For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Oh, there's a little more (I use this forum to get great advice & support, but also to journal).

After H blew off trick-or-treating, I wanted to ignore him all weekend. But on Sunday, a friend invited me to a concert at her church. So an hr before I needed to leave, I sent H a text asking if he could be here in a hr. He responds, "Now why would you wait until now to ask me? I can't make it now!" That reply came as no surprise to me, but it still annoyed me. So, I didn't reply and instead had my sister watch DD.

And this morning he sends me this: "I'm asking now cause I know how you've been with heads up. What days do you need me to watch her this week?" For the most part he has been pretty good about watching her when I ask. But here's the thing...Why is it like this? Why am I asking - like he's doing me some kind of favor? HELLO...he's her dad - he needs to parent her, not just be her babysitter.

And he's going to be mad when I email him my work hours. For the next couple of weeks I'm helping with some health screenings and I will have to leave for work between 4:30am and 6:00am. I will need him to come over in the morning and take DD to the sitter at 7:00am - which is the earliest we can take her. He's going to be upset bc he'll have to get up SUPER early to drive all the way over here in the morning to take DD. He'll have to get up between 3:30am and 5:00am to get here in time to I can leave for work. But, he made the choice to move out so it's really not my fault. And I can't simply tell my work that I can't be there bc it's too early.

When I email him my hours, I think I might also mention what I said above - he needs to parent her and help raise, not just be a babysitter - I might say it a little nicer, but that's what he needs to hear. Thoughts???

[TrentC]

After H blew off trick-or-treating, I wanted to ignore him all weekend. But on Sunday, a friend invited me to a concert at her church. So an hr before I needed to leave, I sent H a text asking if he could be here in a hr. He responds, "Now why would you wait until now to ask me? I can't make it now!" That reply came as no surprise to me, but it still annoyed me. So, I didn't reply and instead had my sister watch DD.

I dunno, you might have given him earlier notice that you wanted him to pick up your DD, but it's not clear how much time elapsed between being invited to the concert and you going.

And this morning he sends me this: "I'm asking now cause I know how you've been with heads up. What days do you need me to watch her this week?" For the most part he has been pretty good about watching her when I ask. But here's the thing...Why is it like this? Why am I asking - like he's doing me some kind of favor? HELLO...he's her dad - he needs to parent her, not just be her babysitter.

Agreed. He's also trying to use the incident about the concert to beat you up a little.

And he's going to be mad when I email him my work hours. For the next couple of weeks I'm helping with some health screenings and I will have to leave for work between 4:30am and 6:00am. I will need him to come over in the morning and take DD to the sitter at 7:00am - which is the earliest we can take her. He's going to be upset bc he'll have to get up SUPER early to drive all the way over here in the morning to take DD. He'll have to get up between 3:30am and 5:00am to get here in time to I can leave for work. But, he made the choice to move out so it's really not my fault. And I can't simply tell my work that I can't be there bc it's too early.

If he decides not to do it, do you have a backup plan? Your sister, maybe?

When I email him my hours, I think I might also mention what I said above - he needs to parent her and help raise, not just be a babysitter - I might say it a little nicer, but that's what he needs to hear. Thoughts???

He does need to hear it, but he's not going to hear it if you say it. It'll get screened out by the "courts is a nagging bitch" filter he's got up.

You almost have to approach this as being a single mom. If he can pull on his Big Boy Pants and deal with his responsibilities to his kid like an adult, great. If not, you need to find other arrangements.

[courts0818]

Well, I guess he's making rude comments bc he's used to cake-eating. IDK. In the past, there were times when he made those kind of comments, but I didn't make a big deal out if it - bc things were good between us - I took it more as a joke and I probably fired something right back at him. But at this point, it's just rude and disrespectful (not that it really wasn't before, but now I take serious offense to it).

