Nice work, btw, AFG. Ladies and gentlemen, THAT, is how it's done!!
I gotta say, that outfit and attitude would probably have a lot of men chasing your kitty.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I left my bedroom door wide open and had dance music playing on tv while in my bathroom with door open putting my makeup on. I had a tight charcoal grey mini-skirt on with a form fitting hot pink top and hot pink platform heel sling-backs (super cute, fun, hot, sexy)! I was almost done putting my makeup on, when H comes strolling into my bathroom and whistles at me. (Notice that H has not taken his shower yet and is still in work pants and shirtless. Hmmm.) H asks "where are you going?" I just replied with a sly "I don't know, not sure yet." H repeats with questioning "You don't know?" with a tone like that I had given him that answer because I didn't want to tell him where I was going/who I was going with. I was in the process of applying some eyelashes as well and H says "Wow, you're even putting eyelashes on? Let me see." H comes very close proximity and looks at me directly at my eyes then says "And you're tall too." (That is something that H used to say to me when I would have high heels on and he would think that I looked really good/sexy.) Then he looked at me with that look in his eye, almost like he was holding himself back from giving me a hug or saying something more. So I just quickly kept getting myself ready and H stayed in the bathroom talking to me and alternating between watching me while I was getting ready and picking his face in the mirror (I know, yuck, but it's what he was doing, old comfortable habits I suppose). Really felt like an old times moment again of us getting ready to go somewhere together. H left before I finished my hair.
Good job! Tease his with all that you have! Be the best option, the most interesting and mysterious, but don't give it to him! Make him chase YOU......
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I left Saturday evening and went to stay with friends for the night. Got home yesterday afternoon and had a quiet evening at home alone. Napped, watched a movie, made a cake for a friend, cooked & cleaned a little. Last night more than most now, I was missing H. Missing our old life together, missing snuggling together on the couch or in bed. Feel like I am so depleted and devoid of physical affection and touch right now and am longing for it desperately.
H didn't come home this morning but came home a little while ago for a much earlier lunch than usual. H came right into my room (my door was wide open) and I was on my computer doing job searching. H then proceeds to lay down on my bed and just watching me while I was working. Asked me how my weekend was, I replied "good". Asked me how my job searching was going and I said "it's going, just getting as much as I can out there." While he asked me this stuff I just kept my eyes on what I was doing, not being rude or unfriendly just looking concentrated and busy. Then just laid there for a few minutes without saying anything and then got up and left and went into the office with his food to eat.
Over the weekend when I was at my friends place (a married couple) they have two cute cats that I took pictures of on my phone. So I decided to go in and show H the two pics, seeing as how many pics he bombarded me the other week of his Bro's kitten.
H on computer as I was walking up "What's up?" AFG - handing cell phone to him with pic of 1st cat "Here, look." H - "Oh wow, who's that?" AFG - "That's Tiger." H - "Wow, he's pretty. Who's cat is that?" AFG - Taking phone back to open next picture, "A friend's." Gave H phone with next cat pic. "And this is Zorro." H - "Awww. He's cute too." AFG - walks away. H gets up and starts talking to me, I turn around and stand and listen as he tells me about a cat at one of his friend's houses over the weekend. Told me it was a guys house and told me the guys name. Just responded with smiling and then when back to my computer when he was finished.
