Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Hiya. Been doing a lot of soul searching, thinking about my life and my place in this world without my M. I am a smart, talented, generous, loving human being and will be with or without my H.

Odd thing is, as much as I don't want to go through a D, mostly because I've never been a believer in D AND because I do still love my H, my only real concern at this point is about my boys. We have been living life as usual: homework, school, riding bikes, watching movies, oldest S b-day- just turned 9 a couple days ago. We did our usual as a family- dinner at restaurant of son's choice, then to ToysRUs to pick out a new bike. Wanted to get one that fit his longer legs, so decided to let him try it out instead of giving him one that might not be the right size. Anyhoo, a good day. We were supposed to go to MIL this weekend, but H and S6 both have colds, so didn't want to carry those to the family 3 hours away from here. Lots of rain today, so quiet day at home playing games and making cookies, etc.

I have been reading up on many of your sitches while I was MIA, I have just felt so numb in my own sitch. Honestly, though I love my H, I would probably leave if it weren't for the kids. I feel drained of all my energy and just want to feel alive again. Yes, I do believe am cycling through a bout of depression at the moment.

[Gardener]

Odd thing is, as much as I don't want to go through a D, mostly because I've never been a believer in D AND because I do still love my H, my only real concern at this point is about my boys. We have been living life as usual: homework, school, riding bikes, watching movies, oldest S b-day- just turned 9 a couple days ago. We did our usual as a family- dinner at restaurant of son's choice, then to ToysRUs to pick out a new bike. Wanted to get one that fit his longer legs, so decided to let him try it out instead of giving him one that might not be the right size. Anyhoo, a good day. We were supposed to go to MIL this weekend, but H and S6 both have colds, so didn't want to carry those to the family 3 hours away from here. Lots of rain today, so quiet day at home playing games and making cookies, etc.

I have been reading up on many of your sitches while I was MIA, I have just felt so numb in my own sitch. Honestly, though I love my H, I would probably leave if it weren't for the kids. I feel drained of all my energy and just want to feel alive again. Yes, I do believe am cycling through a bout of depression at the moment.

Well, you're obviously keeping quite active, focused and engaged despite the "bout". Good for you.

[stardust]

Hi Brownidmom,
I read through some of your posts after you had responded to my newcomer post. Thanks for your input. I have a lot of trust issues with my W and our MC said something that rang true and may apply to your situation....untrustworthy behavior cracks the foundation of a marriage, but mistrust can be equally damaging (as you are living in your R). I also experienced physical and emotional abandonment as a child and those experiences has made my responses to my W's untrustworthy behavior (e.g., regular text, calls, and emails to ex boyfriends with whom she maintained friendships) highly exaggerated. In your H's case, this appears to be a major blind spot for him (it was for me) as it is not reasonable for him to continue to punish you for things that happened so long ago and before you had a committed relationship. It sounds like you have been open and transparent with him, given him reassurances, etc. and that he is still jealous without cause. His responses are destroying your R and until he sees that and does the work necessary to trust you again, it will be hard for you both to repair the R. Somehow he is making you responsible for his mistrust, and that is not fair. It may help for you to try to hold some compassion for him though, as his mistrust is in part the result of childhood trauma that is not his fault. I know that when my wife responds to my suspicions with anger, it only convinces me more that she is lying to me. That said, I have also learned through the past couple of years of my R struggles that you cannot fix the other person or make them see things as you do or demand them to respond the way you want. I feel your frustration and sadness over this....in your unique case, traditional detachment techniques may not help you meet your goals as it seems to only fuel his mistrust. I think detachment for you must take the form of protecting yourself and your children from his destructive jealousy. But he needs to work on his issues, and take responsibility for what he is doing to create this situation. I am confused by his unwillingness to go to MC. It is almost like he is purposefully trying to perpetuate this painful situation. He has to understand that you cannot make him trust you....all you can do is answer his questions and be open, loving, and understanding (despite the fact that you are totally justified in being angry). The rest of the work is his to do. Hang in there....coming from another jealous spouse, try to be kind and understanding, that will help maintain an environment in which he can feel safe....something he probably never really felt in his life at some level.

[brownidmom]

Thanks, Gardener and Stardust.

