It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

This started out as a random, short post and evolved into a journal-type thing. It's messy, solipsistic, and stream-of-thought. It goes over the same ideas and folds in on itself.

I'm posting it because I want to look back on it down the road and I want others who are going through the same sort of things to see the thought processes. Sorry if it's confusing.


On some other thread someone pointed out that WAS are great DB'ers. It's the other way around.

I had a kind of realization that I'm going to have to turn into a WAS. That's the only way through it. Let go, move on and through it to a better life.

Then what? Two WASs. That's why I held onto the pain for so long. If I let go of the M then it goes away. Doesn't it? Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe the trick (and quite a big one) is letting go without pushing it away. Because if the opportunity does come up, if I CAN actually save the M will I be able to recognize it? If I recognize it, will I WANT to save the M?

And that's the big thing, the WANT. I can't tell if that's where the pain is coming from.

The other problem is that being a WAS is ultimately a reaction against the pain from the M. Get rid of the M, get rid of the pain, right? That's bad logic and emotional thinking. Eventually, you wake up from the "fog" and reel from the damage you caused. I want no more confusion, hiding feelings or lashing out.

And this whole meltdown has been a reaction. I don't want to react any more.

I've made my decision to move forward. I had to in order to survive. The question is, now that I've committed to moving forward, would I go back if she wanted me to? If she called right now would I return? And I don't know what the answer is.

What about in a month, or four, or a year? What would I do? Who would I be then? I'm afraid of falling out of love with her, of losing that part of me that's still connected.

Does love go away? Real love? Can you strangle or ignore it into non-existence? She is. And if loving her is so painful, shouldn't I do the same?

See, I don't believe that love is magic. I don't believe in destiny. If you don't feed love (the noun), it withers and hurts you. If you don't do love (the verb), love (the noun) withers and hurts you. But does it die?

That's what we're afraid of, those of us in this painful "just-been-dumped" period. The spouse is moving on and turning off the love. Our love causes us pain and so we learn to turn it off, too.

But I've done that before. I've turned it off in the past, like she did. How did I get it back? Answer, it doesn't go away.

So, even when I didn't FEEL love (noun), it was still there. And, when I didn't DO love (verb), it was still there.

That's the secret. Love isn't tied to being a thing or a verb. It's a function of who we are, who they are. It's a function of existing. Yet you still have to feed it and do it or it withers and hurts you.

So I walk away, move on. How do I do that and feed love and do it? How to do this w/ detachment while keeping your sanity is the dilemma.

So it comes down to this:

I've got to move on and through this toward a better future for ME. I've got to show that the person she loved is still there and capable of feeling and showing love in return. I've got to be ready for her to realize that her love didn't just vanish, that she just stopped feeding and doing it and that it can be revived.

I've also got to be ready for that NEVER to happen. It may, at some point, be too late.

Because that lightbulb will probably go off in her head. If I'm not worth the risk of getting hurt again, then she won't take that leap. I have to be worth it. I have to be all the things I needed to be through the years. She has to see promise.

What will determine my choice if she wants me back? Will I want it, too?

Maybe that doesn't matter, because the person I'll be is not the lonely, desperate person I am now. I'll have better skills for making that choice. She'll be different. We both will. And that's the scariest part.

You just have to trust in yourself that you'll make the right choice to be happy in the end.