Am I at this stage?

[TrentC]

Hope your weekend is going well.

[Lll54]

That's what I think I'll do. Treat him like an old friend. I will definitely be focusing my attention elsewhere this time. I was thinking more about it today. And its all really bizarre to me. How he could come in my home, give me a great spiel about our future together, use the intimacy card, take me to bed, and then for then entire next week not even touch me more than a few hugs here and there? Does this seem odd to anyone? Its starting to get to me. He hugged me yesterday when picking up the boys, he complimented my new haircut. Wished me a good night and was off. Hmmm? Maybe he's having second thoughts about the R talk? Maybe he changed his mind AGAIN! I dunno. He went and played hockey last night out of town and they had a big party afterward so that will be interesting how good he is going to feel today for "a day with his kids" on Halloween. Ugh

Happy Halloween everyone!

Trent, shave it off for sure. That would be such an exhilarating change for you to make! It might be the best thing you've done in a while! do it!

[TrentC]

That's what I think I'll do. Treat him like an old friend. I will definitely be focusing my attention elsewhere this time.

Good.

I was thinking more about it today. And its all really bizarre to me. How he could come in my home, give me a great spiel about our future together, use the intimacy card, take me to bed, and then for then entire next week not even touch me more than a few hugs here and there? Does this seem odd to anyone? Its starting to get to me.

Wayward spouses do crazy things. There's a thread around somewhere of the stupid things WAS's say to justify leaving, or to justify an affair.

He may be trying to see if there's something still there; it's not uncommon for a spouse to pull way back after a positive encounter.

He may be cake-eating; using your feelings for him to get what he wants from you without having to give you anything in return.

Who knows?

He hugged me yesterday when picking up the boys, he complimented my new haircut. Wished me a good night and was off. Hmmm? Maybe he's having second thoughts about the R talk? Maybe he changed his mind AGAIN! I dunno.

No, you don't. Which is why GALing will be positive for you because it'll take your mind off of it.

Trent, shave it off for sure. That would be such an exhilarating change for you to make! It might be the best thing you've done in a while! do it!

It'd feel weird, but I'll give it more thought.

[TrentC]

Hope you had a good night. See ya in the morning.

[Lll54]

Well, I officially failed. I failed at making boundaries. I dunno, there is too much hope in me to make these stupid boundaries! I'm a wreck. We had an awesome day yesterday with the kids. It was so much fun. We got along great. He called me "babe", which is something he always used to do. He flirts with me like crazy. We went trick or treating to my sis's house and she has this poster on her wall of jerry seinfeld and Chris made a comment that he wanted it for "our" house. All these friggen comments and mixed signals are driving me crazy! We were driving around trick or treating and since a month and a half ago we were in the middle of building a house we always comment on house colors. Well yesterday he was making comments on house colors like it nothing has happened! I am soooo confused! We then went and got take out and put the kids to bed and ate our food and watched the hockey game. You could tell he was sooo tired. He kept commenting on going to bed cause he's so tired. But just wouldn't! He complimented me probably like 5 times yesterday. Compliments on my body, hair everything! We hung out and watched t.v till like 1am. He finally said "I reaally need to go to bed" So he got up and said goodnight and went to the spare room" He called me in a few minutes later, so I went to the doorway and he asked me if it feels weird to me too sleeping in different beds and being in the same house. I said of course! It bothers me to no end. And he agreed and said it bothers him too. But that was it! So I said goodnight and he replied. And I went to bed. We hung out this morning before he had to leave at noon to play hockey. It was fun, we played with the boys.