"I don't know why you've started talking trash to me, but I feel like I'm being disrespected. if it doesn't stop, then I don't want to be around you at all." - I'll keep this suggestion in mind. : )

Yes, I know I didn't give him much time to get to our house. I don't usually spring stuff on him with just an hour notice. The truth is, I took a nap when my DD did and when we got up, I only had an hour before I needed to leave. I could have bet money that he wouldn't do it.

And what would be the point of him beating me up a little bit with his text this morning? WTH? So I asked and it didn't work out. What's the point of throwing it back in my face?

Regarding those early morning hours, no I don't have a back up plan. I suppose I could ask my mom, but I will be furious if I have to do that - DD is OUR responsibility. It's not like I enjoy leaving for work @ 4:30am, but I don't have a say in the matter. And nobody else should have to get up at the crack of dawn to help me out bc he doesn't feel doing it.

TrentC, that's another issue...YES indeed my H needs to hear it (and hear LOTS of other things), but you are right he's got his Courtney is a nagging bitch filter on. But, nobody will step up and say anything to him. His family just treats him like a pathetic little baby - "Ohhhh, poor *, he's hurting. We really hope you both can work this out. blah, blah, blah..." How about somebody call him out already!!! Makes me sick!!!!

[TrentC]

Regarding those early morning hours, no I don't have a back up plan. I suppose I could ask my mom, but I will be furious if I have to do that - DD is OUR responsibility. It's not like I enjoy leaving for work @ 4:30am, but I don't have a say in the matter. And nobody else should have to get up at the crack of dawn to help me out bc he doesn't feel doing it.

You're right, but think of this is a preview of what you're going to deal with if and when the D is final. One of you needs to be 100% committed to taking care of DD, and you can't count on him to be that person. If he walks out completely on you two, you need to have a Plan B.

But, nobody will step up and say anything to him. His family just treats him like a pathetic little baby - "Ohhhh, poor *, he's hurting. We really hope you both can work this out. blah, blah, blah..." How about somebody call him out already!!! Makes me sick!!!!

Then let them bear the brunt of that job. At some point they may start asking him what he's doing to work on the R. Or maybe they won't.

You have more important things to worry about, like yourself and DD.

[courts0818]

Ugh! Well, I am MORE THAN 100% committed to taking care of DD. That will never change. I'm just disgusted with this whole thing! But, I do appreciate your input. I can't rely on him, so I have to figure things out on my own and having a back up plan is a smart thing to do.

Oh yes...I have more important things to worry about - like my beautiful DD and having fun while learning to be the best me I can be!

[TrentC]

Ugh! Well, I am MORE THAN 100% committed to taking care of DD. That will never change. I'm just disgusted with this whole thing! But, I do appreciate your input. I can't rely on him, so I have to figure things out on my own and having a back up plan is a smart thing to do.

Oh yes...I have more important things to worry about - like my beautiful DD and having fun while learning to be the best me I can be!

Indeed you do. And it sounds like you're on the right track.

You will look back at this time in your life and wonder how you got through it. But your DD will remember the parent that was there for her, through thick and thin.

That karma always works out in the end -- my friend's stepson (call him "Nick") actually told his biological father at 15 that he didn't want anything to do with him any more, because he was an abusive, selfish, self-loathing man. As far as I know, Nick never talked to his father again; his father died in a boating accident a year ago.

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney,
How do you think that H would react if you just took him and his "contributions" toward taking care of DD out of the picture?

I had been separated for about 18 months when I decided that I was done. He had an A, and is on the other side of the country, so I didnt see him for about 13 of those months. Then when I did, I realized that I had done some great things with my life, I had fabulous friends, and a definite direction that I wanted to take. And he really hadnt changed anything, except for the A, OW dumped him (after he caught her with another man!). But he still drank too much, was petty, yelled at my dogs. I realized that he kind of sucked! I tried a lot to stand for my M, and I feel good about how I left it. But it is time to get on with my life.

I think that it is hilarious that dd was a chicken for Halloween! Your H missed out this time! I hope that eventually he realizes what hes losing playing these games. Some people on here will encourage you to be indefinately patient, but honestly, I just cant recommend that. At some point, you have to admit that there is a bright, loving relationship in your future, and you are just stagnating.

