Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[sandi2]

That sounds "nice", doesn't it? But that is a very worn out line that spouses have been saying, trying to keep from revealing how they really feel about the other one dating. If the two of you had been S for a long time and then she said that, I might buy it......but not yet.

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

Well in my case I'm not sure if she said it because she was already "checked out" emotionally in her head for awhile. I really don't get any vibes (good or bad) from her. Just total indifference.

I'll detail what happened in a couple of hours. Gotta go to soccer practice!

[sandi2]

I'm hoping that what you see as her being "indifferent" is something else. As we've discussed this before, I think it could be depression. That can sure make a difference!

I know you are anxious about all of this. Would be hard not to be, but hope you can just be cool and not press her. I think you're a great guy and I sure hope she doesn't let you slip through her fingers. Once word gets out that you are available, women are going to be coming from all sides!

[courts0818]

Stuck,
I have a question. You said something like you hinted that you had a date. How did you do that? Did you come right out and say it?

Just curious. Personally, I have no plans to date, but I wouldn't mind putting that idea out there. Not sure if I should say it or do things to give that impression. And then, I'm not really sure how to give that impression to my H. I have a few ideas, but suggestions are welcome. : )

Keep up the positive attitude. You sound pretty good. It's crazy how much GAL can really help with our spirits and help to lesson the stress from our R.

[MrBond]

courts0818,

I just told her that I was at my friend's wedding with a date and asked what she wanted. I'm not into playing games anymore with her. Been there done that. Did it get a rise out of her? Not really. I think she would have to physically see me with someone and have that person play with our kids in order to have an impact.

Who knows? Who cares?

[sandi2]

Who knows? Who cares?

You do, sweetie. But keep trying. You'll get where you want to be. I think it would be best, though, if you were not the one to inform her that you're with a date. Speaking as a WAW myself, I believe it would have much more impact for her to hear it from another source.

[MrBond]

Okay, so last week I told her I was at a wedding with a "date" when she called to say 'goodnight' to the kids. She sounded upset that she should have had the right to watch the kids. I called her on it saying that it was my time and that my parents wanted to watch them simple as that. And that since it was her decision to live like this, she really shouldn't be upset.

Sunday rolls around and she's upset in the morning, but eases up a bit as the day goes on. Later that afternoon, I ask her if she wants to come over to help me watch the kids as I had alot of work to do. She said she'd watch them at her sister's place and I said 'no thanks'. I definitely don't want to give her any more control.

So everything is going well, I had the kids Monday and Tuesday. Then Tuesday night, on my way home with the kids, I figure that since she sounded so sad in her calls when talking to the kids at night, I'd swing by her sister's place so she could say 'goodnight' in person. I get there and she's surprised and a little quiet. She's happy to see the kids and tells me 'thanks' very quietly.

I head home, tuck the kids in and check my computer for emails. Lo and behold I see that I had gotten one from her earlier in the day. In it, she unloads about how I was being unfair about the wedding day and that it was obvious I was not willing to work with her on sharing the kids, etc. She mentions that she understands how I am frustrated that 'we' weren't able to work on our M and to not let the kids suffer, etc. And at the end, says that she is happy I was on a date and that I can find someone who will make me happy. Needless to say I was a little miffed at that email, so I called her.

I told her I got her email and I almost felt like laughing. I told her about how I stopped by to have the kids say goodnight to her and if that sounded like someone who didn't care about her or the kids. I went into how it was her decision to live like this and that she was only sad because 'she' was sad about not seeing the kids. I then went on to telling her how everything she's done was for her own selfish needs and she hasn't done anything to look back at the damage she's caused to our Ds so she had no right to criticize me for not seeing them. I then told her that if she really cared about our Ds, she would have talked to their teacher to be sure that they were okay in school which she didn't do the first time she left and our Ds were showing odd behavior. I brought up the A again and how she keeps denying it because it made "her" feel uncomfortable. So alot of it was deflecting her issues with me and showing her that they were her issues and that she's only unhappy because of the things she's done yet is blaming me for them.

This went on for about 45 minutes and she didn't say a word. I heard her crying on the phone which was the first emotional reaction I've ever gotten from her in about a year.

In the end, I told her that I was still committed to making our M work but that she had alot to sort out herself. I told her I can't fix her but that I would be here if she wanted to talk. I also told her that she's not alone in dealing with what she's going through and that she can get help if SHE wants to. In the end she thanked me for the talk and we ended it.

I see her the next day at soccer practice and she's being friendly again and open. We have dinner together with the kids and she's engaging in conversation and fun.

I saw her again on Friday at a kids Halloween event and again she's back to being distant. We have a good time together with the kids though.

Then Saturday night, we took the kids to a Halloween event at their school and she's midline distant and close. There were times she didn't want to stand next to me, then others she would point out something my D was doing that was cute. I think part of it was that she was tired from working during the day.

So it goes on. Her up and down mood swings and all.

When I wasn't with the kids, I've been going out and hanging out with friends and having a great time. I definitely don't have that sense of loss like I did the first time she left. Plus I've been seeing this one particular female friend who is single and she's been a great confidence boost.

The reason I called her out about her email was because the first time she left, I kind of took everything she said and not really made waves. This seemed to have enabled her to continue to walk all over me. So this time I took a stand just for myself. It wasn't to get her back or anything, it was just to not be walked on any longer. I admit it was also to try and help her a bit but it is up to her as to what the next step is that she wants to take.

As far as the date thing went, she knew it was a mutual friend and I told her that right now we were just friends and that I had no immediate plans to do anything else. And besides if I were to do anything like make out with her, why that would be considered adultery. Going back to what she did with her boss.

I'm just doing the best with the time that I have alone.

Any thoughts?

[Lotus]

Sounds good to me. You have taken back the power in the relationship. No reason not to tell her what you think of her actions as long as you were not abusive about it. I hope there was no name calling or profanity.

[MrBond]

Nope it was all pretty cut and dry. I told her just things I felt she needed to hear. It was up to her whether or not to believe them.

I think the thing I'm struggling with now is detaching too much. There are times that I really don't care about her. She hasn't talked to me at all about anything. Little comments here and there. I have to detach enough so that her lack of communication doesn't get to me so much.

[MrBond]

Well things were good last night. Kids had a bit of a hard time sleeping as they both wanted 'mom'. She called to tell them 'goodnight' and that was it.

Later in the evening, I called her to ask a few questions about our D's school and it lead into a small R talk. Or basically me telling her what the kids did and asked her to keep an eye on them during this period of transition.

I did tell her that she had major mood swings over the weekend and that the kids picked up on it. She said she didn't notice them and I told her that's why I was bringing it up to her attention.

I ended up asking her if she ever felt sorry or remorseful for cheating on me. She actually said 'yes' and so I asked her why it was then that she kept emotionally abusing me and had a major attitude when dealing with me. She didn't say anything.

She sounded sad and so I just told her 'goodnight'. Didn't mean for it to get to a R talk, but oh well.

Not depressed though. I get another night with my girls and then it's back to private party time!