Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I've been thinking over the weekend (usually a bad thing). This is just a bit of a vent and I know this is a safe place and you guys will listen.

I know I still deeply love my W as all of us do on here with our partners (or we wouldn't be here) but I also know that I am not in love with her anymore. The knot in my stomach I get when I see her or think about her or find out more about what shes doing (hence why I told people to stop telling me) confuses me. It's a mixture of love, pain, care, pity and forgiveness.

I know it's only been a few months but I truly believe my wife will never come back to me. I believe she is too proud to ever admit she made a mistake. And too much blaming me for the problems to sit down and work on herself. She doesn't seem to be in any fog - she seems pretty happy and determined to keep her life course going.

What still confuses me is the little kisses on texts, the love yous and other affection I got almost up until the date she said we were separating. Three days before she left she sent me an email saying she was worried about me, my depression (which I have found out was because of the state of our relationship) and that she wanted to fight for us and fight for our M.

At this point I am just trying to get on with my life. It's not easy. Most of my GALing has slipped away to be honest. I am trying to get it back on course.

The OM has changed everything. Before him there was nice contact from her. She also wasn't sure what she wanted. Since he has arrived, or was due to arrive, contact has vanished. She no longer "needs" me. Which gives me hope and worry - hope that when he goes she may wake up (although I still don't think she'll come back) and worry that she's going to break down. My plan at the moment is to TRY and make sure she can see that I am a safe person she can turn to, even if it's just because I still care about her. That is going to be a HUGE amount of work but I am committed to doing it.

As I've said on here a few times, the OM is a strange one. Within 10 days of him being here he had second thoughts 2-3 times. Maybe it was just cold feet for such a huge decision I don't know. But it doesn't bode well for them.

I think one of the things that keeps me going is a quote I read on here (this is my version of it). For an LBS to continue to love their WAS, even during and after an A, and fight for their marriage takes a deep love and commitment that no WAS could ever understand.

One final decision I have made. No D until I am ready and done. I have been thinking about D and the pain I feel inside is unbearable. I had been reading a D is like a death and if just thinking about it is any indication I am really not strong enough just now.