I cant do this when I feel he is doing the minimum to just keep me attached to him. I think he sells dreams and hopes to me. But that's all he does. Or at least that's what it feels like.
I may want too much too soon. Everytime I set a boudnary, he arrogantly crosses it or ignores it. Even if that's a request, an email, a phone call, a desire...
Dont get me wrong. I have to be honest, in comparison to last year's reconciliation this is ... a thousand times better. BUT, what happened since then, all the things that were revealed, are a million times worse.
We have a time phase gap. Last year it was his time to withdraw from her using me and our attempt to work it out. I can see that the addiction is "broken". I dont know if it will last. It seems genuine and has nothing to do with choosing me. Their affair died as almost all afairs die. It didnt stand the light and reality. So, when I am explaining clearly, not accusing, that I NEED him to give her closure, he feels it's outdated. To me, since she is still emailing him with demands, is necessary. He says, he even deletes her emails without reading them. If that is true, then yes, I can rest assure SHE is not a threat anymore. But how can I verify if that is true?
While he feels he closed that door, I just found out the magnitude of the affair. In my head, I swear, I never for once honestly believed it was that serious. I joked about it, I kind of "threw empty nets in the sea to get some fish" as we say in Greek, but I didnt really believe this woman played such a big role in his life. So, I AM NOW coming to terms with that, while he says and seems to have gone to the next level so my requests seem "foolish" (not his words, mine)...
Passionate Marriage says that when the tough gets going, we need to hold on to what we think is right. And I think/feel is right that I get what I want, not as an act of revenge towards her or anything, as a plain, simple much needed reassurance gesture.
I am loosing my balance, walking on a line every day. It is exactly what I am working on, on myself. All this work to differentiate my happiness from him and his shortcomings, cant go wasted.
Yes Jack. I can forgive him. When I was asking for the divorce and meaning it, I had forgiven him for the life he chose to deprive me from without needing him to do anything. But this is another level of forgiveness now, I need to forgive him and let him in again. And to do that, I need some help. Maybe it goes against the "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" notion, but it sure fits my idea of working together to overcome this dreadful period of our lives.
Right now we are both lost and confused, reacting to moments, words, feelings. We dont drive this relationship that is forming, we are letting it happen. And I dont like keeping corpses under my bed, worrying if I will step on them at any given moment. I want a fresh slate, common understanding of what needs to be done and somekind of "rules" we both agree to.
I hate feeling resentment towards him becuase I have had to ask 4 times by now that he talks to her. I am contemplating whether I should just tell him, "until you do, please stay away".
His work is getting crazy. He is about to make a big move and his is preoccupied with that. Under different circumstances, I would be VERY supportive. I still am. But every now and then this devilish voice whispers in my head "so what if his job is crazy, what about you Maria?". It takes all my strength to not tell him to shove his work issue at the place where the sun doesnt shine and still, I manage to do it(be supportive). I listen, validate and try NOT to lecture him (I am better at these things ) Because in the end, I want to do the right thing, I want to be supportive, I want to encourage him, to help him with his dreams. As I would do a friend that came to me with his issues while my life had different priorities. But he is not a friend, and to my understanding, our priority right now should be the same...
It is so damn hard to change the beliefs of a lifetime. I dont know all the terms in English but it has become evident to me that I volunteered so much power over me, to him, without him requesting it. Loving was...surrendering. I remember when I started detaching, how surprised I was, the young Maria still existed, bright and fun to be with. Rob (not RTL, my Rob) sent me an email, telling me over the years I had lost my shine and he was glad to see it coming back as he remembered it.
I want to be bright and shiny and true to myself, I want to compromise only to the point I feel comfortable with, not to the point I feel it is necessary to have A (of any kind) relationship with H. It goes against my nature to loose the duty/guilt feelings and stand strong when so much is in stake. But is it really? Right now, all there is in stake is a hope and a dream. Everything else is long lost.
I guess, I went crazy on you guys. I could keep on forever tonight. Anyway, my goal is to stand strong and find the balance between right and effective. It's like constantly "re aligning myself" to not leave my course, affected by his doings or ommisions. K
Last edited by Kalni; 11/02/0909:37 PM. Reason: what else, greeklish!!
<<so what if his job is crazy, what about you Maria?>>
I agree 100%....it's called priorities! When we want something bad enough, we do what is neccesary. So the question is how badly does he want to reconcile....I guess we will find out soon enogh because I have a hunch you will not be able to continue with the new staus quo for too much longer.
If you want to 'go on forever' telling us how you feel, go ahead! You have read pages and pages of my feelings!
I agree, there is always some compromise in a marriage. Call it settling, or not, either way, there is some give and take, some sacrifice. But if it is so much that you stop being Maria, then you are right, that is too much.
You are doing so well, really, with this situation. I am proud of my big sis.
Trust...but VERIFY, and he has to know you are going to check up on him and you have to.
When you are worried about something, you have to tell him.
He wants this, then he should be willing to jump through hoops. But in time, as long as he is trustworthy you are going to have to start removing some of those hoops.
Trust can be rebuilt as long as he wants to and you are willing.
Kalni..mostly repetitive stuff and stuff you already know. You can't just walk back into this and say, "OK..it's all done now, let's get back to being loving couples."
As Jack said, this is HARD WORK and it 'sucks'.
If you've ever watched the old Star Trek, Scottie, the engineer said, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." H MUST be able to do the work to PROVE to you he wants you. You have the right to tell him that you will want to 'verify' things at times. You have the right to tell him that you 'still feel pain.'
I agree with Jack in that, if H proves to you that he wants you and regrets his actions, then, the past becomes the past. Similarly, most people only have two choices that are clear cut: 1)If you don't want to save your M, then file and move on 2) If you choose to stand, than you MUST find a way to detach and move on with your life in the interim
Similarly, Kalni, only YOU know if you can trust your H again. 1) If you can.......................................
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
One of my uncle's died this moring. It was one of my father's brothers (4 of them). We first told him his brother was in ER and then later that his brother died. It's raining and sucks. K
FIB, yes, I will stand and be loving and will keep being alert.
) Because in the end, I want to do the right thing, I want to be supportive, I want to encourage him, to help him with his dreams. As I would do a friend that came to me with his issues while my life had different priorities. But he is not a friend, and to my understanding, our priority right now should be the same...