Long Journey .......... advice please

[Dia]

Hi, Cas,

In my sitch, here's what worked:

1) Giving him ample time to experience the new me in small, no-pressure, doses. This meant phone emails, phone calls and one joint trip to Disneyland that did not involve sharing a hotel room. This started around March-ish and went on through July (4-5 months). And when I say 'started' I mean the increase in overall, positive communication to the point where we enjoyed interacting with each other.

2) Seeing him in person for a few days at a time, then leaving completely and going dark for a few days at a time. Being there gave him a chance to interact more fully with the new me, and gave me the opportunity to introduce some flirtation/sexual attraction to the equation. Leaving and going dark made sure the pressure never built to a critical level, and it gave him an opportunity to miss me and reflect on what a good time we'd had. This lasted was July - September, 2-3 months. Near the end, I was with him in the house M-F but gone on weekends.

Once we moved into the same bedroom and started sleeping together, I was pretty sure I had him. OW was so distant geographically that I didn't have to worry about him sleeping with both of us.

3) From sleeping together til ultimatum time wasn't very long - maybe 4 weeks. And the ultimatum was delivered fairly gently, and without a hard deadline. ("I don't know how long I can wait.") He ditched OW about 3 days after the ultimatum. How did I know he was ready for the ultimatum? He brought the situation up himself. He said he knew he couldn't continue to be in relationships with both of us. I hadn't been planning the ultimatum, but when the lead-in got thrown, I acted. (It's on p. 109 of my thread, I think.)

So from the point where communication improved and became positive, it took about 8 months to get to ditching OW and re-committing to our R.

In your sitch, OW is right close by, though, right? That changes the dynamic a bit for you. For me, when I first entered the sitch in March, I knew I didn't have the cred to lay down an ultimatum and win. So I invested the time to build up the cred and it took about 6-8 months.

If there is forward progress with your H, then yes, I would advise patience. Use the time to keep re-building your cred. Don't do it forever, though.

Hope that helps!

Dia