I don't think I've posted to you before. Have to admit that I don't know your whole sitch, but felt like commenting because the email you posted sounds so similar to things my XW has emailed me.
I think this whole "good friends" thing is just a defense mechanism so that they don't feel guilty; you know, the type of approach that says "I extended a hand of friendship but they didn't respond so it's them who's holding on to the 'dark past,' meanwhile I'm a good person." Amazing how masterful we can become at making ourselves feel better.
I don't know how you feel about it, but it caused me to once again feel bad about myself. I felt like it was a problem in me that I had a hard time being friends. I finally realized, why be friends? We WERE a big part of each others lives and despite that, my X treated me like cr*p. And dropped me without even talking about it. And went on wild justification binges rather than just dealing with the issues face-to-face.
In the end, I realized I wouldn't be friends because my friends don't treat me like that. My friends are there for me and, as much as I thought my XW would be, she wasn't. And if she ever wants to be friends, she has to win my friendship. She hasn't tried very hard.
In other words, I think you have to see yourself as someone who another person needs to work at to have in their lives. Friendship is a thing to be valued and treasured. Otherwise, forget 'em. The point of relationships, any relationship, is that it lifts you out of yourself and into a place of sharing. Who wants that place to be one of criticism?
So, if it were me, and I have had to respond to things like this, I'd probably reply with something like, "I don't hold anything against you and wish you all the best. If you ever would like to have a drink, that'd be nice." and leave it at that. I wouldn't call - leave it up to him. If you DO have drinks, don't even think about talking about R or feelings or anything that matters. He lost his chance to be a part of your life, why share any more? Friendly, but not friendship unless it's earned.
My $.02. lodo
PS - I'm in NorCal too. Strange how efficient the D process is here. We did ours online.
