Alright. Logging on iPhone while on the train so forgive errors.
Fast forward through the weekend. We spent time together Saturday and sunday with d2. Went trick or treating and all that. Did some stuff together yesterday and she made ne a nice dinner last night. I went to bed early because I was beat and work is going to be brutal today.
Then, before I go for my morning run I check the keylogger. Busted her in some dirty IMing and plans to meet up with suspected guy. Well I didn't keep my cool. I went in her room (4:30am at this point so she's asleep). WTF?! I knew it...blah blah. Her getting defensive wanting to talk to me. I had to walk away and next thing I know I punched a few holes in the walls then proceeded to get my clothes on and she was panicking asking me why I was doing and that she needed to talk to me. At first she was probing what I saw exactly and I said I saw some old FB IMs on the screen about her making plans. Then once she knew I saw it all she caved. I was so mad. So betrayed but after the initial rush and her spilling her guts, I feel better now than I have I'm weeks. Is that Fd up or what? She opened up and admitted the night she went out and was with him once and how besides that it was texting and IMing. He's in a bad relationship and she felt like he understood her. Script stuff. She said how she really doesn't even want him but she just needed somebody bah blah. I know from the IMs that he didn't make her orgasm...not that it really matters but whatever. He was IMing that he needed another shot at it and all that.
Anyway, I didn't cry at all. It was different than before. I was the strongan for whatever reason at this point (after destroying the wall in my house and my hand gushing blood everywhere of course. Never would lay my hands on her. I'm a real man and don't F around like that). I was going to go for the run still to clear my head. She wanted to hold me and talk to me. I stayed. We layed in bed. She felt like the biggest POS as well she should have. I just said that marriage means something to me and regardless of how she felt about me not being there for her that I would walk through fire and do anything for her. She cried a little and said that for the first time ever that me saying that under these circumstances that she believed me and now she felt even worse. Talked about how I didn't deserve for this to happen to me. We talked about some of our issues for awhile. Kissed briefly (stupid). Now that I know she won't see him again and promised me that nothing like that would ever happen again. I said that ieasbt sure I could trust her and needed time to think but that it's going to take alot of work for me to trust her abd for this to work. She asked if I had confirmed the MC session Wednesday. I said no but she wanted to know if I would still go with her. I said I would. It was starting to turn towards her pursuing me more and me being the shot caller. Weird. She repeated how stupid, careless, irresponsible it was and all that. D2 got up and I had to go to work. I kissed d2 and hugged her and sat with her for a few minutes while W was on the other side of the couch obviously staring at us and then saying again how sorry she was. I said I had to go and just left (after sweeping up a ton of Sheetrock...).
Then she calls me while I'm driving saying how d2 was sitting at the front window yelling "daddy where are you" because when i went to the store yesterday they waited for me to come back in the window. Then I hear her in the background going "oh daddy work". She is so damn cute. She's only 20 months old and getting smarter every day. Anyway, I realized it was an excuse to call me. She said how she doesn't like how I left and asked if she thinks we can work through this. I said crazier things have been dine and people go through alot of tuff times. I said it's going to take alot for us to regain openess together and for me to trust her again because right now I don't. She again said how sorry she was and how she never would have thought that she would ever do something like that. She basically feels dirty. Now that the excitement was gone of the secret texts and all that ....standard stuff you read around here.
She asked if I wanted to stay married to her (oh guess who just called again as I type. I'll have to check that voicemail later) and I said I had to go and I'd call her back in a few minutes. So I called her back after making her sit on it and she repeated her question and I said I wanted to be honest with her and as of right this second I did want to stay married, but that I fully expect to be on an emotional rollercoaster as this settles in and that could change. I said , how about you. She said she did and I asked if it was different than a month ago (which is when this happened with OM). She said this past month as we've been in separate rooms and me trying,although awkward at times, she can say yes she does and more than before. Is this what takes?! Anyway, so much typining in phone. I'm going to listen to the message now and update if it's worth it. Work is going to interesting today. Such a busy day.
Initial feelings are that I sense a control shift this morning now that it's all out there and strangely enough I feel better than I have in a month.
Thoughts welcome. Thanks for listening.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
