Help - Husband in MLC

[Dudess]

What are his feelings about the issue?

I have heard of situations where the H will initiate a little fantasy with W, and even though he got her to go along, he ends up being mad that she enjoyed it. Does it seem to be any particular scenario that is bugging him?

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dudess

That's the thing, he started asking about fantasies I had and then what he had, I never at any stage said I wanted to do them but off he went, goes and buys some things from the shop (nothing weird). He initiated text suggestive, naughty text messages, then all of a sudden he feels funny about it all and says to me "everything we did was what you wanted".

Now I have removed the items and then he asks this morning "why I removed them".

It seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, can't win at the moment.

[TrentC]

That's the thing, he started asking about fantasies I had and then what he had, I never at any stage said I wanted to do them but off he went, goes and buys some things from the shop (nothing weird). He initiated text suggestive, naughty text messages, then all of a sudden he feels funny about it all and says to me "everything we did was what you wanted".

Um, no. He asked you what you liked and acted on his own initative. Point that out next time.

Now I have removed the items and then he asks this morning "why I removed them".

"Because you bought them for me without asking if I wanted them, and things are awkward enough between us that I don't want to complicate them any more."

It seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, can't win at the moment.

"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play." -- WOPR, WarGames

[girlfromoz]

Thanks for the input TrentC

I haven't wanted to overdo the "he acted on his own initiative" bit because I don't want him to turn that around at me as well.

I do like your answer regarding removal of said items, will store that for tonight, if it gets mentioned again.

It is indeed a strange game, I would have thought that something like this could be discussed and dealt with quickly not drag on for days.

[Dia]

Hi, Oz,

Just a nudge here - when you moved the items, were you trying to 'fix' things? Don't fix! Let him work out his own stuff in his own time. When you moved the stuff, you changed whatever equilibrium he had, which required him to find a new place of equilibrium. If the things bother him that badly, let HIM move them. If they bother you, then you move them but let him know.

My sense is that people like your H have great suspicion of change. For them, change has always been a bad thing. SO when they come home and the physical environment has changed, they start wondering what's next, what's coming, what do I have to be prepared for? And for your H, even though it's unconscious, change in the home environment triggers the whole "Is another torrent of abuse coming?" It has nothing to do with you, or with the items. Foo leftovers.

Make sense?

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dia

I guess I was trying to fix things, but too late now, can't really put them back because he would then start again with "why did you put them back" scenario.

I think I understand what you are saying, so how do I now calm that sense of suspicion?

[TrentC]

I think I understand what you are saying, so how do I now calm that sense of suspicion?

Well, as you said, you can't put them back. Sticking to your guns at this point is probably the best idea.

The key to dispelling suspicion (or rebuilding trust) is transparency. As long as he knows why you're doing what you're doing (and can verify if needed), you'll probably be okay.

[girlfromoz]

I have explained why I did it very clearly. And over and over and over on the weekend why I don't need the said games and toys that were introduced. I have stuck to my guns and my reasons and explanations have not changed.

He has sent me some emails today, nothing about the said "issue" merely asking what we are doing tomorrow (public holiday here for Melbourne Cup).

[Lost Rabbit]

Ok you said it yourself youve explained it over and over all weekend, well let it just sink in now! its obviously his problem and he needs time to get his own head around it, perhaps leave it a few days and then ask him has he had anymore thoughts!

You dont know perhaps his jealous streak is thinking, if she'd do that with me what would she have been doing with the someone else/

But then Im the last person to wonder, my H seems to have got his undergarments in a right twist so Im on here till I drop tonight as other wise Im not gonna sleep at all!

[Dia]

Leave the things where they are for now. Don't explain anymore. Go back to the whole happy, upbeat, casual DB default. This will give him the mental space he needs to process. If he sees you as being upset, worried, trying too hard or avoidant, it will add to the pressure he feels. That pressure is NOT your fault, but only he can really solve it.

It does kinda suck, but I know you can do it! This is just a bump in the road, so hang in there.