Not Me...Ever part 2

[TrentC]

Journaling~

Just spent about 3 hours on 2 phone calls with H...

[...]

Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...

I thought I was above this...

I have no words of wisdom for anyone today and I am sorry.

That's OK, Serenity; everyone is allowed to have a bad day.

You take it easy. We'll all be here once you've pulled yourself together.

[Serenity13]

Trent ~

Thank you for your kind words...

I am so lost today ~ I had my confirmation yesterday at Church (yes my oldest attended - I will post about that soon) and one of the last things my Pastor said to me was "When you walk out this door ~ Satan will try to bring you down no matter what"...Looks like he is winning today - How can my H claim salvation yet still carry on like this...

Today I just hurt all the way to my soul

[TrentC]

Trent ~
Thank you for your kind words...

"Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation."
--Luke 11:4

I am so lost today ~ I had my confirmation yesterday at Church (yes my oldest attended - I will post about that soon) and one of the last things my Pastor said to me was "When you walk out this door ~ Satan will try to bring you down no matter what"...Looks like he is winning today - How can my H claim salvation yet still carry on like this...

Today I just hurt all the way to my soul

((Serenity))

Your pastor is right.

Here is a forum post I made -- wow, only over a week ago? -- with some scripture to help you keep some peace.

I had a good conversation with someone from the men's ministry at my church yesterday. it was so good that I missed the actual sermon! Speaking of, here are some sermons from my pastor, if you're looking for something to listen to.

A 3-part series about the life of Job (which I think many of us can relate to):
When Life Falls Apart
When Pain is Prolonged
When God Shows Up

From the 40 Days of Love series we just completed:
Love Lets it Go

(There are a whole bunch of others you can download from here.)

[Gardener]

Serenity,
Well, as I said to Givingitmyall a couple of days ago, "Doesn't it feel good to just let it fly!"

Re: the banking, sometimes it'll be the unexpected things that set us "the hell off the charts."
Don't ever "ask" for money. Inform him of his financial responsibilities as a father. Don't even "ask" him when you'll get it: "When can I expect it," or, "It is needed by (date).

I informed him his son had been arrested which he in turn got pissed about because it was 2 weeks ago...
I told him I had handled it however he may be getting a call from the public defender so I wanted him to know what it was about...
Said he had talked to our son before school started about what he needs to do, how he needed to act etc...
I in turn said "Talking to him and being there for him (regardless of us right now) are two different things."

Bravo!

I said I don't appreciate him never calling our little one and how he has yet to see him since July...

Really? Unpardonable. Unconscionable.

About 10 minutes later I get another phone call...After apologizing for hanging up, he then informs me (concerning his feelings)that "anything could change tomorrow" and then talked as if we didn't just have the previous conversation and he ended it with I love you...

So, first call from Alien, second call (after you shellacked him) from Semi-Alien?

I feel like I just effed up royally and backslid so far I will never paddle out of this one and I don't even know where to begin...Up until now I have neutralized "her" and never make mention of her in any of our conversations...Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...

I thought I was above this...

You're human. Go dark for a while. Don't initiate, don't answer.
Rest tonight. Don't even spend time here. Go be good to yourself
((()))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Serenity.

It happens. It was authentic, I'll give you that.

So as Gardener says, just re-group. Personally, I think he needed to hear some of that stuff. Maybe something "stuck."

Puppy

[TrentC]

Rest tonight. Don't even spend time here. Go be good to yourself
((()))

Agreed. You're one of the good humans; you have a good night and play with your kids.

Keep this in mind: in the time to come, your sons will see how you and their father work this out. And their hearts will always lie with the one that was there for them, regardless of how the relationship turns out.

You can work on helping them heal their relationship with their father if he chooses to be part of their life.

[kara]

(((Serenity)))

Don't beat yourself up. You are human and allowed to go off once in a while. It was authentic and there were parts of it where I was saying "good for you". That is just my honest reaction.

[SDFoundGirl]

If it's a joint account, how can he move/close it without your permission? Is he just opening a whole new account?

Honey, you need to protect yourself legally. File for a legal separation at least so you're assured of finances. And document his lack of participation in his sons' lives...I'm betting if he files and finds out that he'll have to pay extra $$$ if he doesn't take more time with them he'll *all of a sudden* want to be dad of the year. Document it now.

And please, protect your finances, at least in terms of support for your sons. Hardball, chica. God says forgive, but nowhere does He say be a doormat. Right is Right, and the legal system is in place to help enforce that.

SD

[Deep]

It was what you needed to do Serenity, you're such a good person and there's so many on here rooting for you!

You'll bounce back stronger. I know you will.

[Tomato]

hi there dear serenity

I can see that yesterday was a day that sent you downward. However, you know that whatever bad spot you are in that Jesus is right there with you and will tend to your hurts and your wounds and will replace them with His all encompassing love.

May the sun shine brightly either literally, figuratively or both on this present day. Live it and may many blessings shower upon you and keep you in a positive way.

Praise Him and have peace!

Ted