Still in the tunnel with hubby

[SomethingNew]

Hi K,

I tend to lurk around this neighborhood and have been following your current thread of a way to keep some perspective, focus and well... know that I am not alone in this life as a standing spouse. What do they say?....misery loves company!

It tends to be a little hard for me to relate at times since so much of what is available to research on MLC focuses on men having the MLC. What has struck me about your sitch is how similar my wife and your hubby are, than again pretty many of these stories sound so similar in so many ways it is scarey. So much for being unique huh! I tend to be a couple of months behind your sitch with my own and have used it as a kind of crystal ball to try and figure out what is next. That was something I found however that was contributing to my problem.

This is not something for me (nor is it for you either) to figure out and any effort to do so is futile. I have always been impressed with your PMA and have used that to inspire my own at times. Lord knows we all need that along with a ton of patience. Today is the one year anniversary of the ILYBIDLY and what I feel was the awakening of my wife's MLC. Yeah...yeah I know...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! It has been a tough day to keep positive and focused on what I need to do. So, I'll try and focus on someone else, how's that for worrying about myself.

This is my point though with you...(I have never been one to make a point quickly) you need to stop worrying about hubby...and them trying to figure this all out. We tend to start to see some light at the end of the tunnel....and feel now I can make some sense and boom we lose our focus, our patience our ability to "act as if." We really need to realize that this is something that can take 2,3 even 4 years or more and it is something that they need to solve themselves we can't do that for them. Yes it all makes perfect sense to us... than again we aren't the ones that are temporarily (hopefully) insane. Remember by continuing to make it about our needs with them....we allow them to continue to drag us down and blame us. We are the sane ones we need to focus on ourselves and don't even think that at this time they have any capacity to get that so don't even bother thinking they should get that....just ain't going to happen!!

They have a whole lot of stuff to sort through and process and with my wife along with most MLC'ers this stuff goes back to their childhood. Even a sane person would take a long, long time to do that...

There is a reason this is called a rollercoaster, our stomachs are going to feel like they have been left high and low...Hang on....you're doing fine and I know I'll need your wisdom and support some day!

[kjensen]

Hi SN. Thanks for the note. I think any anniversaries of significant(negative) events can trigger emotion in us or our spouses. I'm particularly dreading Christmas as that is the bomb was dropped and I suspected and confronted H about an affair.

I actually have been thinking about anniversaries as I think the last few days might have triggered the backwards march for my H. I'm not sure how the effects stock market crash last year affected H but he and I know it did as he is a financial planner and feels very responsible for his clients profits/losses. I also think it was this time last year that H met the OW and started his EA with her(turned into a PA in January so that'll be a fun month too!)

I know I'm not repsonsible for H's emotions/feelings but I am a very mother-y person and I feel the home is my responsiblity and right now our home emotional life sucks much of the time...

I will say I have become much less of a "mother" to H: don't remind him to take his vitamins/pills..don't really remind him of anything anymore-just give it to him once(and then he gets mad b/c he says I didn't give him the kids' schedules.. he seems to forget things much more frequently than before the MLC).

Thanks for the support. I can always use it! :-) Hang in there. Today is just a moment, not the rest of your life. You can get through this moment!

[kjensen]

Update:
H called me on his way back to his office after having lunch with his HS friend-that was nice and I told him so...Then H was helping pick his cousin up last evening and called me to tell me he was running late and just check in-that was nice, too, so I told him so...

When H got home he'd already eaten but thanked me for saving him some dinner. I never did bring up our previous night's conversation since things were going OK and H was acting more like my husband than a man who wants to move out. We snuggled a bit last night & ML this morning...doesn't feel like a man who is moving out..so far.

Things felt more distant this morning..but maybe that's just the morning...Hoping for a good day.

[Grace_O]

K,

Glad you had a good night.

You're still waiting for the other shoe to fall. I hear it in your posts. It's not a criticism, just an observation. I'll tell you what I've learned about that though. When I'm feeling that way, I act like it and in doing so, I telegraph it to H. I would have told you for the longest, that regardless of how I felt, I had a PMA etc. I was wrong.

How can I tell the difference? Now, when I get that anxious feeling I have better coping skills and b/c H doesn't live here I can usually have things resolved in my own head by the time I see him (once a week, every week). It has made a difference.

Don't dread the holidays. Then number of them we have with our kids is more limited than I'd like. So, I make plans with D's and in your case you can sak your H if he's interested in doing whatever it is. If he is, great, if not, go do it anyway. Enjoy your girls and make all the memories you can.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Still waiting for the other shoe to fall- yup, that sums up my general feeling. I thinks its gotten worse since there have been a lot more ups and downs, almost daily lately.

I have days where I'm very positive, feel that things will work out eventually...then my doubts creep in and I think I'm kidding myself.

