Thanks Rabbit.... I think that is what I need to do for now.
Puppy, thanks for stopping by again. OK... so I know i still need to work on boundaries. The cell phone issue is one I am struggling with b/c it is used by H for his job, which is contract work, and we are completely dependent on that income. Without that phone, he can't do his work. However, I have let it get behind in payments.... a little passive-aggressive I know, but hopefully a message sent.
I seriously doubt that your husband had received ANY "message" other than "Hey, my wife seems to be okay with continuing to pay for my cellphone. Cool deal."
You need to decide if you want to be married to your husband, unencumbered, or to his income.
a) Make no mistake, if you cut off his cellphone he'll have a new one up and running for himself within 6 hours; and
b) YOU will feel better for having laid the boundary.
My questions are: should I try to find out if I am being lied to? Or, do I just keep DBing and let that go for now until/unless some evidence does come forward? And, if I should... how do I go about it? This type of behavior is soooo outside my nature and I don't have a clue how to go about anything like this.
The last thing I am asking for help with is, basically... that I know I need to grab a backbone here! lol I really do. But, I am scared s---less! I think I am finally getting emotionally strong enough to start moving in this direction, but again don't really know where to start.
Sorry Puppy, I know this is a lot... I really appreciate your help! Thanks! Rocked
Someone told me in my sitch that "courage is what you're absolutely terrified to do . . . but you do it anyway." It's ok to be scared.
It's NOT okay to be naive, esp. if you're trying to make decisions for yourself and your family.
Finding out the truth can be emotionally devastating. You should ONLY do it if you:
a) think you can handle it;
b) are doing it for the right reasons. I can't answer "a" for you, but noodle "b" for awhile and tell me what YOU think are "the right reasons."
c) Absent any evidence, what is YOUR current assumption about the nature of their relationship, and -- if it turned out to be a lie -- would it be a deal-breaker for you?
Whew.... I knew I'd have to take a few deep breaths before reading your response.... but I asked for it right? :-)
OK - re: the cellphone... I don't know how to do that without the proof... which is one of the reasons I'm debating whether I need to find out. I would be accused of putting our family's financial security at risk for my own suspicisions which he is adamantly saying are not true....
About your other questions: a)I don't know yet... one of the reasons I am so bloody scared b) I am still reeling from all this. I am not even sure any more what the right reasons are? I know I don't deserve to be lied to. I know my kids don't deserve to be lied to (dad's working late all the time these days - I don't lie about it, I tell them to ask him and that is what he tells them). I just feel like the anxiety caused by the unknown is driving me crazy. I don't know... I guess I do need to "noodle" this some more... c) I don't know that I can answer that either. Every thing in me wants to believe that he is telling the truth... and that the worst case scenario is that the EA is continuing more than he is admiting. I want to believe there is no PA. The man I've known all these years I would have never believed would do that. But,.... I just don't know anymore. I always thought it would be a deal breaker when it seemed like some unlikely possibility that would NEVER happen to me in my M. But, now that this possibility could be very real, I don't know the answer to that either.
Sheesh... do I sound wishy-washy or what?! I'm just so freaking scared, overwhelmed, still in shock... BUT... detaching enough, and getting strong enough to feel like I have to do something to protect me and the kids here....
If I was you I would assume PA. You know it was EA. Remember cheaters lie. I handed my wife two wine glasses from an overnight bag from a business trip. She lied right to my face about them.
Now if you want to get real sneaky on the spying part.... Install some backup software on your pc for what ever phone they have. Connect via bluetooth. Usually the pin is 0000. Back up the phone. Open up the software and read... Does he keep the phone with him at all times? Protects it at all cost?
Document who he says he is out with.... Look for a pattern. No doubt he has a code name for OW.
Look at detailed bank records for the last year. Any patterns in spending that has changed ?
Cheaters get sloppy and slip up. LBS's get into denial.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hi Cutter... I know he is not that man. I am so sad about that. He was such a good man. :-(
I am not very technologically savy... so I have no idea what you mean by the back up software etc. He uses a laptop that I would have no reason to be on (since I have my own) unless I was snooping. However, last time I checked he hasn't password protected his account on that laptop... I might be able to log onto it still... haven't checked in a long time.
Yes, he keeps his phone with him at all times and protects it at all costs. That was actually what first tipped me off to the EA. He used to leave it lying around and charge it on the kitchen counter etc. Then, suddenly I never saw it and he started locking it all the time.
He always says he is out with "guys from work" - no names. A lot of those "guys" I don't know. Or he says he is by himself "thinking" - goes for drives or to a coffee shop alone.
I did go over bank records already... didn't see anything, but I think he has used cash for anything questionable.
I have yet to find a slip up. And, yes I am sure I am in denial. It is just so hard.
Well I see a few slipups. 1. Protection of phone. Locking of room. 2. Out late bars with buddies or coffee shops. 3. OW announced. 23 yr. old recovering alcohlic and addict 4. ILYBNILWYA speech right after. 5. 2 is a redirect from 3 If he is going to bars all the time.... spending would increase. It costs money to hang out at bars all the time with a bunch of guys. Do you see lots of abm withdrawls... Or is it still consistant with the last few years ? remember to check credit cards as well. There are always patterns.
Others include appearance. Is he keeping up his appearance? or has he fallen apart?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I hear what you are saying Cutter... but there is no concrete proof. No, spending patterns are no different than before. There is also nothing on credit card statements that could be questionable. I get those as well as his cellphone bill, which he has asked not to be itemized, so all I see is amount owing. Again... nothing concrete. He has showed increased concern with his appearance. Worried about hair loss, weight, etc. Was at a party with some of his co-workers this summer where they were teasing him about wearing t-shirts that teenagers wear. True, a few months ago he started buying "younger" clothes. But.... yet again..... none of this is concrete "proof" of an actual A. He keeps saying the "brief" EA is now "winding down" and contact is "mainly" about work. I just don't know what to do with that....
The reason I am "noodling" (as Puppy so aptly put it) this, is that I think a lot of the approach I take from here on will depend on this. If he is telling the truth, then I focus on the MC, DBing, not pressuring, giving him space, etc.
BUT... if I am being lied to and the EA is still in full swing and/or there is a PA... then what? Exposure? (they work together) Kick him out?.... I'm not sure. What I do know is that I am finding some self respect that I have not had in years, and every day I am getting stronger in the realization that I do NOT deserve this! But, at the same, scared out of my wits. I am very torn about this...
OK... may I ask why you think I am not ready? I think you may be right, but I am curious to know why you think that.
Maybe I'm still in some kind of denial fog, but I really don't understand your statement "Liars (that is, cheaters)don't know what you don't know."
I don't feel like I have enough. Not enough to confront. What I have is explained away.... I need something concrete. Or, am I in denial there too? I don't know...
Any suggestions on what to do to get stronger so that I will be ready? I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I am still working on detaching and GALing but still finding it very hard and still struggling with the anxiety, not sleeping etc.
a little passive-aggressive I know, but hopefully a message sent.