Hi K! Sounds like you had another nice(ish!) weekend as a family then. Hey, how are the kids doing with H being in the house so much now? And you two, 'snuggling'? I can just see your son grinning about that!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I have to confess something: if I would let myself go, I would literaly FORGET the whole thing. I could treat it as a parenthesis. Or at least I think I could.
... thats funny, thats what I did. I thought it was a bit ridicuilous to 'let him off' so easily, the way he walked out, the leading-me-up-the-garden-path all last year, to go NC and start dating someone and not even tell me etc etc...but I did. I understand how you feel you could just let it go and almost forget (almost).
Quote:
The problem is, I dont allow myself to forget and forgive. I make sure I am always alert and sometimes even, I put myself in the position of the victim and enjoy the drama. I know I should not trust him and I dont, but often, he does look like the person I fell in love with. I MAKE SURE I am guarded constantly reminding myself, last time I was completely naive and trusting and "look where it got you stupid!!!"... I feel I am not allowed to even consider trusting him.
.. well its only natural your protection mechanisms would spring into action, but why not allow yourself to take the gaurd down a little? I suppose you've told him you may need to see his phone/emails at times or for him to freely use these things in front of you, for a while, until you feel you are no longer wondering and watching with suspicion? xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Well, no. I dont have access to his email (that he knows of), and lately he changed his passwords even without knowing I was "watching". But I havent asked so far. His phone is not forbidden to me. I feel kind of silly to check on him. Partly because I know that if a person wants to fool you, they will find a way. New email accounts, deleting messages etc...
I've asked for a night at a hotel to get into the next stage. Just be together and talk things out looking for solutions. Agree on steps to take and come to the same level of understanding about things. We'll see. K
Hey K just checking in on you. Latte this morning?
Glad you are continuing to give it a go, I can only imagine how hard it must be. I think piecing must be an incredible endeavor, hopefully since you are both trying it will work better than it did when I tried and H didn't!
I was happy to see you wanted a night at a hotel to try and get to the next stage. However talking things out wasn't what I was expecting to be on the agenda...although I know that physical intimacy without emotional intimacy doesn't work all that well for committed relationships!
I understand being able to let it all go. I have done that myself a bunch of times. Even over the weekend there were a few times Dan would look at me and smile about something and he looked like the husband I loved again. Problem is, like you have noticed, the opposite happens too. You can be in a very nice moment of lightness and suddenly a memory or a 'visual' pops into your head and that resentment rears its ugly head...
I didnt mean sex as the next stage. And my apartment would be fine to talk but the kids should be kept protected from any kind of emotional discussions between me and stbxH. That's why I am requesting to meet elsewhere.
I am wondering, is reconciling worth the trouble? Where should I post this question? K
I think you would post it on "Piecing". From what I have read, the relationship can be so much better than before because so many of the issues have been addressed and communication is better than ever which leads to other things being so much better than ever.;)
I would also ask, Is your family worth the trouble? I busted my rear for my family. Ex was still so into his fantasy and still his that there was no getting through to him. Your H sounds relieved that it is out in the open and no more lies. world of difference there.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think you are in a natural state. You were badly hurt by H's actions and by trusting him. He will have to make you want to believe him again through his actions. Once you see actions from him, then you will decide if they are enough or if you need more...or if you can't do it.
It does seem as if your H has turned a corner w/his openness of his situation, but he is still getting defensive when you talk. I used to be very defensive myself, so I think I can understand how your conversations go.
One thing I learned very recently is defensiveness from a man is due to his feelings of inadequacy. Men want to be there for the people they love, but one of the ways we show our guilt, shame, and feelings like we're "losers" b/c we couldn't do it right, is to be defensive.
That makes all the sense in the world to me now b/c I was "Mr. Defensive" throughout my marriage but I didn't realize it was b/c I was feeling like a failure as a H.
Maybe that will help you w/H's defensiveness a bit. Doesn't excuse it, but may help you to understand it better.
Well, the very fact that you ask yourself that question speaks volumes .... to me anyway. Obviously if you ask the question you are leaning towards; this is NOT worth it.
Well, like someone else said, there are a whole bunch of folks on this site and elsewhere taht would love nothing more than another chance. Some of us did have another chance and it did not work out. I'll tell you one thing, I NEVER asked myself if it was worth the trouble. I was into it 110% ... mind you the result was not a positive one but nonetheless, regardless of who did what to whom, I gave it my all.
I guess if you are true to yourself, when you fast forward 10 years ahead (when your kids are off to Basically, only you can answer the question. You can post it in piecing, on the wall in the women's bathroom at the Athen's airport or at your favourite place of worship....but at the end of the day you have to FEEL it. You BOTH have to be into it 110%!
I am not convinced that relationship talk is such a good idea....but i told you that already. If you need to talk, find another outlet....for the time being. All in due time grasshopper......
You could talk this puppy into the ground! You will still end up chasing the tail. Perhaps time for actions. Show what you need, show what you can give. Quit the talking over the same thing.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Obviously if you ask the question you are leaning towards; this is NOT worth it.
Not true.
Kalni,
If you cannot forgive, then do not waste your time. That is the secret to Piecing. That is it.
Piecing is nothing more than believing just enough that he is for real this time.
Total honesty, including your fears and what he can do to assuage them.
Trust...but VERIFY, and he has to know you are going to check up on him and you have to.
When you are worried about something, you have to tell him.
He wants this, then he should be willing to jump through hoops. But in time, as long as he is trustworthy you are going to have to start removing some of those hoops.
Trust can be rebuilt as long as he wants to and you are willing.
It is and can be better than it ever was.
But if you cannot forgive, then do not waste your time...or his. If you forgive him and bring this up as ammo in a later fight...then you are in the wrong, and you haven't forgiven them.
Do this only if you are capable. Do this with all honesty, if he wants this then he will do his best to make you comfortable even at his own expense.
But you...you need to limit yourself as well. Not everyday is a day for a talk, or for question about the past. Sometimes you are going to give in on things, and sometimes you cannot. Sometimes they are going to fukc up, and you need to be willing to talk it out and not jump to conclusions.
Piecing as much as it suc ked was the best thing for building me and my wifes communication skill sthan anything before.
You need to decide if you can do this Kalni.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