Last night H got mad at me(I would say he had a good point) b/c I wasn't setting a good precedent for D14(I ran to the basement to get her notebook paper instead of making her get it herself). D12 wanted to make cookies for her friends at 8pm and I was too tired and kind of miffed D12 waited til then to ask. So H offered to help D12(which was VERY unusual) so I stayed out of the way...

So we held hands last night, no ML..but it was very nice. This morning H left early as he felt he wasn't needed since the girls didn't need rides to school. Haven't heard from him all day. Left him an upbeat voicemail this afternoon and still no word...kind of weird.

Grace, I think your idea about the holidays is good. D14 wants to hang around the new townhome and completely unpack(she's the only one who hasn't) and make it feel more like home. I'm worried if we all hang out at home we'll get on each others' nerves so I'm trying to think of short daytrips/excursions to do should that happen... The dread is re-living the last Christmas holiday-the lowpoint of my life thus far. Its hard to get past some of those memories but I'm trying.

[Grace_O]

One of the things that helps me with regards to day trips is "the box". I have a box (actually a couple of them) and everybody gets to put in 3 or 4 things they'd like to do. Then we pull one out and go do it. The reason I have more than one box is cost. One box is free (except gas) and the other is for something $25 or leass (each). You could break it up anyway you like or discard the idea all together.

Like you I have two D's and what they like can be very different, so this works for us.

I like that he helped with the cookies. you wouldn't get me in to do that at 8 pm either. Of course I'm
up by 4 so.....I need my beauty sleep (even though I think it might be broken <sigh>).

Try to focus on the new memories you'll be making this year.

What types of thigs do you do for the holidays? Do your D's like to "make" gifts, volunteer anything like that?

[kjensen]

Hi Grace,
I was really surprised about him volunteering to help bake cookies, but for me to stand back was a 180 so I went with it.

For the holidays-On Christmas Eve, we all go out for Chinese food (in homage to the movie, The Christmas Story). We often go to my uncles's house on Christmas day but haven't the last 2 years and the girls seem to want to...When the girls were little there was a lot more craft stuff going on..but maybe we'll get back to that. Usually lots of board games, some ice skating..maybe we'll create some new traditions this year.

H is more distant and pulling away. Not sure if its b/c he has therapy this afternoon(which he dreads and hasn't had in 6 weeks), or his trip to NYC for the weekend. I'm trying to just be upbeat and calm..letting him have his space and validating when possible. Not sure what tonight will bring since H is in this kind of weird place right now.

Thanks for checking in!

I had a thought this morning and wonder if anyone has an opinion on it...Do you think that our spouses somehow pick us as partners(perhaps subconsciously) b/c they know that somehow we're more stable or less broken and that will allow them to go into MLC and be removed from their responsibilities, so to speak, b/c we will be there to carry on and take care of the family?

I'm sure there are families where both spouses go off the deep end..but it seems to me that those of us posting on this forum have kept things running while H or W has run off into the MLC tunnel...just wondering...

[trustingfaith]

I had a thought this morning and wonder if anyone has an opinion on it...Do you think that our spouses somehow pick us as partners(perhaps subconsciously) b/c they know that somehow we're more stable or less broken and that will allow them to go into MLC and be removed from their responsibilities, so to speak, b/c we will be there to carry on and take care of the family?

I'm sure there are families where both spouses go off the deep end..but it seems to me that those of us posting on this forum have kept things running while H or W has run off into the MLC tunnel...just wondering...

I have wondered the same thing. I have a live in MLCer and I think that he is content with doing his own thing and letting me handle absolutely everything with the kids, the house, etc. because I can and I am. He seems to be waking up a bit and helping out with the kids more but otherwise takes pretty much zero responsibility. And it is always on his terms. And to think before his MLC I didn't consider myself the stable one . . .

[kjensen]

Update:
I think H is pulling away more-not sure if permanent or part of MLC-maybe withdrawal. H had therapy yesterday and didn't mention anything about it and I didn't ask.

This morning I got the girls up to say goodbye to their dad before he goes on his weekend trip to NYC. He gave them each a big hug and and "I love you". when he got to me, he almost didn't do a thing. He gave me a hug and an "I love you" slipped out of my mouth-OOPS. :-( Nothing from H.

So he's gone. I have some stuff planned for me and the girls and I hope to keep from thinking about H too much this weekend. Trying to detach. Not easy.

[Grace_O]

How did you react after you said I love you to him?

I have a suggestion, the next time he says it to you, don't say ILY back. Look at him (dead in the eyes) and consider saying somehting along the lines of "that means so much to me".


I hope all goes well this weekend. Hey you and the girls could celbrate the 216th anniversary of the opening of the Louvre on Sunday. We celebrate the ususal holidays too (wouldn't want you to think I was odd or anything ).