How did the succesful people get out of thus stick in the mud state and how long should this take. I am three months in and I feel like I have plugged the hole in the boat for the time being but can't bring myself to row to shore or bail the boat out, etc.
That's where "Fake it till you make it" and "Act As If" come into play. You have to suck it up and give our spouse your best foot forward, every chance you can. If you come across as happy and lively, it makes a change from what their internal script says should be happening (whining, clingy, depressed).
Definitely been not whining, pitiful, etc. in front of her for the past couple of months and always careful to put my best foot forward. I just keep backsliding on trying to focus on improving myself rather than what W is doing. Every time I see her typing on her phone, my attitude goes south. I really hope that I can reach that point where what she is doing doesn't bother me. Maybe once I start achieving some more of my goals it will help.
I see a lot of strong folks who were able to make progress quickly and a lot of people who seem paralyzed and are just continually reacting to WAS's actions de jour.
It's a choice. Decide (once you do this your thoughts change) then take action.
My therapist told me the same thing today, it is such a simple idea but so hard to do. Working hard today to start addressing some of my bad habits. Hopefully this helps.
New trend that I hope does not continue. The past two nights, I have been awakened at 3-4:00 am by nightmares of W with other men. I have been able to repress conscious thoughts of this to a large extent but I guess these dreams show that I cannot keep this inside forever. Saw my therapist yesterday and they can't believe that W and I are not discussing this. I just told the therapist that I didn't feel like pushing her on anything right now. My therapist knows that I confronted W about A and said that that W may be more afraid than me right now. Very hard for me to believe that based on her very unemotional attitude right now.
Really making an effort on further weight loss. I am very ahtletic during the warm months but tend to gain weight in the winter once I can't get outside as much. Joined a local gym last week and they are hooking me up with a personal trainer to help monitor progress on my goals. Might try some kickboxing and yoga classes too. I really want to start GAL but I don't have any close friends here and it seems so hard to start when you are depressed and sleep deprived. Therapist says that I have to start scheduling time to worry about the R and just stay focused on my other goals the rest of the time. She is right, my ruminating is keeping me locked in a negative cycle that has to stop.
I just miss being close with my W so much and feel so betrayed, rejected and unloved right now. I know everyone here has felt this but it is so hard when the one person you are supposed to be able to count on no matter what abandons you.
I appreciate all of the advice I have received so far and am really trying to make progress. One thing that makes me hopeful is that i am a persistant guy and won't stop trying to get to a better HBH
Keep on keeping on brother. I feel for you. Our sitches look a little different but alot of the same pain and similarities between them. I'm having trouble GALing w/out her right now too.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
I was strangely positive and upbeat today and not sure why. Started really feeling more goal oriented with getting in better shape. Had no trouble staying on my diet today and got to the gym for a good workout that was sorely needed. W asked me to order up a turkey for T-giving . Me and W have always loved thanksgiving so I am looking forward to it in some ways although this time, it will be under dramatically different circumstances.
Based on some very fuzzy and potentially flawed intel, I think either the A confrontation or my encounter with OM last week where I gave him a cold stare may have actually introduced the first bits of strain into the A. Made me happy to think that I may have accomplished this.
For now, I am in sort of a holding pattern circling the Affairport. I confronted two weeks ago and made it clear that what she was doing was unacceptable and that she needed to make a choice. Still nothing from her since except that she seems to have decided to stay.........for now. I am trying to be friendly and upbeat so that she can be comfortable with me and not feel like I am going to take the first opportunity to rub her nose in the A if she were to try to open up about it.
I know that at some point, sooner than later I assume, I am going to have to establish some additional boundaries about the A and with the consequences that I neglected to put in place at the last confrontation. Just not sure about the timing of this next phase. I guess at the end of the day, I am willing to allow some time for the past confrontation to sink in a bit and give her some time to come to grips with what it all means but I can't live in this limbo where we are not even acknowledging what has happened.
I have decided that I will try to become more mysterious and see where that leads. I know that not being mopey and pathetic is working and that the fact that I am showing signs of moving on with my life no matter what is also working so I will keep this going. I can tell she is nowhere near R at this point so I am trying to not get my hopes up and not have any expectations at this point.
I think I need some advice on my current state of affairs.
I don't want to stay in this holding pattern for very long so looking for suggestions as to how to proceed. Current update: W is seemingly planning to stay for now but nothing is being said of the A. W is not overtly pursuing the A since the confrontation (no late nights out anyway). I wonder if she is taking stock so that she can make a decision or if I have just driven the A further underground. If she was preparing to leave prior to confrontation, then that should have just made it easier for her to leave or am I not looking at this correctly? What does it mean that she has stayed for now?
I went to my local bookstore last night and read some of the book "After the Affair" which had some good discussion about what a wayward needs to consider when conflicted about staying versus leaving. I am pretty sure that asking her to read this is not Good idea right now but I want to get this discussion back on the table in a contructive way if possible so that we don't stay in this limbo.
Could use some suggestions with what is best to do in this situation
I am just unsure as to what has motivated W to stick around. She was feeling more positive about the R prior to confrontation and then since the confrontation, she is showing signs of staying. Is it possible that she is starting to turn the corner and see what she stands to lose? Did the confrontation tarnish the luster of fantasyland? IDK. I feel like in most cases, the way to know that a WAS is turning the corner is when they apologize and say they want to work on things. My W has not done this but I also know that my W is not the type to do this under many circumstances. We have fun when we are together right now and there is no serious tension between us. It is just that she still seems somewhat detached a bit emotionally.
She was out for a while at a class last night and I told her that I had gone to a coffee shop while she was gone and this seemed to get under her skin a bit. I have been doing the coffee shop thing a lot lately getting dressed up, cologne, etc. Perhaps this is a good thing.
Here is a stack of 2 x 4s, please feel free to swing away if I am getting off track to much. Unfortunately, I am still reacting too much and trying to analyze but I don't understand what is happening right now because we aren't discussing it. If she were still discussing leaving or being nasty to me, I would have a much better idea of how to proceed but this seems ambiguous.
I just miss being close with my W so much and feel so betrayed, rejected and unloved right now. I know everyone here has felt this but it is so hard when the one person you are supposed to be able to count on no matter what abandons you.
Yes. This is a killer. My W was there for me when my mom died and I got demoted. Now, I had hernia surgery last month and she never called about it.
I'm no longer in the house and what I really miss is that end of day conversation. Even the strained ones the last few months. I'm burning up my cell phone minutes calling different people to fill the void.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
. Me and W have always loved thanksgiving so I am looking forward to it in some ways although this time, it will be under dramatically different circumstances.