You got to do what you should / One life

[bright_new_day]

Hmmmmmm....is he gay perhaps?! He knows way too much about hair styling!

[MichelleLT]

Heh.

[mishka422]

Hmmmmmm....is he gay perhaps?! He knows way too much about hair styling!

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Priceless!

Michelle, you said on Julia's thread that you aren't crying over the D decree, but honestly you have been D'd in your heart for a long time, right?

The email is not surprising really. He wanted the last word when he knew that you had basically written him off for good. Hmmmm.....too little too late buddy.

Glad you aren't letting this get you down Michelle!

[kat727]

Hope you are ok. I didn't receive official notification right away but then again I never was served either! The way I knew I was divorced was that I got my child support payment via the state. I cried for maybe 10 minutes.

Your life is going to be so much better. Some people can be friends with their exes but I am not sure if it isn't usually better to close that chapter of your life.

kat

[lodo]

Hey Michelle,

I don't think I've posted to you before. Have to admit that I don't know your whole sitch, but felt like commenting because the email you posted sounds so similar to things my XW has emailed me.

I think this whole "good friends" thing is just a defense mechanism so that they don't feel guilty; you know, the type of approach that says "I extended a hand of friendship but they didn't respond so it's them who's holding on to the 'dark past,' meanwhile I'm a good person." Amazing how masterful we can become at making ourselves feel better.

I don't know how you feel about it, but it caused me to once again feel bad about myself. I felt like it was a problem in me that I had a hard time being friends. I finally realized, why be friends? We WERE a big part of each others lives and despite that, my X treated me like cr*p. And dropped me without even talking about it. And went on wild justification binges rather than just dealing with the issues face-to-face.

In the end, I realized I wouldn't be friends because my friends don't treat me like that. My friends are there for me and, as much as I thought my XW would be, she wasn't. And if she ever wants to be friends, she has to win my friendship. She hasn't tried very hard.

In other words, I think you have to see yourself as someone who another person needs to work at to have in their lives. Friendship is a thing to be valued and treasured. Otherwise, forget 'em. The point of relationships, any relationship, is that it lifts you out of yourself and into a place of sharing. Who wants that place to be one of criticism?

So, if it were me, and I have had to respond to things like this, I'd probably reply with something like, "I don't hold anything against you and wish you all the best. If you ever would like to have a drink, that'd be nice." and leave it at that. I wouldn't call - leave it up to him. If you DO have drinks, don't even think about talking about R or feelings or anything that matters. He lost his chance to be a part of your life, why share any more? Friendly, but not friendship unless it's earned.

My $.02. lodo

PS - I'm in NorCal too. Strange how efficient the D process is here. We did ours online.

[Kalni]

SO, now you have the papers that say that the rest of your life has officially started.

Dont want to come across as insensitive, you know how much I care about you sweets. That's exactly why I will pour a Jack tonight and toast on your bright bright future smiling and sending warm fuzzy thoughts your way!!!

You always amaze me with your maturity and strength combined with emotional inteligence and down to earth approach on things. You are a very fine woman and you are...only 27 damn it!!!!! (cant get over that one, I AM trying...)

Love always
M

[MichelleLT]

Sorry my dear Maria. There's nothing I can do about that part, except lie about my age lol.

As for the other comments, they are VERY insightful. You are right! It is his guilt talking.

I will respond at some point. I just don't know how.

There are a lot of things bouncing around in my head: I can forgive, but never will I forget. Friendship, just as much as a R, is built on trust and respect, and I have neither for him. He's already had several chances, I have moved on.

[Virtually_Handsome]

If I remember things right there's a lot of revisionist history in that letter. But, if that's what he needs to do to make himself feel better, I guess it's his business. It's got to be hard on him to realize that a huge part of the responsibility for this falls on his shoulders, and he is, probably subconsciously, trying to deflect some of that.

If nothing else, it sounds like he is a lot closer to owning up to things than he has been, and he is seeing what he has lost. On the other hand, he still tries to blame you for not letting him speak his mind.... but then he does it anyway, so clearly you were not stopping it!

((((((((Michelle)))))))

[john210]

<<if you ever need help I'll still be here>>

Michelle, I have had similar e-mails and more....not sure if it is guilt or the realization that they just plain screwed up. I choose not to respond, not to get reinvolved in the emotional turmoil. We do not really have access to what really goes on in their minds but i have to believe that they must have days when they do not like what they see when they look in the mirror. My answer is to continue to be true to myself and treat the ex like I would a friend...if for nothing else my daughter's sake. I guess I chose to take the high road and continue to do so....but i am not ready to be "friends" in the proper sense of the word. I am not going out for drinks or lunch anytime soon...
Hope some of this helps a little.

[MichelleLT]

Well, the last time I communicated with him, I told him I didn't want to talk to him unless it was necessary (meaning the D, finances, tax refund).

And yeah, he definitely decided to contact me anyways.

And yeah, from my recollection there's some revisionist history in there too, but maybe he really sees it that way? I don't know. Guess it doesn't matter.

I told him almost 2 years ago, in response to him telling me that D wasn't final and we could always date, that once the D was done there was no chance of that. The D finalizing was a total deal breaker for me. And I meant it.

I can't imagine getting remarried, to anyone, let alone XH.