It was strange because I didn't think about the email so much as it seemed to come from my subconcious it just flowed and I knew it was right.
I realised I was waiting to be ok with being able to move towards divorce and I realised that I could be waiting forever on that one. I will never be ok with being divorced, it does not sit with me, it was never what I wanted but life threw it at me and I have stopped fighting.
I thought back to those things that he said to me around the time of the bomb and when he said those things I tried to change and thought they were bad things about myself. The fact that my priority was my family (his was work and his new friends), that he couldn't live up to my expectations which were nothing more than that he would be a loving and kind and supportive husband - my knocked confidence led me to believe that those things were me being unreasonable?! - and I refused to believe he had changed as a person, well my eyes have been opened of late that he really has. So, I mourn the loss of my husband as he was and not the person he is now as he is not the person I fell in love with. Therefore I have no other way forward than to live my life no longer under the shadow of this and hopefully one day I will meet a person who will sweep me off my feet and treat me in the way I deserve. Someone who will fight for me and step up for me instead of me always having to be the emotional crutch.
Really the only way I know I can get over him is to go cold turkey. This meet up /contact business was doing me no good. I remember Jeff saying it a while back. However my goal has changed now, it is now me I can no longer worry about him.
