What to do, what to do?

[courts0818]

Lulu,
Ugh...I'm sorry you are having a tuff time today. When I read the comment your H made, my heart broke for you. : ( I know it is MUCH easier said than done, but try to keep in mind that yet again, that was a comment made by your H while in his fantasy fog. Of course that does not make it okay, but the fact that he even said it totally shows that he was falling hard for the grass is greener theory. Which is like the biggest load of bs that exists. Um...problems just don't go away with a different person - eventually the same stuff comes up over and over again regardless of who they are with.

That comment is proof positive that he wasn't looking at things from a realistic standpoint. And I know you know that...I'm just saying. I don't understand how a WAS can imagine how great life could be with someone else while totally forgetting how great life once was with their spouse! It's like they let the great times with their spouses just fall out of their heads. How can someone (and I don't just mean your H - my H does the exact same thing) become so delusional and naive?

You have seen my recent posts. I came back from NY on a ball busting mission - so you know I feel the same way and I have those same questions - what on earth am I fighting for.

Maybe like me - you are exhausted from the fight, you know you deserve better, you are tired of feeling like you've been run over by a truck each time you hear hurtful words, you are so ready to be done with this - BUT, deep down even though he's hurt you more than you could have ever imagined, you love him. Your fighting for the commitment you made, you are honoring the vows you took, you are doing everything you can to keep your family together - for you, for him and for your precious little girls. I know you are Lulu, cause I'm doing the same. I often question why - Why am I still here? Will it ever get better? Will we ever be happy again? Will I ever be able to trust him and forgive him? Would I be better off without him? The questions could go on and on.

I think you are here and still fighting bc in your heart (and for me too) you still feel like it's the right thing to do. What do you think?

Sending my hugs! Wish we lived close so we could go have some drinks tonight and let other men find themselves infatuated with us! : )

[courts0818]

Just checking in before I got to bed. Hope you are feeling better. : )

[LuLu]

Feeling much better. Thank you for your words. It's such a roller coaster ride.

I really wish we lived closer too, the drinks and getting hit on would be just what the Dr ordered.

I did end up finding a MC yesterday. She is pro-marriage and has had some success with infidelity/issues like ours. She is familiar with MWD and solution based therapy. She said that whether our marriage survives or not, MC will ease the emotions. After all, with kids, H and I are stuck with each other forever. Our first appt is next Monday. I'm nervous and excited.

Do I act differently in MC? Do I DB?

[courts0818]

Lulu,
Is your appt. this Monday, Nov. 2nd? If so, just wanted to say good luck! Sounds like you found a terrific counselor. I hope she's a great fit for the both of you.

I'm so happy that your H is taking this step.

I'm not sure if you act differently in MC. I think you need to be very open and honest to let your true feelings be known and to allow the issues to be addressed. You are looking for resolution here, so you need to be honest at least IMHO. If it were me, I would want to talk about it all - cause if not, resentment would build.

I think I would say how I was truly feeling during MC (and probably wouldn't hold much of anything back - after all your H said he wanted to do this for the girls and you are there to work on the marriage - so I'd be talking, listening and learning). Then at home maybe you could still try to keep up with the DB - at least not forcing conversations about the R, being happy and so forth.

Kinda of use it for what it is - your opportunity to get it all out, to sort through it, to work through it, to learn new tools and resources. Then, when it's finished (talk to your H if it seems like the right thing to do and/or if your counselor gives you that as homework). Then...it's back to learning to be happy on her own, Lulu. The strong, independent woman that you are.

Does that make sense? I'm tired tonight and kinda all over the place with my thoughts. In a nutshell, be open during MC - put your thoughts out there. When it's over - back to being the best you can be without him right by your side. : )

[LuLu]

Yes, it makes sense. Thanks.

Had a not so good weekend. Friday we talked about going to a Halloween party for the kids or to a fun Halloween event at a local park. I didn't speak to H all day. He calls at 6pm to let me know he's too tired to make it out and he wouldn't be much fun. I didn't pick up the phone, I let it go to voice mail. We were already out to dinner at this point, I knew he wasn't coming but I wasn't going to call him.

He did go trick or treating with us. This was the girls first Trick or Treating Halloween. They loved it! H at one point was rushing them home. I stopped him. They were having so much fun. I told him that I would keep taking them out alone if he was ready to leave. At that point, I really didn't care if he stayed or not, the joy in the girls was worth staying out as long as they wanted. He stayed but left as soon as we got them home to bed.

H was supposed to come over early Sunday morning and stay until naps. Usually this means 8am to 1pm. I didn't hear from him until 11am. I had plans with the kids that afternoon so his time was almost up. He called, I didn't answer. I honestly did not want to hear his bs story. He was going to feed me a bunch of lies and I frankly did not care to hear them. I went NC the rest of the day. He called a dozen times. At one point, he texted me concerned about the girls.

M: They are fine. I am busy, did you need something?
H: Why won't you contact me?

Later in the day:

H: Call me ASAP.
M: Eating dinner. Is there something you need?

Yeah, okay, don't hold your breath on me calling you. I have no desire to speak to him. He's better off if I don't. I'm so tired of his crap. He is selfish, inconsiderate, rude and has zero respect for me or for anyone else. Those girls thought they were going to see Daddy yesterday. F him!

He's supposed to come over today. We're celebrating a special adoption day thing with our daughter. My mother is coming over too. They have not seen each other since before the business trip. Should be interesting.