Now why did he stay over? Nobody really knows. We didn't even discuss it. A week ago he had to stay for good reason. Last night? I'm not sure. It just happened. He just keeps dropping these frustrating comments. He was sitting on the couch with our littlest boy and asked me to come see this mark he had on his chest, so I went over and sat with them. Looking at his mark, realizing it looked like the beginning of eczema. Anyways, our eldest boy got jealous and came and jumped on too. So we were all sitting together on this couch and the boys were really in our space. And H makes the comment that he's being overcrowded. So I apologized and got off and he's like "no! not you! the boys!" He was making a joke about the boys jumping on us, but was sad when I got off. Ugh. So he got ready and left for hockey and said he'd call after the game. I just don't know what to do. 2 weeks ago, this definitely wasn't happy. I take our progress positively. But there is only so much I can take. Its so hard when he's here, and complimenting me, and called me "babe", I just want to grab him and hold him. Sometimes I feel like he tries to provoke me to say something. Like he's waiting for me to ask what is happening with us. He'll sit there and look at me and I don't say anything and he looks kind of frustrated. But I'm waiting for HIM to say something! I dunno. I'm a pile of nerves today, and frustrations, and tears. I haven't cried in over a week, and I can't quit crying. I just want my husband home full time in MY bed. Not the spare. Also, when I went to bed last night. Our 3 year old was in my bed and he was sleeping completely horizontally, so I kind of pushed him over and climbed in. I knew H wasn't sleeping yet so I text him from upstairs how he's lucky where he's sleeping cause he doesn't have to deal with kicks to the face from S. But he had his phone on silent and didn't get it. This morning he commented that he got the text this morning and asked me why I didn't come sleep with him if S was taking up the whole bed? I didn't really have an answer. Its like he wants me so bad, but won't admit to it! I hate it! Sorry bout the rambling. I'm just having a bad day. Seems like I have new positives everyday but just cant get over the mountain to R. Help!

[TrentC]

Well, I officially failed. I failed at making boundaries. I dunno, there is too much hope in me to make these stupid boundaries!

There's nothing wrong with having hope. You'll eventually figure out how to make these boundaries stick.

I'm a wreck. We had an awesome day yesterday with the kids. It was so much fun. We got along great. He called me "babe", which is something he always used to do. He flirts with me like crazy. We went trick or treating to my sis's house and she has this poster on her wall of jerry seinfeld and Chris made a comment that he wanted it for "our" house. All these friggen comments and mixed signals are driving me crazy!

I know. We all know. It's definitely frustrating.

We were driving around trick or treating and since a month and a half ago we were in the middle of building a house we always comment on house colors. Well yesterday he was making comments on house colors like it nothing has happened! I am soooo confused! We then went and got take out and put the kids to bed and ate our food and watched the hockey game.

Well, see, this could be a positive step then. If he's talking about "our" house and house colors, then maybe he is thinking about your house as "our" house again.

But the trick is not to get your hopes up. It'll take detachment, which is something I am finally beginning to get the hang of. We had a good day yesterday, and this morning felt like old times -- we joked and teased a little. And yes, I am hopeful, but I can't hang too much on it because she could (and likely will) pull back after a good day, and I don't want to have my hopes dashed.

You could tell he was sooo tired. He kept commenting on going to bed cause he's so tired. But just wouldn't! He complimented me probably like 5 times yesterday. Compliments on my body, hair everything!

If you want to tweak his chain, do what aflowergurlie has been doing; dress attractively and just take his compliments as no different than coming from, say, me.

We hung out and watched t.v till like 1am. He finally said "I reaally need to go to bed" So he got up and said goodnight and went to the spare room" He called me in a few minutes later, so I went to the doorway and he asked me if it feels weird to me too sleeping in different beds and being in the same house. I said of course! It bothers me to no end. And he agreed and said it bothers him too. But that was it! So I said goodnight and he replied. And I went to bed.

See, that wasn't bad. You let him know that you want to have things be different, but you didn't indulge him or let yourself get swept away. It's not the same as setting a boundary, but it has the same effect. If he'd pushed the issue, that would have been the perfect time to lay down the law.

