It sounds like you are back to looking for a plan to fix H. Instead, this should be your plan: STOP trying to fix H. You are not his parent. You are not his therapist. You aren't even friends right now. Back off and quit trying to control the situation by controlling him. Instead, focus on making things work for you.
HOW TO RESPOND I suggest that you detach and respond to him with compassion and respect. RESPECT him by believing what he says. Don't belittle his feelings by dismissing them for whatever reasons you come up with at the time for believing what you want rather than what he is telling you. THE M IS NOT WORKING FOR HIM. HE HAS NO INTENTION OF STAYING MARRIED TO YOU. This may or may not change. Right now, it is where he is. When he tells you how he feels, you hear it in terms of how it affects you, how it is different from what you want to hear, how to get him to say what you want to hear... It is all about you. Detach. If you ask him about his feelings, then it should be about him. Right now, you can't even see, acknowledge his pain, or offer comfort or support to him because you are making it all about you.
Try this. Detach. Make the emotional space for you to really SEE HIM and HEAR HIM: "Wow H, that sounds so very painful. It must be so hard for you. It must hurt sooo much to feel that way when you think of your wedding day. I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain." Then, accept that his feelings are exactly what he told you they are.
RESPECT Your M doesn't have a chance in hell as long as you continue to treat H and view H with so little respect. You are hurting everyone by treating H like a child. You have to allow space for H to be a man in your R. This means you have to treat him like an adult with real responsibilities. Will he live up to those responsibilities? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But the answer will always be no as long as you commandeer all his responsibilities.
YOUR AFFAIR You seem a little too dismissive of your A and your frequent lying associated with it. Try to get a bit more real with yourself here.
FINANCIALLY If you get divorced, it won't matter that his current new debt is "his own." Legally, it isn't. It is yours too. I strongly suggest that you separate financially legally. Split the debt--legally, take him off your credit cards, figure out spousal and child support. Make sure his continued spending STOPS affecting your bottom line. Right now, his excesses continue to affect you. Make them none of your business by separating from him financially.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS The truth is, you can figure out a way for H to move out. You lived separately before, you can do it again. In the meantime, you both need to have your own space if you aren't sharing your bedroom. Surely there is a place for H to set up a bedroom that is more appropriate than the LR?
SEX Don't have any sex with H but safe sex. This means zero sex without a condom, including oral sex. You both need to be tested. And, beware that condoms will not protect you from herpes. Clearly, H is concerned about using you for sex, which is one reason why he keeps reminding you that he is not committed to you or the M. I'd say that odds are 99% that he is involved sexually with one or more real or virtual OWs. His pissiness and withdrawal after a period of great sex is probably mostly about his guilt about his renewed sexual interactions with these OWs (to create distance from you), and the crappy way he feels about himself as a result. The point: his sh*tty treatment of you is about HIM, not you.
I'd also suggest you stop sex unless you are satisfied with friends w/benefits. That is what he is offering. You either accept it as that and quit trying to make it into something more, or quit accepting it. If I were you, I'd stop doing something that makes me feel like crap: "Sorry H, I'm really horny and would love to have some hot sex, but I'll wait for a committed monogamous romantic R for that, thanks anyway."
YOUR M Get a bit more real about your M with yourself. You report that you were happy for a few months during your M when H was on certain meds. You call H during that time the "real H." But H at other times is just as real. It is his choice what meds to use. Why be married to someone if you want him to be someone else?
YOURSELF You really are doing great in your life, physically and emotionally you have made enormous progress in becoming a happy healthy person. Whenever you feel like a victim, look at the choices you are making to put yourself in that position. Then, change your choices or acknowledge that the consequences are yours to own. You aren't the victim here. You know that H is lying, that he is very likely still involved with OW(s), that he is not considering staying M to you as an option. IT IS YOUR CHOICE to continue to live with him under these conditions. I understand your reasons for doing so, but it still remains YOUR CHOICE.
TIME This is all very, very, very new. You are trying to rush to the other side, one way or the other. It won't work. You can push through a D next week and all the same stuff will remain unresolved. SLOOOOOOWWWWW DOWN. This is a new month. The whole month, focus only on making life peaceful for yourself. Schedule the whole month in terms of who is on childcare so that you don't have that as a daily stressor. Get H sleeping somewhere other than the main living area, which isn't fair to anyone. Lose an extra 2 pounds before thanksgiving. Focus on you. Read "Reinventing your Life." And, most important, give H much more space than he wants, for both your sakes. BACK OFF. WAY OFF. EVEN FURTHER.
RETROUVAILLE Keep an open mind and accept what your H says with compassion for him as a human being in extraordinary pain. Don't make it about you. And, share yourself authentically, or don't bother going. ---- Gina, you really are doing astonishingly well. You don't see it, but I've been posting here for 7+ years. You have come very far, very quickly. You are incredibly strong, smart, and loving. Treat yourself well. And maybe move to "We're" Separated" or "Infidelity." Time to step away from the high drama, and fresh searing pain of the newbies. No matter how this turns out, it will be an emotional struggle for at least a couple of years. You can do things to keep from getting stuck, but you can't jump from where you are to where you want to be without the long hard trip in between.
So, stop looking for the magic bullit. There isn't one. I promise. But, in looking at how far you have come already, I know you will end up in a great place, better than you could imagine. But quit trying to see now where that future place will be. It is a waste of time, no one can see such a distant future.
Final recommendation: Go to Blockbuster and get the new Tinkerbell movie to watch with DD. We just watched it last night -- loved it :-)