I dont know, probably not the best DBing advice... But IMO, this is a part of detaching.

[bluerain]

I guess, if you love him, keep trying. If you just love the idea of being a wife, having a husband and an intact family, maybe thats not enough...

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain,
What do you mean when you say: "How do you think that H would react if you just took him and his "contributions" toward taking care of DD out of the picture?" Do you mean not asking him to watch her or what?

Things have been all over the place, but a couple of months ago I told him no more popping in and out whenever he felt like it. At that point we created a set schedule - he would come to our home on Tues. & Thurs. nights and keep her here. That worked for a bit, then that schedule sort of went away and now it's back. However, when I have things to do, work commitments or whatever, I do ask if he can watch her. I am going to tell him about my upcoming work schedule and tell him (nicely) he needs to do it. I'm not going to start by asking my mom or sister to be here at 4:30 in the morning or to keep DD overnight during the week. I guess it might come to that, but for now he needs to step up (or get a swift kick in the a$$!).

When you finally decided that you were done, how did you know? I second guess everything and just when I think I'm done, I keep hanging on to hope. And you said that you had done great things with your life and had a def. direction - was that through GAL during the torture of the affair and the broken R? Just wondering.

By the way, your H caught the OW with another man??? Oh my...first, what a tramp she is - she needs to find some morals and values already! Second, that's karma right there.

Well, I kinda realize my H sucks too! But I can't decide if it's bc the choices he's making right now or bc...well...he just sucks and isn't as wonderful as I thought. I mean I guess I've really seen his true colors and it's not a pretty picture.

I do still love him - sometimes I'm not even sure how or why. But my love and my patience can't wait forever. It's just not fair to me. And at this point, we want different things and we value different things. Just don't know if he will ever come around or when he does...maybe it will be way too late.

Moving on to happy thoughts...
ha ha...I know - is that chicken costume funny or what? : ) It was adorable with fleece orange pants that had little claw feet and a big, fluffy and kinda feathery white jacket thing with a hood that had little red feathers on top. SO CUTE!

[bluerain]

I mean stopped asking him to "babysit", I hate it when men say that, its your kid, its not called babysitting, its called being a dad! But maybe if you stopped trying to count on him, you wouldnt be disappointed.

I know, I loved to hear that that had happened. She was also M, and her H was out of state on a temp. duty assignment. She lives in another town about 700 miles away, and H had flown there once to see her, another time, he flew there to surprise her, and hes the one who got the surprise! Wow, a woman who is willing to cheat on her H is willing to cheat on her boyfriend! Thats unbeleivable (not!). It broke his heart, and I think went a long way toward making him realize what a terrible mistake he made. Not that he thinks that it can be fixed, but boy, he knows he screwed up.

Hes in the Coast Guard, and his ship was in dry-dock in the OW's town for 3 months. I really think that yes, we had problems, but mostly, I think that he just got lonely, and I was too far away to remind him that we had a great life together, so he was able to talk himself into hating me and our M.

I went through stages. I would be done for a while, I even dated someone, who turned out to ultimately be a whack job. But I would go back to being hopeful, and H came to visit in sept of this year. He sort of slipped right back into the role of H, and for 8 days we had a great time, laughing, ML, all of what we used to have. Then on the 8th day when it was time for him to leave, he told me that the love just wasnt there. I couldnt beleive it.

I know that he is miserable because of the choices that hes made, and I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. Thats the bottom line. I know that I am a great W, even better with all Ive learned DBing, and someone will be very lucky to have me. I think that thats true for you too, if your H comes around, then boy, he will be a lucky man, but if not, its his loss, you have a bright future, he can be a part of it, but if he screws around too long, its his loss.

If it doesnt work out thn you can know that when what these WAS have done finally sinks in, they will spend a long time recovering from it. And you will know that you have turned over every stone trying to save this. You will have a much easier time than him.