Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Sadgirl, I just can't understand a dad who doesn't visit or call.

D10 is taking it the hardest. She's keeping up in school, but she's always just a moment away from crying. We've always been very close and when I moved out/kicked out in May the first thing she did was ask W if she could move in with me. I told her we'd decided she and her sister would live together.

D7 is hard to read. She's ADHD so she bounces from moment to moment where she's happy as can be and then furious.

She's doing better in school this year because she was accepted into a special program, and I bought a book this summer which outlined several things we'd been doing wrong with her. I read it first then gave it to W.

Still, whenever W and I are together, she'll come running up and ask "do you and mommy love each other."

W says things like, they'll be fine, kids adapt. She refuses to discuss our situation at all with the girls. She says "it's between me and daddy."

Her parents stayed together even though they had a terrible marriage so W grew up wondering why people who are miserable stay together. So I'm battling that as well.

My parents had a terrible marriage, separated twice before divorcing and my dad drifted out of our lives when I was in college. I went from being an upper income kid to middle income to having nothing in college. I grew up wondering why parents can't keep it together for their kids sake.

I'm in a better spot than most non-custodial parents. Because of my W's job -- she works 60 to 65 hours a week and has very rigid hours -- I'm the one who leaves work every day to see them get off the bus. So I see them 12 out of 14 days. They stay with me five nights every two weeks.

My W has even asked me to take them on extra nights so she could catch up at work. My L asked me to document these in case I want to make an effort for joint physical custody.

Back to your kids, Sad Girl, what is the situation with the dad. Mine kept me in his life for several years, but he never developed a close relationship with my sister and after the D she would turn down his requests to see her and then he eventually gave up.

It damaged her big time, although through a series of events she ended up OK.

Last thing on my girls. Getting used to being separated is hard. The gradual limitating of their expectations is already under way. They will be talking about things happening back at the house and they'll say stuff like 'mommy said we have to wait until that game has been out for a while because we can't buy it new.'

Tonight, W called twice to see if I was bringing them home tonight. I said no, I planned on keeping them Friday through the weekend until they went to school on Monday from now on. She said we'd never discussed it and I asked her if I get to see them on Sunday on the weekends she has them. She said 'I guess not' and we moved on from there.

Anyway, back to the limitations. The past four years W has taken D10 to Chicago during the Christmas season to go to the American Girl Doll store. D7 has gotten to go the past two years.

They talk about this constantly. It's part of an annual bus trip they take with W's mom. Now, W says she can't even afford to pay for herself for the trip and she wants me to take them that day, Sunday, Dec. 5 -- it's her weekend -- so she can go.

Of course I will, but I wonder how she'll break it to the girls? This is a long post and I'm not sure anyone will read this far. If you do, if you were me, would you take them? I can eat soda crackers for a couple of weeks to save up enough so they can both buy an American Girl Doll. They run $100 each at least so it's not going to be easy. But a memory like that is worth it.

W actually makes more than me and I'm giving her more than she's probably legally entitled to and yet she's still telling me she's broke. In March, after the tax return is gone, we have to start scheduling and paying for summer camps. This is a $2,500 to $3,000 expense every summer.

Looking ahead, I can see her saying she can't afford the camps and the girls will just have to learn to live with summer daycare.