I have no idea where to start today - but have so many things running though my head and since I am work, I don't have the jounral I have been writing in the last few days, and need to get some of this stuff out of my head.
Yesterday, we had Bday party for my son (he's 16 today!) and my father in law. I managed to get through it with a smile on my face most of the time for son's sake. At the end, my wife's terminally ill 89 year old grandmother said to me "I'm sorry for your loss - only you can put it back together". She literally may die any day now and that just might be the last thing she ever says to me. I know I should control my emotions, but that made me cry in front of everyone. I wasn't the only one though - lots of tears as everyone watched her being taken out in a wheelchair.
I have tried not to have R talks with wife, but they just come up, since everything seems to be tied to our R. She said this weekend, "I am not excited to leave you, but I am excited to feel safe and not threatened". Yes, we had problems for years, but that damn night when I violated her is the reason she finally decided to get out. I know we shouldn't believe everything we hear, but in this case, I think she's being honest. Sure, we still sleep in the same bed now, but she can do that because as she says "you don't feel you have the right to me now". She thinks that if she stayed, I would eventually go back to my old ways of treating her like a "piece of meat". I think that's one of the reasons my dbing keeps falling apart - I believe she needs time away from me to heal and forgive. If in that time, she realizes she is happier away from me, or finds someone else, than letting her leave will have been the wrong thing for our marriage and for me. If on the other hand, I can finally apply db principles and she chooses to come back to me, I would be the happiest man on earth.
I tossed and turned all night last night trying to get it together. Today, I put on new clothes I bought recently and told myself I can do better. Until, I detach from my wife, I think I will continue to falter. Everything she does, still affects me. I think of her and us constantly. I try not to let her know these things. I only tell them here, because it's safe and if the Pros are ever going to help me, I need to be honest.
In my moments of clarity, I know my wife is already gone. The physical move may not be until December 1st, but she is gone. She is safe. The trick is to move on without her and not wait until later. I know that. Doing it is another thing - when I ache inside every day and just want us back. Again - please let me be honest here. I won't let my wife see or fail my pain.
