Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

@JTJ: Thanks for going back and reposting that. Reading it again makes me realize how little has changed in my sitch. I know I have learned a lot, and grown a lot, and am still doing both. I am also pretty sure that the EA (Which I didn't realize the extent of at the time of my first post) is gone. But other than that, much of what I said in that first post I would still say now.

@Looking_for_help: Is this what I want? I got bludgeoned by a C with this very question last week.

Is this what I want? No. What I want is to have my w do a 180, commit to the marriage, and agree to look within herself and work on the m. Better yet, how about if she...

But...is that a realistic possibility? 11 months says no.

So I have to accept that I am already D'd. At a minimum, I have been emotionally and psychologically divorced by my w for some time. This, combined with our living situation (same house, same bed) leads to a situation that is emotionally painful for me, and which is leading nowhere but to a future legal divorce.

So, constricting my choices to the realm of realistic possibilities, I see only 2:

Option 1: Continue to live in the status quot for as long as possible, enduring and hoping that things will change. I think this is a cheeseless tunnel.

Option 2: Move ahead and push for a D myself. Yes, this may in itself hold the possibility of a positive change and reconciliation, but I can't do it for that reason. I have to embrace the likelihood that this will result in my being D'd. I can handle it, and it will result in a healthier me.

I choose option 2.

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Journaling a bit:

On Thursday, I told my W I wanted a D. It was a calm, quiet discussion. I told her that I had finally heard her, and finally understood what she had been saying when she said she saw no chance of her ever loving me again. I said that I understood, but that it was not healthy for me to remain in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. She started to protest this, but quickly agreed when I told her what I would expect: someone who was committed to and willing to work on the M, someone who wanted to share her feelings with me, someone who wanted to wanted to snuggle and hold hands and wanted to have sex with me, someone could tell me that she loved me.

Her response was quiet and sad. She doesn't want to proceed quickly. She doesn't want to tell the kids until at least after Xmas. She doesn't want to tell her mom ever - her mom is dying of cancer. She doesn't want to tell her family or mine yet. She's not in a hurry to proceed.

I told her that I wanted to proceed with a mediator and that I would begin pulling together the financial information. I also asked her to move out of the master bedroom, and told her I would convert my office back into a guest bedroom that she could make her own.

Since then, we have been staying a bit separate - just sort of doing our own things. She has been a bit more proactively attentive to me. I need to decide what my boundaries there are. If she asks for attention (hugs, etc) am I willing to go there (knowing that it sends me for a spin) without some sort of commitment from her? If now, how do I tell her?

Yesterday I cleaned out my office (I am now no longer working from home) - packed up my books, took down my pictures, packed away my files, etc. It's now hers to use. She saw what I was doing, commented on how bare the room now looked, and hung a few new pictures. I suggested that she could move in now but she wants to wait a week and make a decision then.

I am now on a business trip, and will be away and dark (with the exception of calls to the kids) until next weekend. I need the space as well. It'll be good to have some time alone to think a bit.

As I left left this morning, she met me at the door, hugged me and said "we'll talk when you get back". I broke off the hug first, smiled, and waved goodbye. As I walked to the car she waved and called "Call me later!"