She doesn't feel secure with you. All she knows is that when the $hit hits the fan, you're there to protect & take care of yourself first and her afterwards. That's what she is used to. You don't make her feel secure & protected, so much so that living apart from you will enable her to feel more safe.
I'm going to add that the 'violation' is NOT what makes her feel insecure. It's your reaction to all of HER issues that is making her insecure. I'll echo others who say that she uses that as emotional leverage because she knows inside that when she does, it will knock you off balance, thus proving you are not able to protect her.
As David Cunningham says "If you can't stand up TO me, how can you stand up FOR me". Well, how can you?
Read Deida's book also. "The way of the Superior Man".
You need to NO LONGER REACT to anything she says about the past EXCEPT to say "I can see how you might feel that way".
I'm working on the task. You said to take a couple of days. Otherwise (you know me) I am just going to say what I want in my life is........... my wife..........You know, Indy being Indy.
I will come up with real answers.
I know the R talks have to end. I say I won't take part, and then (me being me) I am so happy to have any kind of attention from wife I talk to her and hear her reasoning and I believe it.
So..the only solution for me, is absolute zero on R talks...or anything that could lead to one, before I know it. Best for ME to err on the side of caution.
Up until now, I have been feeling nothing but guilt, shame and sorrow. I have been trying so hard to be the nice guy and putting off my conflicting feelings of anger, distrust for my wife that I have been letting her play me.
I keep telling myself that such a nice woman, wouldn't be like that. I forget she's an alien. As you folks keep pounding it into my head, I am slowly starting to get it. I can't promise 100% turnaround immediately, but...
I can stop reacting to everything she says and does. I can work on forgiving myself for past actions. I can stop talking about R. I can do more to GAL. I can stop letting her see my pain and hurt. I can create some mystery. I can detach much more - and that I think is most important. I can really listen when she says something - then walk away if it's about R - or continue to listen and vailidate if it isn't.
Indy, you got to let the guilt go. You are not looking at your own situation clearly.
You were a horny guy who tried to have sex with your plastered wife.
What puppy said! back a page. if you were truly the chester the molester you are making yourself out to be your wife would not be sleeping in the same bed as you and you would not have had stoned out sex.
her waywardness and your weakness are the issues, now. work on yours then start dealing with hers.
I'm getting there Steve. My wife did such a good job of convincing herself that she is justified in leaving with that night as the final straw, that she had me convinced.
Even if what I did was wrong, I have sincerely apologised. And that is not what is ending my marriage. My wife is making that choice. I do not and will not feel guilty for her choice.
I think she's making excuses for her own decision to cut and run from her marriage.
I think if and when you guys reconcile -- or even if you don't, and someday she comes to grips with the truth of her decisions -- she will tell you that it was b.s., and that she was using this as an excuse.
I think she's re-writing your marital history to justify her waywardness. Puppy
Just following along and I just had to hijack and thank you for this. This what my wife was doing! At least back when she still communicated with me.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
ok.. read the whole thing and just have to say a few things from a chick-a-dee
Your wife is full of sh*t and you must stop eating from that plate.... My H has played around with me when I was sleeping and maybe even intoxicated a time or two. One time early on in our marriage... I told him the next day that I had been really drunk and didn't like that... you know what he just thought I was into it, he didn't know (like you didn't know she was on drugs) that I was as intoxicated as I was. She feels perfectly safe with you or she wouldn't have been sleeping NAKED in the bed with you afterwards. These are her excuses to beat you up and beat you down.
Guess what sometimes I get in bed and play with my H while he is sleeping and sometimes he wakes up and sometimes he doesn't so I stop.
Oh, and good luck making a criminal issues out of it... kinda hard to prove your so frightend and scared when you move back and sleep in the same bed NAKED with your husband and she's gonna file a report months later ... good luck with that one.
Leave your wife alone for now.... your torturing yourself with all these self depreciating thoughts and it is coming thru.
BTW, most people that keep there new apartments hidden are having an affair.... we didn't know where H was living for a few months. They don't want you snooping.
As far as the vacation, I hear what you are saying but if you think day to day lives are tough...you just wait..this has disaster written all over it.
So from this chick-a-dee to you....
make some changes fast... get out more ask you C about medication... you need some for anxiety or depression or maybe they can give you something to make you zip your lip. (That was a joke)
Frankly, my saved marriage is on the rocks right now, with the current revelation that he just doens't love me anymore after all the chit I have been thru with him it's exhausting and I make myself get up and workout, run or something everyday. There is no options om this.... do I miss out on time with my kids cause of this.... yes because all though I am home everyday and could go to the gym.... I wait till the evening 2-3 nights a week and go when H is home. Does he wonder if I am really at the gym ... probably not but it's not something i normally do so it's different.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Stop talking about doing it and do it
JUST DO IT
Go out to a coffee shop... buy a paper and read it real slow there...Give yourself some space.
Now, I am gonna say this and it won't sound nice coming from a nice girl like me but put your big boy underwear on and act like a man. Even if you don't feel like it, act like it
Your wife has been bullying you to make you feel like sh*t about yourself ... so you've done that for awhile ...NOW STOP IT.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
i quess i missed this, your wife has an apartment and is keeping its location secret? you said she was still living at home and she is moving out around/after the holidays right? the location is secret?
