Gucci and Robx...U 2 got a min. to weigh in???

[ginab1966]

Well look to came over here to check up on me!!! Hello there my straight shootin’ buddy. Sooo good to see you here.

Thanks, as always, for such a great reply to my insanity. You’re words just sooth me for some reason. I don’t know how to do that “quote” thing you all do so I’m just going to use the headings to respond to things:

Retro: We already went last month and it didn’t go well. Well, it went well while we were there. He was holding my hand and very physical and loving towards me. He even cried. I let it all out. I held nothing back and said things that were very scary and hard to say. We had a wonderful ride home and the moment we got to his sisters house to pick up our daughter….I saw him shift. It was visable. The happy, fun person just left and he got quieter and more withdrawn. He ended up deciding not to go to the post sessions and ended dialoging with me after he shared his feeling about our wedding day.

Respect: No, you are right, I don’t respect him. He knows it. I told him that I don’t except him just the way he is and I wrote about it at length in a dialog during Retro. He also doesn’t except me and wrote about it at Retro. We agree that we have to find a way to love each other unconditionally despite our “issues” with each other or the marriage has no chance in surviving. Respect is a big issue for me anyway. Although I am embarrassed to admit it, I judge people pretty harshly. I have this sort of ruler that I measure people to and if you don’t meet it, I have a hard time respecting you. I hold myself to the same ruler though and perhaps this is why I have so much self-loathing. For me it’s very difficult to respect/accept my H’s feelings of leaving this marriage. I know when I WAW, it became increasingly difficult to respect myself and that’s one of the reason’s that I went back. That said, I cannot minimize the effect that my disrespect of him has on him. It’s just so hard to be respectful of someones feelings when they are saying “Gina, I don’t love you, I don’t want to be married to you, you make me unhappy, our marriage makes me unhappy”. It’s so painful to hear and, although I know you don’t agree with this, it’s my opinion much of his unhappiness is not about me or the marriage…it’s internal and deep and childhood related and depression related. This isn’t me trying to fix, diagnose him…this is what we’ve been told my his individual therapist and 2 marriage counselors. Yet, he’s pawning it off on me and believing it’s me and I have a hard time respecting that. I have to get through my thick head that it doesn’t matter what the origin of the sadness/pain is for him…..it is what it is and THAT’s what I have to respect.

Affair: I have done a great deal of soul searching about my A. It was never a PA and only an EA but I know the damage that it did to him. H has told me that I was the one he always thought he could count on to be honest with him and never deal him dirty….and I did….and the pain I feel over that is monumental. Although I may not talk about it a lot on the boards, I am and have dealt with the seriousness of this issue.

Financial: I have taken steps that have separated us as much as possible. Since we have a divorce settlement all drawn up and at the mediator, that’s taken care of. In the meantime, I’ve just taken matters into my own hands and done what needs to be done. Although the mediator made him see how unfair he was being, he didn’t want to pay child support or take any of the debt. She said even though we both created it, it was in my name so end of story. Mediator and I didn’t see it that way at all and the debt is split in the divorce settlement. The thing that really needs to change is my behavior towards/of him in regards to family funds. His paycheck goes directly into an account I have no control over, he gives me his budget money that pays for mortgage and the rest is his to do with what he will. He will not budge on that arrangement. He will not give me more, I will not take less. My paycheck pays for all the rest of the bills, food and savings. That account is in both of our names. This has now changed and only I have access to it. The one thing that I have to do next is to tell him that he has no “choice” in how much he will pay towards mortgage. He will have to give me the whole amount of the mortgage and guarantee it being there with a direct deposit from his pay. I still haven’t found the strength to have that conversation yet. It’s going to be a HUGE argument and when he comes at me I tend to just shut down and roll over. I am feeling very very strong today however and I may try to have that convo tonight or, at least this week.

Living arrangements: We are sleeping in the same bed and have been for over a month. There is another bedroom that one of us can occupy but I’m finding that a hard decision as well because of DD freaking out the last time we were in separate rooms. But lets be real, this is more about me wanting to feel him next to me than my daughter. I am slowly getting there…but not there yet.

Sex: You are right on all accounts. I didn’t have a PA but was tested and I’m clean. He says he doesn’t need to get tested as the PA didn’t go that far. I have decided that there will be no sex and your line is just so wonderful and direct. I haven’t had a chance to use it yet..but you never know.

Marriage & me: This is the most honest I can be about my marriage. I love being a wife. I don’t love being his wife when he’s acting like an *ss. I love being a couple and knowing there is someone “there”. My feelings of marriage are deeply rooted in my co-dependency. I know that I have come sooo far with my own growth in all of this. I was telling someone on the boards that the pain…the really bad pain….has sort of re-built me in a sense. I grow stronger from the moments that I think I cannot breath through. I get through them every time. There’s character in that…there’s growth in that…there’s God’s grace in that. Thanks for telling me I’m doing a good job. I don’t feel like it..not at all. I feel like I’m failing, like I’m coming apart, like I’m weak and unfixable. His rejection of me is like my flesh tearing from my bones. BUT…I have survived and I have grown and I’m not dead…and I’m so infinitely proud of that. Thanks for reminding me.

Time and Tinkerbell: Time does heal and I know it’s true. I have my issues, as you and I know, with just wanting the answer and the ending and the pain to stop. It’s a journey and I have to stop and just be and sit in the pain and let the pain wash over me and heal me instead of wishing it way and trying to outrun it. It doesn’t work and it’s tiring. Victoria loves Tink….I will absolutely get it and watch it with her. It’s a full moon, H is completely shut down and depressed and I can’t think of a better distraction. Thanks so much for the tip!! Actually, thanks for all of it.

I love that you said it's a new month. I am going to try and look at the next 30 days in terms of me and not him. I told my therapist that one of my goals is to not start a session with my husbands name after she says "So, how are you?" H should not even be in the response to that question. I should be...and I haven't quite gotten there.

Peace...Gina B