Recovering from setbacks

[TrentC]

I think the one thing we share is a desire to not give up before we try everything. She wants space and I want affirmation of her love. Opposing desires make this seem impossible but yet we are still here.....full of fear, bitterness, and hopelessness.

Are you sure that this is a desire she shares with you? If so, then I would talk to her about joint marriage counseling.

My desire is to acknowledge, accept, and apply what we have learned from this painful history to start anew and rebuild our love and marriage from the ground up, since there really is nothing left from our marriage past nor is there anything either of us can do to change what happened. I think she wants this too, but neither of us really know how to go about it.

You start over with yourself. You have four months to become the man that you want to be. Not for her, not for any other woman, but for yourself. If you change, then by definition the relationship changes.

Work on detaching from her, so her emotions don't fuel your own. Work on the obvious 180's (it sounds like you're on the right track here).

Give her space by getting a life for yourself. You will give her breathing room, you will find things to be positive about that do not revolve around her, and you might find something that you can share with her down the road.

She has given us 4 months to work on it, and then she will make a decision to move forward or file. I feel that I have a gun to my head and someone is telling me that if I show any fear, they are going to pull the trigger. How can I maintain my composure under this extreme duress. I love her so much and I am fighting for my family, but sometimes I feel like giving up as I cannot bear her coldness, indifference, and the emotional pain and uncertainty of this situation.

All relationship talk should cease immediately from you. You. Do. Not. Discuss. The. Relationship.

You have been trying to tell her how you feel for how long. Weeks? Months? Years? There is nothing that you can tell her that she will believe, especially if you keep demonstrating the opposite. So if pursuing her with words isn't working, it's time to try something else.

Every time you push, she recoils and affirms her desire to be done with this relationship. To paraphrase another poster, "If you don't push for an answer, you may eventually get the answer you want. If you push for an answer, you'll likely get the one you don't." And that's where you're at now -- she's giving you four months to work your sitch out.

If she tries to initiate relationship talk, keep it short and sweet. If she expresses frustration or anger about the R, validate her feelings; when you validate, she can't fight with you because you're agreeing with her. If you can't validate, tell her you'll think about what she is saying and end the discussion.

When you are around her, come up with a positive mental attitude. Exercise is good for positive thinking because you release endorphins into your system. Worst-case scenario, you may have to fake being happy around her until you can generate that positive mental state for yourself.

Take any positive signs as just that -- positive signs. Do not try to attach any meaning to them, or try to guess her motivation.

When I backslide I feel like I lose all progress made to date and I am running out of time.

It sounds like you know what you have to do; you just need strength to do it. Re-read The Divorce Remedy.