WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

I sent her a text tonight that read,


I want to take care of my family. I dont
want the marriage that we had. I want a new
understanding, a new beginning.


This might be seen as pursuing but I tried it. I am at hail mary time.

[K4D]

Don't expect anything from it, but pray for the best.

Also, I was not suggesting you break off communication with her or make enemies with her. You do have kids with her just like I do. I have let my W know many times I am willing and want to reconcile with her. I just also let her know that OM is not welcomed in anything. She knows the offer is there, but it does not include OM. It is the boundaries I have set and she knows it.

Kevin

[v1olin]

I dont expect anything from the text. I want to know that I tried everything. The OM in my sitch moved to Italy with his wife and kids. I am also certain that they never had sex. Just a very strong EA. My wife still does not think that she loves me(obvious) but she seems to enjoy my sense of humor, fathering skills, and my stunning good looks Just two nights ago I came up with my daughters consequence for forgetting her homework and my wife loved the idea. She seemed almost like, "why didn't I think of that?" But part of the WAW fantasy is that we will be great CO-PARENTS but not husband and wife.

[v1olin]

So, what would some of my boundries look like? Without bringing up the OM that is.

[K4D]

Once the D goes through, I don't know that there is a whole lot you can say about keeping OM away from the kids. But your W already knows the offer to reconcile is there. If you need the child support, you probably go after it. I don't need it, but it would be nice. It depends on your individual circumstances.

I don't really know what to tell you about boundaries in your case at this point. Just keep being a great dad and find a way to become the better option over time. Leave the offer to reconcile out there and work on you. I can enforce my boundaries only because we are still married and the courts will back it up. But if our M status changes, then I don't know that I still have those boundaries to enforce.

Pray.

Kevin

[v1olin]

My wife saw some "reality" yesterday during our mediation. I have been telling her what I would be asking for from day one - joint custody including child support. So, the mediation lasted 4 hours and the only thing that got settled was an agreement on some of our property(a Wii , a twin bed and half of her 401k.) The custody, child support, and what to do with the house will be decided by a judge. Our court date is in January.

I went to the house last night with the kids like I have been for 5 months now and she was clearly in defense mode. She did not make eye contact, did not talk to me etc. etc. The she calls me today and says that when I drop the kids off after school I need to leave from now on. Now I get the feeling like Kimmie was right and she was playing nice for the last few weeks to get her way. Does she really think she has me wrapped around her finger like that??


So I am going to go talk to her tonight and give her nothing but compassion. I am going to cut her loose, set her free.

[v1olin]

"become the dumper" ~ Gucci



I think I accomplished this the other night. And she was angry!

[v1olin]

I dont have much timebut I wanted to give a run down of what our talk was about.


There was some tension between us after the mediation and then the day after she called to tell me that I could not stay around the house later than 6pm on weekdays. This sparked something in me that had to be released.



So I called her and told her that I needed to come talk to her. I started the convo by asking her what about the mediation made her feel angry/defensive. Her answer was that she had made up her mind and she needed to have boundries and that we did nice things together with the kids because she wants divorce to be as normal as possible for them. This was a telling answer to me... she was sensing SOMETHING between us but she just cannot let it become reconciliation.


It took all the strength that I had but I let her go %100. I told her that I felt something the night that we went to the fall festival but that I could not keep trying for her anymore. I told her that I went on a date that night, I told her that I did not want to be married to her anymore. I told her that she is not the person that I married. I then told her that I knew all bout what she had been up to all summer with the married EA friend. Guess what? SHE LIED ~ no suprise at all but it was quite amazing that she would still lie even though it was obvious that I did know everything. Then she got mad and wanted to make me the bad guy for snooping but I reassured her that it did not matter- I was done. Then a while later she threw out in anger, "SO!! You went on a date!" I told her that I decided to date after months of wanting our marriage to work but at this point I do not want to get back together with a woman that lies to me.


In the coming weeks I will probably need some advice about my wife possibly lashing out in anger by taking my kid time away, keeping me away from the house, etc.

[Steve McQueen]

I dont know if that was "dumping her" as much as it was instigating anger in her. Everytime I have ever been dumped it was pretty much like pulling teeth just to get a response as to why 'she' was not talking to me any longer and then the response I remember was always 'oh, I gotta run, talk to you later," and that never happened.

So, yes, you are mad, maybe want to get even, sick of limbo and want to get your marriage reconcilled or maybe move on without her. I still dont see it as being that great of a move to brag or lash out that you went on a date. It appears as just that, bragging, lashing out, revenge. A hurtful attempt that can be brushed off as petty. The greater sense of loss and jealousy comes when you walk-away without a sound. When they harbor the questions in their head, why dont they talk to me? Is he/she seeing someone else? I think the are. Are they having sex? They must be. It eats away at a person. It is all they begin think about and want. It ate away at you. Why? Because you are human.

It is also then that you will experience the greatest level of freedom and detachment. You no longer have the consideration, this may work as Gucci says to save my marriage. It becomes all about you. When you no longer care to do what works you have nothing to left to say. "When the well runs dry there is nothing left to say." Enjoy interacting for you. So what if you are sneaking and hiding something from your spouse. Once you start paying lawyers to divy up stupid toys, 100 dollar beds, linens, towel sets and pots and pans, playing nice in the sand box just isnt happening any more.

Not so much as advice then what I have realized through personal experience is now that the cat is out of the bag, so to say, is to continue 'interacting' for you. Do not to flaunt it; dont talk about it. If it comes up always admit to one level less than what is actually happening. "We are just friends." I love that saying almost as much as "You are right, this isnt working."
In fact why talk about anything anymore. Be mysterious and your own man. I dont know if you are truely using this as a LRT to get your wife to reconcile or if you are looking to find yourself a girlfriend. But have you ever noticed that the guy with all the girls is the one who can still attract more girls.
Time to be a stud.

Oh, and I would think that if your wife lashes out in anger and uses the children as pawns, she has issues, I would immediately bag on the Mediation and hire an attorney of my own, one that has a high success rate in acquiring equal custody for men and pursue a custody agreement immediately.

[v1olin]

Steve, I have been mysterious for months and she did notice. She said that she has never seen me get so many phone calls and that she was happy for me. At this point nothing I have done has worked. I wanted to get this off my chest for me not for getting her back. I also wanted to do it for her-it must suck to lie continualy and not be able to tell the truth. I do have a lawyer and there was one and only one mediation last week. The date I went on was a double date but she does not need to know that. I did not yell or call names during our 2 hour talk and I did not do it out of hate. I am moving forward from now on.