I feel the same way about this "support group" that you've thrown now thrown yourself into forming, K4D. It seems like you're trying to bail on the uncomfortable discussion here, but still want to steer others' efforts to DB on the premise of "being there for each other." It's harder for people to be honest and critical if they're in the same room...
I'm not opposed to live support groups in general, just suspicious of the timing and motivation of this one.
TrentC,
I'm not bailing at all. I just thought it would be nice to have a live support group as well. It isn't the K4D team. lol. It is for anyone that would like in person support. It is nice to kind of have real people to get together with especially in times like this when many are lonely. Thats all it is. I am still here online and will be.
I am also acknowledging that I have been corrected. I am not against detaching at all. I admit it is hard to find a balance of still loving W and detaching mentally and emotionally.
But I am still here.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I admit it is hard to find a balance of still loving W and detaching mentally and emotionally.
Sometimes you may have no choice but to detach. In my situation, the W laughed at me last week because I wasnt "over" her yet. She is so determined to get a D, she is trying to make it happen sooner. Ive made great progress detaching from her, thinking about how my life could be better, the things I didnt like about her in the past, if we did get back together would she do this again. I see your W dropped the bomb twice. Im not sure if I can handle this happening again, especially since my W needs mental help and wont admit it.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
In my situation, the W laughed at me last week because I wasnt "over" her yet.
If it makes you feel any better, my W and her friends have also laughed at me and made fun of me for the same thing. I have also been laughed at for keeping hope alive and praying for help.
It is a terrible feeling when those things happen to you. It makes you feel pretty low. That seems to be one of the areas where detachment comes in and plays a healthy role so that it no longer bothers you.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
In my situation, the W laughed at me last week because I wasnt "over" her yet.
If it makes you feel any better, my W and her friends have also laughed at me and made fun of me for the same thing. I have also been laughed at for keeping hope alive and praying for help.
It is a terrible feeling when those things happen to you. It makes you feel pretty low. That seems to be one of the areas where detachment comes in and plays a healthy role so that it no longer bothers you.
Kevin
Yes, that is cruel. My W is already talking to a mortgage broker about buying the house from me. She has the ball rolling and Im pretty sure its not going to stop. As much as I want the M to work, she has made it clear to me. And yes, this has made it easier for me to start detaching. Unless she gets some sense knocked into her or a miracle happens, DDay is coming.
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You : Susan J. Elliott Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends :Bruce Fisher , Robert Alberti
These books have helped me very much
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You : Susan J. Elliott Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends :Bruce Fisher , Robert Alberti
These books have helped me very much
Thanks. So far ive read DR and currently reading Uncoupling. Going to order the books above for my next read.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You : Susan J. Elliott Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends :Bruce Fisher , Robert Alberti
Thanks, cutter. I'll be getting them, too. And the first one: with a title/promise like that, how can anyone pass it up?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Marianne Williamson's book "The Gift of Change" is also a good one. And as for WAS's laughing at one's prayers, I just wonder one thing. Why do they know the LBSer is praying? '
Unless it's a show/tactic, which is not cool or healthy, one's prayers are not for public disclosure and when you tell the WAS that you are praying for them, it will NOT be met with warmth...it'll feel insulting, or judgmental, or very weird-lacking in insight on your end as if you are without fault, or manipulative and in no case will it come across as loving...so I'd keep it to myself.
Also, if the WAS finds out some other way and laughs at that, it would not happen again. I'd say "What's to laugh at?" and drop it. NEVER bring it up again.
My gut tells me that some LBSers want the WAS to know about the prayers as a tool to manipulate outcome. Speaking of which....Letting go of outcomes, TO ME, means doing your best in a tough situation and then leaving the results up to God. Life is short so what else can you do that's healthy anyhow?
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The Rebuilding book is a ton of work. Sometimes I feel like I am back at university. It takes up a ton of time. But does it ever make you think. The other book is one big 2x4.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
My journal from yesterday is somewhat relevant to the topic so I will share. It could help someone by backing up and gazzing into the "fishbowl"
Journal 11209 On the drive in I prayed and pondered my situation. I calculated the odds on several things and oddly, I found some piece of mind where I didn’t think I could:
Right now where we are at I would say that there is a 75% chance that I will not be living with my wife in 6 to 9 months. I really do not think that we will determine that I should leave for the next 6 months. Financially not smart and we have booked a cruise in Feb after which I could make a case for waiting till spring . The cruise may be the place where she wants to drop the final d bomb ?
Good thing is you have that much time but you will still be asked to leave for a separation.
Bad thing it will eventually happen, which will take away resources that could be used better and will hurt s14 emotionally. The likelihood that knowing W as well as you do…Walls into her heart and all you would be able to have a really great relationship I mean absolute fantastic after all that has occurred in the last 6 -12 months about 10%.
Odds that you will become divorced 65%
Conversely that means that there is a 35% that you will not divorce and end up with a long healing process where the relationship will get better but never be what you truly hoped it could be 18 years ago.
The chance that you would recognize how bad a relationship you actually have and do something radical to change it or get yourself free from it 10%. No, you would put up with it for the next 5 6 years or longer because that is how you are wired.
You couldn’t deal with the guilt, you would cope as you have been coping by arguing and distancing and enduring SO given this set of circumstances the affair may be a means to an end that is not necessarily bad just different.
Certainly not what you would have chosen but liberating is a sense. Given the walls she has built around her heart that you could never penetrate and the walls that you are creating because of the abandonment that you are experiencing now.
Heady stuff. Worthy of further contemplation and further evidence that given what you now know you really should be working on getting a life and 180s to find new ways of being successful at the game of life.
