thanks andabelle. at this point i feel that D is inevitable- some days are easy to accept that and others are not. I am able, at long last, to see him for who he was in our marriage. And often, he was a monster. I will always love him but I believe he is fundamentally unable to treat me with the respect and love i deserve and need. he continues to show me in our brief and infrequent (i make them that way) exchanges that he still is clueless, still can't respect boundaries, still is entirely selfish. it's so confusing to love someone who you don't like. Love isn't ownership. I am letting go because I know I have to. It's just so hard sometimes to let go of that love that is branded into my heart, and what do i do with the memories that haunt me. the holidays are coming up and i miss him like hell. but i don't miss how he treated me.
