It's not that you are a fool, you simply keep trying to find "things" that will avoid you having to detach as an individual.
Faith and religion are important parts of life but they are for you and you only. It seems it was much easier for you to rely on your religious beliefs to "fix" things rather than just get down to business and detach. And really, the time has come for you to do that.
The only true possessions we have in life are our ACTIONS. Superficial entities such as salaries, aesthetics and monetary possessions do not create our core.
It's important to have goals to better your career or earnings if you are doing it for YOU and the betterment of your life and your children's future. If your road to self betterment completely excludes your W and what she will or won't notice, appreciate or take a second look at THEN and only then are you on your way to rebuilding your core to become the man and individual you want and need to be. Not for her but for YOU and your children.
IMO you are afraid of progress. Anytime you make an inch of progress you become paralyzed with fear and you take many, many steps back. Only you can tackle that fear of progress. Its a barrier that you have to decide you are ready to hurdle over.
You may have your own apartment and your own job and on the surface your life is different but deep down it seems you view this as temporary so you are not going full throttle in moving forward. Personally, I don't think your "new life" is temporary but if it is, you still need to do better for you.
And "doing better" doesn't mean making more money or looking better or wearing fancy clothes or driving an expensive car. No, "doing better" means building up a new core and foundation for YOUR life.
AA, counseling and faith are *very* important parts of this process but they need to be "assistants" to you and not crutches for a fix.
And, FWIW, I did stop posting to you because I found the comment you made about my mom and step dad to be rather offensive. Not that I owe you *any* explanation but my parents were married for 32 years and for those 32 years my father refused to get help for his depression and drinking problems. My mother want to marriage counseling alone for TWENTY years as my father refused to go. Eventually things were so bad my mom's health became very poor due to stress. My mom did not "bomb drop" when she left my dad and stayed around for an additional two years hoping he would get on board to at least get help for himself.
My mom was alone, by choice, for TWELVE years before she remarried. In those twelve years she enjoyed her life. She made tons of friends, she traveled, started a new business and continued her dedication to the church and volunteering. During that twelve year span she had one "boyfriend" but it was more of a companionship type R and to this day they are still friends.
My stepfather is an amazing man but I don't need to convince you of that because I *know* he is amazing. Your judgements though without knowing anything about anything go from annoying to personally offensive.
I think once you get to know and change YOUR core you wont be so quick to judge others. That should be your goal.