I had a pizza in the oven for my lunch. H was in bathroom when I went to kitchen to take out of oven and slice up. H comes out of bathroom and into kitchen as I was standing at kitchen sink to wash the pizza cutter. Looks at me and says with sh**-eating grin "You're funny." Then taps me on side of my butt and says "move" as he was trying to put something into recycle can under the sink counter. I move and say "Why am I funny?" H - "Because you are just funny. A "friend" huh?" AFG - acting aloof, "What do you mean?, Oh because I said "a friend"?" H - smiling, laughing "Yeah, like it's a big deal to say who it was." AFG - "I didn't mean for it to be a big deal. It's some friends of mine that you don't know." H - now sitting at bar in kitchen while I am starting to slice pizza, pauses for a minute "So is it a girl friend or a guy friend?" AFG - looks at H with smirky smile "Why would that matter?" H - "Because it does and I'm curious now." AFG - "A guy. (which was stretching the truth, I don't want to lie or make anything up at all, but it is was a guy's house and his wife has lived there with him for the last year.) H - "Where at? In (city) or (other city)?" AFG - "I really don't see what difference it makes. You have your own world and friends and life and I have my own world and friends and life. And I guess I would just rather prefer to keep it to that and not discuss stuff like this with you." H - "You mean keep things separate?" I didn't respond. H pauses "It's your call." then says "It doesn't have to be that way." (implying that we can talk about our separate lives and who they include in them, is the meaning I took from that comment.) H - "So is this just a guy friend or a potential someone?" AFG - "You really just aren't listening to me are you? H - laughing "No, I heard you, but I'm choosing to ignore you because I want to ask what I want to ask." AFG - smiles, picks up plate of pizza, looks directly at H and starts to walk out of kitchen "And I can choose not to answer your questions. There's pizza on the stove if you want some." H - responds after I walk past him "Thank you, but I already ate." I go back to my room and H leaves to go back to work.
Hmmmm.
I'm afraid that H is trying to find out if I have a "someone" or maybe even wanting me to have a "someone" so a) he can try and start talking to me about OW and/or b) so he doesn't feel guilty about OW. Just some fears/thoughts.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Got a text from H around 4:00 yesterday afternoon "Workout tonight?" Waited a while and texted back "Yah, was going to go after dinner". H texted back almost immediately "Ok".
Had dinner made when H got home. H again in a little closer proximity than usual. He chatted a little but not like his usual ramblings, was more quiet. I had noticed earlier in the day when H was home for lunch when his keys were on the bar counter that there was a different key fob again. Figured he had a different car again when I saw it. Sure enough H says to me "By the way I have a different car with me, just so you don't freak out this time." AFG - "I didn't think I freaked out but ok." H - "Yes, you freaked out." AFG - "If that's what you consider freaking out then ok." H ate his dinner in living room and I ate right nearby at dining room table.
Got myself ready to go to gym. Went to kitchen and H was about ready to go as well. H asks me "Do you want to drive by yourself or do you want to ride with me?" AFG - "I'll just drive myself." H - "Ok, I guess I'll just meet you there then." I left before him and had to see the other car parked in the driveway. It was a different car than the other week. But again, a female's car - a big pink playboy bunny sticker in middle of back window (AFG thinks as sarcastically as possible Oh Yeah!).
During workout at gym, really didn't see H much until we were on one set of machines near each other. As I was sitting on one machine H walks by me and kinda pinched my butt. I think I was so shocked my first thoughts were "did that really just happen?". I didn't say a word about it and played it off like it didn't happen. H then just told me a little more about his Bro and funny stuff from his weekend. Finished working out and I left gym before H.
At home, I was in my room with door closed when he got home. Then I get a forwarded picture text from H of a funny pic of his Bro. I was going to reply back but ended up not responding. Little while later, H knocked on door to ask me for some bathroom cleaning supplies. I stayed in my room for rest of evening.
Strangest thing early this morning around 5:00 am - I woke straight out of a dream to what I thought was a knock on my door. I was probably just dreaming though because I waited a few minutes to see if there was another knock and I called out "Yeah" and no one responded. At about 5:30 though I heard H in his bathroom getting ready to leave for early morning gym. So, who knows?
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
...I was missing H. Missing our old life together....
It is OK to morn the loss of the old relationship. Just do this while H is not around. It is important to feel the feelings. Both tears and laughing help a lot.
Quote:
Feel like I am so depleted and devoid of physical affection and touch right now and am longing for it desperately.
Here are ways I handle(d) this: Full body massages are a great way to get touch needs met and are also relaxing. Pedicures also feel great. Having the hair stylist wash my hair feels nice. My kids are good at snuggling. Any friends have kids that would sit on your lap and watch a movie?
Quote:
I move and say "Why am I funny?" H - "Because you are just funny. A "friend" huh?" AFG - acting aloof, "What do you mean?, Oh because I said "a friend"?" H - smiling, laughing "Yeah, like it's a big deal to say who it was." AFG - "I didn't mean for it to be a big deal. It's some friends of mine that you don't know." H - now sitting at bar in kitchen while I am starting to slice pizza, pauses for a minute "So is it a girl friend or a guy friend?" AFG - looks at H with smirky smile
I would have ended this discussion at this point without any more words. Let his mind wander....Just food for thought if similar discussions happen in future.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Tuesday was pretty non-eventful. Just saw H for a little bit in the evening at home. H was in his room for a while on phone and then on computer while I was in living room watching a movie. H came into living room towards tail end of movie and stayed and watched. After movie was done I handed H the tv remote and went to bed.