Hi Brownidmom,
I read through some of your posts after you had responded to my newcomer post. Thanks for your input. I have a lot of trust issues with my W and our MC said something that rang true and may apply to your situation....untrustworthy behavior cracks the foundation of a marriage, but mistrust can be equally damaging (as you are living in your R). I also experienced physical and emotional abandonment as a child and those experiences has made my responses to my W's untrustworthy behavior (e.g., regular text, calls, and emails to ex boyfriends with whom she maintained friendships) highly exaggerated. In your H's case, this appears to be a major blind spot for him (it was for me) as it is not reasonable for him to continue to punish you for things that happened so long ago and before you had a committed relationship. It sounds like you have been open and transparent with him, given him reassurances, etc. and that he is still jealous without cause. His responses are destroying your R and until he sees that and does the work necessary to trust you again, it will be hard for you both to repair the R. Somehow he is making you responsible for his mistrust, and that is not fair. It may help for you to try to hold some compassion for him though, as his mistrust is in part the result of childhood trauma that is not his fault. I know that when my wife responds to my suspicions with anger, it only convinces me more that she is lying to me. That said, I have also learned through the past couple of years of my R struggles that you cannot fix the other person or make them see things as you do or demand them to respond the way you want. I feel your frustration and sadness over this....in your unique case, traditional detachment techniques may not help you meet your goals as it seems to only fuel his mistrust. I think detachment for you must take the form of protecting yourself and your children from his destructive jealousy. But he needs to work on his issues, and take responsibility for what he is doing to create this situation. I am confused by his unwillingness to go to MC. It is almost like he is purposefully trying to perpetuate this painful situation. He has to understand that you cannot make him trust you....all you can do is answer his questions and be open, loving, and understanding (despite the fact that you are totally justified in being angry). The rest of the work is his to do. Hang in there....coming from another jealous spouse, try to be kind and understanding, that will help maintain an environment in which he can feel safe....something he probably never really felt in his life at some level.

I believe his issues with being abandoned by his father might be the only reason we are still in the same house. H will not make the same mistake with the boys. That said, H also realizes how important it is for kids to have both parents available to them. I love him for being such a loyal father.

As far as the mistrust, I'm not sure that he cares to ever trust me again. He has created scenarios in his head that are absolutely ridiculous with no merit whatsoever. I will need to read back through my posts to see if I've ever said this before, so please forgive if it is a repeat; he once woke up one morning and accused me of sleeping with his brother. Why? Because he dreamed it. His brother and I may have ever touched once and that was on my wedding day, don't know if we shook hands or shared a hug, either way, completely benign and meant only out of respect for my H. "No, I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing." H: "Well then, it was somebody else close to me, maybe my cousin..." You get the picture.

Nope, I think H is done. And to be perfectly honest, right now, in this very moment, so am I. Do I love him? Yes. Does he love me? I am sure of it. Can I continue to live my life without talking to my h? Without sharing a smile, a hug, a moment- EVER? NO, I CANNOT!!!

I keep praying and praying. I feel that what I don't know how to do is listen. When I come to a point where I can say, "Yes, I have it in me to do this for another day," I believe it is God's answer to me. Then when he starts his crap, and doesn't utter a sound to me unless he has to, doesn't look at me, makes it a point to let me know we are NOT together, I just think that God wouldn't allow this to keep going for so long if it wasn't a sign to me to end it.

I am a very spiritual person, am totally committed to the idea of marriage, specifically my marriage, and I cannot even believe that I am considering walking away, but I am. There, I said it again. I just don't see how I can do this for much longer. I here others talk about LIMBO. I have been living in LIMBO for almost 7 years. My youngest son has never even heard his father tell his mother that he loves her and my eldest hasn't heard it since he was 2, so I'm sure he doesn't remember. Tough, very tough.

[karen43]

I def. can understand why you are tired of DBing. Seven years!!! That's so long a time. I think how he treats you is emotionally abusive. I know you say he won't get counseling, but if/when you are ready to walk, I think one thing you could do as a LRT is to tell him how you feel. Something like you are ready to leave and are done with the M if he doesn't get IC and work on his issues.

[brownidmom]

Well, this weekend was quite the weekend!!!

We were supposed to go to CT to visit my H's family the weekend of 10/24, but H and S6 were sick, so we didn't. Work was rough last week and this week will be super busy, so I couldn't wait to get home on Friday night, get the chores out of the way so I could spend some time with the boys and some time to myself.

I walked in the house on Friday night and the boys greeted me at the door telling me how "we are going to CT tomorrow." "Really?" So I waited a little whil enad asked H why he waited till the last minute to tell me. "This isn't last minute." Me-"It is last minute to me." Found out while in CT that it wasn't 'last minute' because both his mother and sister have known since we cancelled last weekend that we would be coming this weekend. I explained that I had only found out the night before. I contemplated not going and then thought better of it, the boys wanted "us" to go and I was not about to disappoint.

