Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Journaling~

Just spent about 3 hours on 2 phone calls with H...

The first ended badly with him hanging up on me (he says he didn't, he had to get back to work)...

The conversation started out just fine until he informed me he was moving his banking to the town he lives in - Which for some reason set me the hell off the charts...

I have my own account and we also share an account - His paycheck goes into our account and I take basically half (for now until the courts say otherwise)...

By moving his account I would then have to "ask" him for any money concerning the boys...

That to me is unfair and I stated as such...

From that point on, it went downhill with me calling (actually I was yelling) the fat troll almost every name in the book as well as letting him know how I feel about his lack of concern and parenting to our sons...

He stated he hadn't changed his mind, still wanted a divorce and he was now going to Church - That floored me so I told him that I was glad he was going back to Church (regardless of the skank sitting next to him) and that I hoped God would help him find what he was looking for...

I informed him his son had been arrested which he in turn got pissed about because it was 2 weeks ago...

I told him I had handled it however he may be getting a call from the public defender so I wanted him to know what it was about...

Said he had talked to our son before school started about what he needs to do, how he needed to act etc...

I in turn said "Talking to him and being there for him (regardless of us right now) are two different things."

I said I don't appreciate him never calling our little one and how he has yet to see him since July...

He played the "Kids are resiliant" card with me so I in turn said "You weren't"...

He said what do you mean - I said you are just like your damn Father (who walked out on his Mom and his siblings when he was 5)...

What you did was no better then what he did - He in turn informs me that he was good for 36 years before the damage kicked in WTF?

In his mind he can divorce me and be saved, forgiven, baptized and then go to Heaven to which I explained it doesn't work like that...

He said what do you mean? I said you have to repent your sins - He said I asked for forgiveness to which I replied yet you are still living in sin - Repenting means changing your ways from a life of sin...

He says well then I can't do that to which then I called him a hypocrite...

I said you are using the Bible and twisting it to justify what you are doing...

He said he doesn't want to be married to anyone ever again...

He doesn't owe me an explanation as to why nor did he at the time he stuck his junk in someone else...

He said he would come get the boys on Sunday and take them to his place to which I said - Not gonna happen - You will not parade your flavor of the month around our sons...

You don't want to married, fine, file however I will have my attorney put it in writing that any OW are not to be introduced to the boys on a continuous basis because you can't decide who gets your d**k tonight. He hung up right after that...

About 10 minutes later I get another phone call...

After apologizing for hanging up, he then informs me (concerning his feelings)that "anything could change tomorrow" and then talked as if we didn't just have the previous conversation and he ended it with I love you...

Now I am spent emotionally, I feel like I have gone 5 rounds with Mike Tyson...

Talking to him is like having a simultaneous conversation with 10 different people...

I feel like I just effed up royally and backslid so far I will never paddle out of this one and I don't even know where to begin...

Up until now I have neutralized "her" and never make mention of her in any of our conversations...

Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...

I thought I was above this...

I have no words of wisdom for anyone today and I am sorry.