Wednesday - When H came home from lunch, called me into office to show me a funny video clip on computer. Later in evening when H came home from work, I was in my bedroom with door closed getting dressed. Heard him leave quickly (he had already told me the day before that he had a hair appt). H came back afterwards and I saw him briefly in kitchen during which I got an eye-look of being checked out (I was dressed with a look like I might have plans, but didn't yet at that point). Then my phone rang which H heard. Took call in my room with door closed. Low and behold, I had a last minute invite to go to a concert. Quick grabbed my things and out the door I went. Had to pass H in the kitchen and just said a friendly "c-ya" as I left.
H still has that other car which I've become good at just blocking out. And when I got home at 2 am. H was still home and in bed.
I've really been doing some whole-hearted soul searching recently this past week. As much as I have tried to resolve the past as being the past, I decided to let my mind take me on a mental trip through all my time with H. This was in an effort to really take a look at all the major grievances and disruptive episodes in our history that have taken place and their relation as to the trust issues that I have always had with H. Looking back, it's really no wonder as to why the trust hasn't been there. It began when we were dating all the way up until this point. It forced me to take a hard look at the reality of H, this person who has continued to cause so much damage and hurt, and the chances of H ever coming to a determination to REALLY work on his core issues that have kept him in these patterns and cycles. Without that happening, there is no hope of a healthy R between us at all, just as in the past. History would be certain to repeat itself again.
With this perception, I think it's my only option at this point to go ahead and pursue the filing of the D. If I were to leave it up to H, even when I move out of the house, I'm certain that H would just drag things out and continue forever in his fantasy land. And even if H were to change course and want to try to reconcile, it's not just the simplicity of us not getting along, or communication, or trust broken from an affair. Our entire R has been shaped and formed from H in active sex addiction and me in active codependency.
Maybe from this DBing process I feel like for the first time in my life I am getting sober from my drug of choice, H. It is the strangest sensation, one I haven't experienced before. It is liberating and scaring me sh**-less both at the same time. I feel like I have been in a detox process these last few months and am coming out from the haze on the other side of it. If H were to come back into the picture at this point and I were to consider or re-enter a new R with him, I think it would be like picking up my drug all over again. I've come to realize that for a new R to even be a consideration it would take H to one, acknowledge that all of this mayhem is still stemming from his addiction (mixed with a MLC), two, take active steps to get himself help, and three, continue to work on himself and make changes and progress - To sum up, I would need to see a long-time/term pattern of action, not just words, promises, or short-lengthed attempts. And for me at this point, H would need to do this completely on his own, outside of any R with me.
We've been down the path of trying to keep our R while H gets counseling and me in IC as well for my issues. While I still see some evidence of positive growth and change in certain areas of our lives that seemed to stick and could have been a force for good and continued progress, we both backslid into old hurtful patterns and habits, leading us to where we are today.
I am in a new place, doing the hard work for me and changing for myself where I need to. Acknowledging the mistakes of my past, learning how not to repeat them, understanding what my portion was and how it contributed to the demise of my R, and accepting that my old R with H is dead and gone forever. Amazingly enough, I am feeling a sense of relief and like a very heavy weight that I have been carrying throughout all these years has been lifted.
So, with all that - I found the D paperwork through our county clerks website. All I have to do is print it and give to H with a comment of "There's some more paperwork that we need to finish up."
(Deep breath and big sigh) I think I'm ready...
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
I'm on the fly, but you do sound at peace with this.
Look at it this way: no one's asking you to sign some non-reversible contract. So you divorce (or separate), and maybe -- when those conditions are met that you outline -- you date each other again, this time on a much healthier basis?
That's exactly what me and the fetching Mrs. Puppy did, and it's like NIGHT AND DAY, the difference. It wasn't until we were both truly ready to lose our OLD marriage, that we ever began to find our NEW one.
