I'm new wondering if this works...

[BigJohn]

Well we aren't going to therapy. Back to darkness.

H freaked out about the "legal ramifications" of going to MC with me before a sep agreement is signed, and I didnt' want to deal with his craziness. I told him I wanted to cancel.

I took control of the situation. I realize now it's all a ploy anyhow to rearrange the situation with our son. H wants to have him at his apt. I think and he knows I won't go for it. It's going to be a tough discussion which is why I originally thought MC was a good place for it.

Hope,

While it is true that both the C and the C's notes can be subpoenaed, my understanding is that happens in only the most extreme cases. If your H is so concerned about "legal ramifications" then he simply needs to be careful about what he says in therapy. In fact, the whole "legal ramifications" argument is a bunch of baloney- it's a cop out. It seems to me that if anything, the SMART thing for your H to do would be to embrace MC at this point, especially after admitting to taking drugs at the party. Taking drugs at the party shows a lack of stability and poor judgment on his part- issues that can and will have a bearing on his shared custody of your S. If the MC is part of your H's ploy to gain some sort of "advantage" in gaining custody of your S, I'd say it isn't very well thought out to say the least. In fact, I think the whole drug use episode is really a cry for help.

I think the fact that you are asserting yourself to take control of the situation is great and is demonstrative of the personal growth you have experienced these past few months. But I think you are missing out on capitalizing on a potential pivotal moment by excusing your H from attending MC. It really does not matter what you think or know your H's agenda is going into MC. It is irrelevant. I suspect that you may be assuming that the conversation with the C is going to go in a certain direction based upon someone's agenda. It is not. Same thing applies with regards to how you think H is going to react while in MC (nervous and/or controlling)- these are going to be very short lived issues in the MC sessions. As far as your H not wanting to talk much- that is fine too since he will benefit from just listening to your interaction with the MC and the feedback the MC has to offer. I suspect that it won't take long for your H to "open up" in MC either.

Now it's up to him to continue to make nice and have a civil conversation with me if he wants to negotiate with me.

What I'm wondering today is - all the niceness I saw the last week and a half - was this a result of my good DBing - my not calling him, getting off the phone first, having a back up plan to leave as soon as he gets angry - not pursuing etc.

Or, was it all a ploy on his part to butter me up so he could get something he wants from me?

From your description, it sounds like your H is making an honest effort. What he has demonstrated this past week and a half may be all your H is capable of right now. Be the bigger person, be charitable and give him the benefit of the doubt.

I must not be doing DB right. I'm not seeing results as much as I thought. I read SP's great post and sure, I'm stopping a D, but I don't really see any point when there's no M? Any advice?

I think you are doing better than you think! As far as my advice goes, it remain the same: Get your H to MC no matter what. Let him continue to think he is the brainiac in control of the sitch, it's all part of his master plan. Whatever. Let him think he is going to control the conversation in MC and be able to say whatever he wants. (The C may very well indulge him for awhile too, but don't worry about that.) If he needs a push in the right direction, point out that the drug use at the party was a lapse in judgment and that by attending MC he'll be demonstrating that he is "on top of things" and addressing the issue.

Once in MC, you need to be patient. Let the C do their job and draw your H into the conversation- allow him to open up. This may come during the first session or it could be the third or fourth session. Just treat these first few sessions as your H's own personal C sessions disguised as MC sessions. Once in MC, I can give you more ideas/suggestions to consider.

I think that MC is the best thing you can do for yourself and especially your H right now. Good Luck!