Well W and I are cooking tonight and it is just so strange. It's like we have a whole zoo of 800 pound animals in the room that no one is talking about (the A, whether she is moving out, etc.). She has said a few things this weekend that make it seem like she has plans to stay but still I am stuck in the doldrums of limboland with no idea of what my immediate future holds for me.
Started reading one of SmileyPerson's threads today and that got me thinking that while I definitely have a lot of responsibilty for where me and W are right now, I am not the only guilty party and really started to see that maybe I became a WAH who just never left the R. Like SP, my W reached a point in the past couple of years where she became completely uninterested in anything to do with my life, my interests, my job, my dreams - anything. I can remember feeling a feeling of alienation that added to my depression due to my despising my job and my neurotic boss.
In looking back over the past two years, it is pretty clear that we had started leading parallel lives. Why was that so hard to see? Why do humans allow hurt and resentment to poison their happiness yet say nothing about it to the people they love most. My W and I are both guilty of this and I see this now. I hope we can recover the lost love and rebuild trust so that we can begin living the happy life we used to have. Sandi wad dead-on about one thing and that is that I am terrified of losing my wife
Slowly getting back to answering some questions from previous posts:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I could leave her on an emotional level if she were to stay here and continue A.
Can you explain that to me?
I guess I was thinking just a sort of emotional detachment. There with her being happy and fun and not sad, mopey, depressed. Continuing to GAL w/o following her around the house trying to get a feel for where her mind is today.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Instead of you looking passive, it would cause you to take on a point of action in your life. You are taking control.....and I think she needs to see that. What I see in your posts is a man who is waiting around for his WW to decide which man she wants........and that is pathetic. Are you going to sit and wait until she is finished with her A--and then be available in case she might want you? That is not attractive!
I have been increasingly taking action on things in my life that have pushed her away. I think the biggest thing that I have done so far that she can see is to get into therapy for the depression and beginning to read books such as learned optimism to begin changing my outlook in life. Between this and the posts/advice from this forum, I feel that I have been able to be much happier around her and hopefully this makes it much easier for her to see that I might be someone she may want to come back to. I have definitely gone cold turkey on the mopey, crying, I'm lost without you approach and I think that has helped immensely. I also have been keeping conversations focused on her and just trying to learn to listen without turning the conversation back to me and my needs (something I am bad about). I know that I need to make these changes for myself and I think I will eventually get to the point where I am making them primarily for me.
I have some other things in my life that I have to get busy on improving (I have so many!) and I think that I am going to initiate work on a couple of additional changes this week. Been making excuses on these for way too long and I think action on these would speak volumes to her and improve my life significantly.
You are right, in many ways, I still am waiting to see what happens but I feel like that is all I can do right now. Maybe the twist is that while waiting, I need to start ramping up the efforts on improvement which will help me gain the confidence that I need to better deal with this sitch as it continues to unfold.
Similar to the "smile and wave" approach that I hear so much about on these forums - sort of an acknowledgment that I know whats going on without any risk of counterproductive confrontation.
But seriously, I am finding that trying to figure out how to confront is causing me to ruminate too much and there are way too many things about me that I need to start focusing on. I am just finding it hard to break out of focusing completely on W right now but I have to find some way to do it.
Well, W and I had a generally good weekend with no R talk at all. W did some things this weekend that make it seem like she is planning to stay - at least for now. She signed us up for a Netflix account and ordered some home decor for our house. Not sure what to make of this yet. My W and I are the type that when we have a problem or an argument, the next day, we just let it go away and resume life as usual. Not that I think A is over by a long shot, I think even if my W ended A today, she would move forward and never mention it again. She does not like to discuss tough issues at all.
I have to think that if she is deciding to stay for now, maybe it is because the A is not so secret now. Also, somehow, I have not turned into an amorphous pile of goo either (although I was getting sticky and gooey there for a while!).
Have no idea where I go from this point except to really start trying to make some serious changes and continue my therapy. I know that we need to get a lot of stuff out in the open and worked out if our R is to improve but I am hesitant to discuss anything about R right the moment.
Any suggestions are most welcome. I know I see a lot on this forum that it is a good thing if the wayward is at home so they can see the changes but I don't want to encourage cake eating in any way.
In looking at posts by others, I see a lot of strong folks who were able to make progress quickly and a lot of people who seem paralyzed and are just continually reacting to WAS's actions de jour. I definitely fall in the latter category. How did the succesful people get out of thus stick in the mud state and how long should this take. I am three months in and I feel like I have plugged the hole in the boat for the time being but can't bring myself to row to shore or bail the boat out, etc.
How did the succesful people get out of thus stick in the mud state and how long should this take. I am three months in and I feel like I have plugged the hole in the boat for the time being but can't bring myself to row to shore or bail the boat out, etc.
That's where "Fake it till you make it" and "Act As If" come into play. You have to suck it up and give our spouse your best foot forward, every chance you can. If you come across as happy and lively, it makes a change from what their internal script says should be happening (whining, clingy, depressed).
Getting a life and doing 180's are what you do for yourself to keep your mind off of your spouse. They keep you positive (which hopefully makes it less necessary to FITYMI).
The rest of it depends on your and your spouse.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I see a lot of strong folks who were able to make progress quickly and a lot of people who seem paralyzed and are just continually reacting to WAS's actions de jour.
It's a choice. Decide (once you do this your thoughts change) then take action. My mantra became "I can handle it." Choose to be strong. It's your journey, choose your path wisely.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