Some mild R talk on the way since the boys were watching movies and playing games in the backseat. Not productive at all, silence resumed from about NYC until we got to CT.

Yesterday afternoon, I was doing laundry (that I would have done on Thursday evening, had I know I wasn't going to be home on the weekend). I was in socks instead of slippers and fell down the stairs while carrying the basket to the basement. The stairs are carpeted and heavily padded, but I bruised my hip and hurt my foot. S9 walks to the top of the stairs and asks if I'm ok. About an hour after it happened, H came from upstairs and I lit into him. I was just so angry that I fell and he had to have heard it and he didn't come to even check on me. BIM: "Did you hear a loud noise a while ago?" H: "Yes, I did." BIM: " I fell down the stairs and when was it that you were going to ask if I was okay..." The ... is me being angry and saying whatever I felt like saying. H: "So you're mad at me because you fell down the stairs?" BIM: "I believe we both know that this is not about me falling down the stairs..."

This went on for the larger part of the evening.

MIL called to see if we had gotten home ok. While there, I had said something in passing about H being in the hospital a few weeks back. Lo and behold, MIL and SIL didn't know either. MIL confronted him about it over the phone last night. H comes downstairs talking about how I feel the need to tell on him to his mother. 1) I figured he would have at least told them since they are so close. 2) I told him that he fails to realize that EVERYTHING that happens to him isn't just about him. There are people who care about him and are affected by what happens to him. Point blank, I asked him to leave. I told him I would fill out the paperwork for him to get an apt. Of course, he said I couldn't make him leave, etc.

FF to this morning. He brought up a number of things but wanted to point out that S9 is getting in trouble for talking too much at school because his teacher is F and because of his relationship with me, doesn't listen to his teacher either. BIM: "Really, and you don't believe that part of his not listening to me is because he sees you disrespecting me on a regular basis?"

My cell rang halfway to work and S9 told me I had left my lunch at home. "Oh well, I can't come back. I have a meeting at 8:00 am. S9:" Maybe H can bring it to you." BIM: "No thanks, but thanks for calling me to let me know. Love you."

I am honestly so flipping mad today that I literally feel like punching my H. I am not a violent person, never have been, but WHAT THE HE!! IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!

I am seriously contemplating contacting an atty. I don't know how I'm not supposed to react when this kind of thing happens. No, I realize that I did not practice a single DB principle this weekend, but enough has to be enough sometimes. I am exhausted from this OVER AND OVER again!!!

Thoughts? Ideas? 2x4s?

BIM

[givingitmyall]

BIM,

Sorry for your bad weekend. Apparently, we had the same mojo (or lack of it) going.

OK, you are angry and hurt, and you have a right to be. BUT (there's always a but), this is not the time ot make any big decisions. 48 hour rule: Wait 48 hours before making a decision. If it's a good idea, it will still be one in a couple of days. Take this time to cool off.

So, can you identify what really has you upset? I mean the absolute root cause of it?

We all get frustrated, sad, and angry at times. I'm certainly proof of that. How we handle it is up to us.

[brownidmom]

[quote=givingitmyall]
So, can you identify what really has you upset? I mean the absolute root cause of it?

quote]

I feel like H completely disrespects me in front of my boys. IMO, his actions, or lack thereof, show them exactly what he thinks of me, and exactly what he doesn't.

I hurt for them, don't want them to be exposed to this. His actions and inactions are killing me, but it is magnified by the fact that I know they are seeing it. What does it say about me when I allow it to continue? I have communicated my boundaries, but those mean NOTHING to my H.

[givingitmyall]

So, after cooling off (See 48 hour rule), what are your methods of enforcing the boundary?

I agree that his lack of empathy is disrespectful. At a minimum, as a human being, he should have checked on you (if he realized what had happened). But, keep in mind, there is a certain amount of selfishness at play with the WAS.

[Coach]

I feel like H completely disrespects me in front of my boys. IMO, his actions, or lack thereof,

cure = boundary

"I feel ____________ (disrespected) when you do ____________. The next time you do __________ I will point it out. If you continue to do ____________ I will ____________."

what he thinks of me, and exactly what he doesn't.

Why don't you ask him what he thinks of you? This is mind reading.

I have communicated my boundaries, but those mean NOTHING to my H.

What are the consequences of crossing the boundaries? Your boundaries mean nothing to you and your H knows it by your actions.

You can handle it.

Cheers