#66 Looking for Susnhine...

[Kalni]

I cant do this when I feel he is doing the minimum to just keep me attached to him. I think he sells dreams and hopes to me. But that's all he does. Or at least that's what it feels like.

I may want too much too soon. Everytime I set a boudnary, he arrogantly crosses it or ignores it. Even if that's a request, an email, a phone call, a desire...

Dont get me wrong. I have to be honest, in comparison to last year's reconciliation this is ... a thousand times better. BUT, what happened since then, all the things that were revealed, are a million times worse.

We have a time phase gap. Last year it was his time to withdraw from her using me and our attempt to work it out. I can see that the addiction is "broken". I dont know if it will last. It seems genuine and has nothing to do with choosing me. Their affair died as almost all afairs die. It didnt stand the light and reality. So, when I am explaining clearly, not accusing, that I NEED him to give her closure, he feels it's outdated. To me, since she is still emailing him with demands, is necessary. He says, he even deletes her emails without reading them. If that is true, then yes, I can rest assure SHE is not a threat anymore. But how can I verify if that is true?

While he feels he closed that door, I just found out the magnitude of the affair. In my head, I swear, I never for once honestly believed it was that serious. I joked about it, I kind of "threw empty nets in the sea to get some fish" as we say in Greek, but I didnt really believe this woman played such a big role in his life. So, I AM NOW coming to terms with that, while he says and seems to have gone to the next level so my requests seem "foolish" (not his words, mine)...

Passionate Marriage says that when the tough gets going, we need to hold on to what we think is right. And I think/feel is right that I get what I want, not as an act of revenge towards her or anything, as a plain, simple much needed reassurance gesture.

I am loosing my balance, walking on a line every day. It is exactly what I am working on, on myself. All this work to differentiate my happiness from him and his shortcomings, cant go wasted.

Yes Jack. I can forgive him. When I was asking for the divorce and meaning it, I had forgiven him for the life he chose to deprive me from without needing him to do anything. But this is another level of forgiveness now, I need to forgive him and let him in again. And to do that, I need some help. Maybe it goes against the "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" notion, but it sure fits my idea of working together to overcome this dreadful period of our lives.

Right now we are both lost and confused, reacting to moments, words, feelings. We dont drive this relationship that is forming, we are letting it happen. And I dont like keeping corpses under my bed, worrying if I will step on them at any given moment. I want a fresh slate, common understanding of what needs to be done and somekind of "rules" we both agree to.

I hate feeling resentment towards him becuase I have had to ask 4 times by now that he talks to her. I am contemplating whether I should just tell him, "until you do, please stay away".

His work is getting crazy. He is about to make a big move and his is preoccupied with that. Under different circumstances, I would be VERY supportive. I still am. But every now and then this devilish voice whispers in my head "so what if his job is crazy, what about you Maria?". It takes all my strength to not tell him to shove his work issue at the place where the sun doesnt shine and still, I manage to do it(be supportive). I listen, validate and try NOT to lecture him (I am better at these things ) Because in the end, I want to do the right thing, I want to be supportive, I want to encourage him, to help him with his dreams. As I would do a friend that came to me with his issues while my life had different priorities. But he is not a friend, and to my understanding, our priority right now should be the same...

It is so damn hard to change the beliefs of a lifetime. I dont know all the terms in English but it has become evident to me that I volunteered so much power over me, to him, without him requesting it. Loving was...surrendering. I remember when I started detaching, how surprised I was, the young Maria still existed, bright and fun to be with. Rob (not RTL, my Rob) sent me an email, telling me over the years I had lost my shine and he was glad to see it coming back as he remembered it.

I want to be bright and shiny and true to myself, I want to compromise only to the point I feel comfortable with, not to the point I feel it is necessary to have A (of any kind) relationship with H. It goes against my nature to loose the duty/guilt feelings and stand strong when so much is in stake. But is it really? Right now, all there is in stake is a hope and a dream. Everything else is long lost.

I guess, I went crazy on you guys. I could keep on forever tonight. Anyway, my goal is to stand strong and find the balance between right and effective. It's like constantly "re aligning myself" to not leave my course, affected by his doings or ommisions.
K