In answer to your question, I think I'm wanting it all! I do think that if I let go of my resentment, my words and actions may help him want to be more intimate.
I think besides the lack of the physical connection, I missed the intimacy. He doesn't share his feelings, or much about himself or his past, love making was, and is, one of the few ways I felt close to him. OK, it's funny I just went back and read your reply again and I saw where you basically said the same thing about intimacy. So, I agree with what you said.
He has cut way back on the binging and he just had his T checked again. It is up to over 700 now! I think we are moving in the right direction. I'm hoping that there will still be improvement over the coming months though. I can see some improvement, but it's not exactly where I want it to be. But, I know I have to be patient.
I had a major break through in therapy this past week. I was adopted as a toddler and although it was a positive experience in many ways, I am realizing the sense of loss and feelings of rejection I have felt over the years has shaped much of who I am. While I think my DH could certainly have done things differently, I know I have been difficult to live with at times and am not without blame. I think I felt the rejection even harder that many people when he didn't approach me sexually, or didn't share some of himself with me.
I don't know why I have obsessed about his past. I mean, I guess I just feel jealous of his old lovers. I don't know how many he had, he's never told me. I'm trying to figure out why that matters.
My sexuality is really a dichotomy and I'm not sure how much this plays into our problem. I love sex, but I have guilt about my past. I always felt I would stay a virgin until I got married. Well, I went with this guy for six years starting at age 16. We had sex when I turned 18, within 4 years we broke up (six months before our wedding date). I was so depressed. I ended up being with two other guys before I met my husband. I think I must be transferring some of my feelings about my past onto him. I find myself wanting to know (then not wanting to know) everything about his past. There's no way he can change his past any more than I can.
Well, that's all I've got for now. I hope I've made sense. I'm not sure that I have.
