no matter how high the mountain and how the valley may be. Just give it time. Don't react on your emotions.

JR