Court- MC is next Monday. That should be interesting as well considering I don't really want to go, haha.

[LuLu]

Business trip = affair

[courts0818]

Sorry to hear you also had a bummer weekend. He was too tired to join u guys on Friday, huh? Sounds EXACTLY like something my H would say. lame, lame, lame. And of course - they never ask if we are tired or need help.

Awwww...so glad your girls loved trick-or-treating! : ) I would have done the same thing - kept them out as long as they wanted, but it's good your H relaxed and stayed with you guys.

My H does the same thing - as soon as we get DD to bed, he's out the door. Most of the time, he says goodnight to her (nothing to me) and he leaves while I'm reading her books.

Yeah, okay, don't hold your breath on me calling you. I have no desire to speak to him. He's better off if I don't. I'm so tired of his crap. He is selfish, inconsiderate, rude and has zero respect for me or for anyone else. Those girls thought they were going to see Daddy yesterday. F him! - Could have been my exact words!!!!!!

Hope the adoption celebration goes well! He should feel like such a snake (I'm totally cleaning up my choice of wording here) in front of your mom! Regardless...this is about your daughter and I hope it's a great night. She's a lucky little girl to have you as her mommy!!!! In the future, I would love to do an international adoption.

[jstv]

Lulu..just wanted to fill you in on my experience with MC. My H left 7/19/09...WAS..said he was "done" so I asked him to go to MC to help me understand "WHY???" He sat there with no explaination whatsoever...it even got to the point where the MC asked him to try to find some sort of explaination. After two times in which he said he did not want to work on M, the MC said he shut down so he didn't have to feel and I was to move on with my life. You can imagine how disappointed I was because I thought him agreeing to go to MC was a positive sign but it was just an opportunity for him to validate his reason for leaving even more!

This has been the craziest roller coaster ride I've ever been on. H still won't communicate any feelings. I truly think he is going through MLC but he's only 33 but I was told that it's still possible. H is a completely different man and unfortunately not a man I would ever want to be with. So, if he doesn't show any signs of work on M, then I don't know how much longer I can live in limbo.

[LuLu]

js- Thanks for sharing your story. I have zero expectations for MC. Like you, we went to MC early on. H was so cold and emotionless. The counselor was pro-marriage (thanks to DB that's all I've been finding us) and wanted him to go NC with OW and seek therapy. He said no. H said he felt no emotions. C said it was there but it was hidden in there. It's just recently that I've started to see some emotions. This is after after almost 5 months and I think only because of the kids. Your C was terrible. All you can do is work on yourself. I get it now. We work on ourselves because a. it brings our H's back or b. we get so strong that we don't even want them anymore. Either way it's win-win.


Last night was okay. I could tell my mom was a little anxious about it all so I just turned most of my attention towards her and the girls. H & Mom were civil, not much small talk. So it was all good. We feasted on some Thai food and set our floats into the river. It was fun.

When it was time to get ready for bed, dd 2yr old kept saying Daddy stay here. She kept getting more books for Daddy to read (we usually do 2 books all together on the couch). She must have grabbed 5 books. She was stalling. She did not want H to leave. It was so sad. I usually put her to bed but last night she wanted to H to hold her and kept saying Daddy stay here. It broke my heart. I finally was able to put her to bed but I was crying and still am if I think about it. I have such a heavy heart. H ended up staying for a few minutes after that. I went to the kitchen to straighten up a bit and H asked me, "What do I do?" I had a mouthful but only said, I'm not going to tell you what to do. You do what you think is best (that was a big thing in our marriage - me telling him what to do). It was so sad I'm so depressed just thinking about it. My poor sweet babies.

H called this morning asking how dd was. She was still in bed so I had no idea. He said that he couldn't sleep all night and that he was heartbroken. I'm going out on Friday pm and he told me that he was going to sleep here that night and be here in the am to wake up with the kids and cook them breakfast. He also said that he wants to move back in for the kids but wasn't sure if that was the best thing for us. He said we'll see what the MC says on Monday. I just said ok. Huge 180 for me because I am a talker! Anyway, interesting chain of events here. Looks like someone may be getting his emotions back and coming to realize that he may not come first after all.

[jstv]

Thats sounds like progress...he is showing some emotions. Unfortunately my H has really not done any work on himself and if he doesn't then I'm afraid we don't have a chance. It's funny though, the more I see this distant, emotionless, stranger (my H) the more I think I deserve to be in a mutually loving, caring, committed R. So, sometimes I think: was this a blessing in disguise? Did H leave because I never would? Although every day is such a struggle. Last night our 3 kids (2,5 & 8) went to his apt. which they haven't been in awhile because he has wanted to watch them at my house (which doen't work out because then I need to leave my own house for 4 hrs) and I kept thinking, what do they think, how do they feel? I don't want them growing up being schlept back and forth from a house they love (we live on farm, animals, pool, tennis, etc..) to a 2BR purgatory apt. Also, my whole family, MC, friends don't even know why he would leave his beautiful wife, 3 kids, farm, ect... H has even said himself that he is just an ***hole and he just wants more and more. So sorry then, because I'd be happy living in a shack but with someone I love and they love me. I am honestly getting closer to calling mediator and starting the whole D process. From my eyes, H is stuck too and he's not going to keep me in the mud with him.
___________
Me 36
WAH 33
S 8
D 5
D 2
T - 11
M - 9.5
Seperated - 7/19/09
H still "confused"