She doesn't feel secure with you. All she knows is that when the $hit hits the fan, you're there to protect & take care of yourself first and her afterwards. That's what she is used to. You don't make her feel secure & protected, so much so that living apart from you will enable her to feel more safe.
I'm going to add that the 'violation' is NOT what makes her feel insecure. It's your reaction to all of HER issues that is making her insecure. I'll echo others who say that she uses that as emotional leverage because she knows inside that when she does, it will knock you off balance, thus proving you are not able to protect her.
As David Cunningham says "If you can't stand up TO me, how can you stand up FOR me". Well, how can you?
Read Deida's book also. "The way of the Superior Man".
You need to NO LONGER REACT to anything she says about the past EXCEPT to say "I can see how you might feel that way".
