Gina B, Thanks so much for posting! It really is odd how it gives comfort to know you are not alone! The way you have described your feelings... it just how I feel so much of the time. I guess I hadn't thought that I get stronger each time. I guess I do, though. I've been dealing with this since April. Maybe that's why I might be a little closer to having that conversation. My H is in a separate bedroom now. Every time I think it is not possible for my heart to keep breaking, it does. Every time I think it is not possible to hurt worse, I do.
One of the main obstacles for my H to leaving is also financial. It is pretty tough on the self esteem to know that your H comes home at least partly because he can't afford to leave. I have had days of wondering if I will ever feel good about myself again. I know I will, but now it is so hard.
I hear what you are saying about it making the shift in your soul. I think that is a big part of why I am contemplating this move. I think my H thinks he can take for granted that I am his "plan B" and will always welcome him with open arms. I have made it clear that I choose this M and that I still love him with all my heart. But, I have also started setting some very important boundaries of how I will let myself be treated. And maybe that boundary also needs to include letting him go and find out for himself.... I don't know. I do know I need to find some self-respect when he doesn't respect me.
I think it would take him very much by surprise and might wake him up a bit. BUT... Rabbit is right... I would have to mean it and be prepared should he say, "fine that is what I will do."
Some days, I am so weary of being hurt and lonely and all the bs that goes with being a LBS that I do want him to go. Then, I look at our kids and I remember the man he used to be, and how much I still love him, my values about marriage and family that I want to continue to teach our kids, etc.
How do any of us ever sort all this out... somedays it is just too much.
Blessings to you too Gina... keep in touch! Rocked
