I am not the one in a MLC. I want to give my H as much time as he needs to come out of this.
He isn't in MLC. You have diagnosed wrong. He IS however in a 4 year affair. You have convinced YOURSELF of this MLC diagnosis.
Regarding the "friendship." It is fine to be friends and have a friendly relationship. He is WITH another woman and is lying to her and lying to you. What kind of a friend does those things to ANY woman, let alone TWO women fighting for him that he is tellng both that he loves??? If you think that his way of friendship is what true friendship is all about then I agree that you should continue on this way. Why aren't YOU asking these things to yourself and wondering if he IS being a moron for this limbo he has you in? If you doing all the giving and hoping and waiting and having patience and letting this tear you apart deep down inside while you watch a man you love and agreed to spend your life with is a good friendship, then I have to tell you that I am wrong on friendship. If coming and going when he pleaes and letting you hang on the "hope" that he will come out of this is being a good friend, then I agree again that you should just keep on keeping on..
My take is that you can be JUST the kind of friend to him that he is to you. I haven't said to withdraw your friendhsip. I am just suggesting that your way hasn't worked. It really hasn't. Two to four years is more than enough time for ANY man to know that he loves you and CHOOSES to be with you. My wife told me that the best advice about men she ever got was from her mother. "Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?" (good advice MIL) My wife has never forgotten it and said it was the smartest advice she ever got when a man was giving her mixed signals and was all wishy washy. She said she always moved on and started seeing others and they ALWAYS tried to come back at some point. ALWAYS.
A man who LOVES you isn't wishy washy about what he wants. He KNOWS what he wants. He doesn't WANT to LIVE WITHOUT you.
Has it been so long that you have forgotten how much better a relationship is that is MUTUAL? Where the man does some pulling and as much giving to you BECAUSE he cherishes you? Why don't you see that you deserve that type of treatment?
We CARE ladies. We would love to see you reconcile with your WS's. Just love it. I do have to tell you though that I very seldom see the approach you seem to be invested in as working very well. The man just keeps right on in la la land because he CAN. Why would he want to give up TWO women that want him when he can get needs met at both ends? What motivation does HE have? That you have seen the error of YOUR ways?
Most times loving someone is loving them in the way that gives them the most growth. Allowing them to be responsible for their actions. Allowing them to FEEL what they may have done or lost. Letting them realize that the decision isn't all their decision anymore and that even though you will be their friend, you WILL take care of yourself and not be used or taken advantage of because of your giving nature.
That is my take. I think you deserve better and think that you should show them that you not only know it, but WILL get better. If they want to come along with you and your new life adventure then jump on the train now because it is moving on down the track with or without you. Makes no difference to me. I have a life to live and I am going to live it to the fullest.
Most of the men I know in my life experience RESPOND much better to that. Much better. They are moved TOWARD the challenge for some reason. If not, then it is a waste of time anyway. That is my observation and experience to maximize you chances of reconcilitation.
