Your first question - I know you will probably be told to act "as if"...I could never quite get this down so I will leave that to some of the other ones who have been here longer...
Your second question - If you weren't the pursuer in the relationship, this would be a good 180 for you however it contradicts what I read so I am not sure if you should pursue since you didn't beforehand.
Not much help I am afraid
However I know some of the others can chime in and guide you on this...
I know when I speak to my H on the phone (which is rare since he is the king of texting) I try to stay as neutral & businesslike as possible...
It isn't always easy since my emotions fly all over the place at times but I have to really focus in order to do it.
Now my plans for Halloween, I can answer that
I am taking my little one out trick-or-treating and then I am going to an adult Halloween party later on that night...
Normally I don't celebrate Halloween since I personally think it is a useless holiday however this year I am determined to have fun
Do you have any plans?
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I do have plans for Halloween, Seren. Please tell me what you think of this: My W has s-5 this weekend, so I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't going trick-or-treatin. I also know that W was invited to a party to her best friend's place (kids included). Instead, she asked me if I wanted to go with her and s-5. Of course I said yes, this means she's not going to her party. That's why I'm still wondering what to do with our time together-even though the pretext is 'for our son'. I know we are supposed to 'don't believe what she says and half of what she does'. But, I'm trying not to get my hopes up.
Also, last night we met with a child counselor for or s-5 to help him with our separation. I got all dressed up like I was going to a party. As we were concluding, my cell phone rang at the opportune time. I acted like I needed to be someplace else and hurried out while talking on my cell (it was just a friend calling). I guess this is detaching and playing games, but I thought I'd try it and see if she says anything. Sure enough, when we had our morning chat on the phone, she brought it up. She and the councelor thought I had a hot date. I just told her I was late to a happy hour and that was it. I wanted to be a little mysterious, but I told her I was not on a date.
Like you, I didn't find halloween that fun as an adult, but when I had my son, I got really into it. I would decorate the house and invite friends and family with kids for a party and trick-or-treatin. It brought out the kid in me. But, this year, my wife was suprised that I wasn't having a party. She said I used to get up for it. But, this this time, my sadness overcame my enthusiasm.
I got all dressed up like I was going to a party. As we were concluding, my cell phone rang at the opportune time. I acted like I needed to be someplace else and hurried out while talking on my cell (it was just a friend calling).
Perfect - I have done this as well though I don't give explanations anymore and eventually you will get to this point.
It does all seem like a game at times and quite frankly a game I don't like playing at all.
Go to the party with her, have fun, enjoy the time with your S however avoid any marriage/getting back together talks...If she tries to bring it up, walk away - Don't let her draw you into her game...Remember you are in control of this "game"...That took me a very long time to get - To realize they (our spouses) don't hold the cards - We do.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hmmm, I'm still new at detaching, Seren, but if she starts talking about the R in a positive way, like maybe go to MC, shouldn't I pursue the conversation? That would be a big step for me. Ever since she left, she has not shown me any indication of changing her mind.
Don't count on the MC right now. If by some miracle she brought it up, it would be worth acknowledging that you are in agreement with it.
Just my 2 cents.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't know the answer however I will go back to my thread and ask Puppy to come here when he has a chance and see if he can steer you in the right direction...
I would hate to say yes/or no and it be wrong - Basically I go by my heart but sometimes that backfires as well
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Help! I need advice to detach and show 'tough love' to my WAW so that I won't be this 'nice guy' anymore. She moved out last July. Now, she is coming to the house and packing her things, and also some of our mutal things, like dishes and decorations. My instincts tell me to give her everything that she wants. But, I really want to keep certain things. She wants to have all-day outings with s5 on some weekends, I oblige but feel so darn uncomfortable. Should I not do this? Or, go and be stoic and just enjoy the day with s5? Please any advice would help. I feel I need to go against my nice-guy inclinations and be tougher. I'm reading DR, but would love expert advice from Coach, sandi2, BigJohn, and those that have or starting to have their WAW turning around. Thank you for your help.
Help! I need advice to detach and show 'tough love' to my WAW so that I won't be this 'nice guy' anymore. She moved out last July. Now, she is coming to the house and packing her things, and also some of our mutal things, like dishes and decorations. My instincts tell me to give her everything that she wants.
Well, that's why you have US here, Sam -- cuz most of us, when we went thru our sitches, had HORRIBLE instincts.
I'd suggest you make a list of your belongings, with suggestions as to who-gets-what. Be generous, but stand up for yourself if it's something you need, and/or if it has sentimental value for you. Negotiate with her. If she moved out way back in July, she should NOT still be coming to the house and taking things! Why does she still have access to your house?