I take our progress positively. But there is only so much I can take. Its so hard when he's here, and complimenting me, and called me "babe", I just want to grab him and hold him. Sometimes I feel like he tries to provoke me to say something. Like he's waiting for me to ask what is happening with us. He'll sit there and look at me and I don't say anything and he looks kind of frustrated. But I'm waiting for HIM to say something!

That's when you make an excuse to go into the other room. Maybe check on the boys or something. You might've gotten him to open up at that point.

I dunno. I'm a pile of nerves today, and frustrations, and tears. I haven't cried in over a week, and I can't quit crying. I just want my husband home full time in MY bed. Not the spare. Also, when I went to bed last night. Our 3 year old was in my bed and he was sleeping completely horizontally, so I kind of pushed him over and climbed in. I knew H wasn't sleeping yet so I text him from upstairs how he's lucky where he's sleeping cause he doesn't have to deal with kicks to the face from S. But he had his phone on silent and didn't get it. This morning he commented that he got the text this morning and asked me why I didn't come sleep with him if S was taking up the whole bed?

Try: "Aw, it wasn't really that big of a deal. He's having trouble sleeping because he's trying to deal with this the best he can." Then let it drop.

I didn't really have an answer. Its like he wants me so bad, but won't admit to it! I hate it!

Well, keep in mind that you may be right: he does want you, badly. So your goal is to make him understand that he can have you, when he's willing to work on the R. No more cake-eating.

[JAK58]

[/quote]Well, I officially failed. I failed at making boundaries. [quote]

Britt

I wouldn't say you failed at all. Think about it you could have easily ended up sleeping with him again, instead you went to your own room even after he called you in to the spare room.(which I think was to see if he could subtly get you to sleep with him)
You did well. It is confusing it hurts and we just want things to be better. It takes time.
Positive steps though.

JAK

[Lll54]

Thanks guys. Its just getting so hard. I know I need a little patience. And I know I should be happy with all the positive steps we're making. But it just feels like we're not going anywhere. I feel empty. I feel like even though he is flirting, and complimenting, and calling, and wanting to spend time together, it doesn't mean anything. I truly believe that! I feel like if things go the way they are going he will never come home. Why? He has a perfectly fine life right now. I dunno. So frustrated. And so frustrated with keeping my mouth shut. I am having such a hard time not bringing things up. And its only been a week since our last talk. But still, you would think something would have come out of it. And I guess a little did. Everyday is a new positive step compared to two weeks ago. But I just thought it would happen quicker. UGh! I just want to scream! But thanks for the reinforcement. Much appreciated.

I don't feel like I made any boundaries, just because he didn't actually ask me to sleep in the bed. I didn't actually have to say anything other than just go upstairs. That's what I meant about the boundary thing. If he had asked then maybe. But until then I don't feel like any boundaries where made. But I also have a feeling there will be no more asking.

[TrentC]

Thanks guys. Its just getting so hard. I know I need a little patience. And I know I should be happy with all the positive steps we're making. But it just feels like we're not going anywhere. I feel empty. I feel like even though he is flirting, and complimenting, and calling, and wanting to spend time together, it doesn't mean anything. I truly believe that! I feel like if things go the way they are going he will never come home. Why? He has a perfectly fine life right now. I dunno. So frustrated.

So it's time to go back to GAL, to keep your mind off of it. The holiday weekend is over; time to find reasons for you not to be available. Maybe he won't like his life so much if you and your kids start living yours without him.

And so frustrated with keeping my mouth shut. I am having such a hard time not bringing things up. And its only been a week since our last talk. But still, you would think something would have come out of it. And I guess a little did. Everyday is a new positive step compared to two weeks ago. But I just thought it would happen quicker. UGh! I just want to scream! But thanks for the reinforcement. Much appreciated.

You need someone like my friends; people who support what you are doing and will help you see it through. I have a couple of people that I can call or text at just about any time to blow off steam (or cry if needed).

As many people have said here, you're not running a sprint, you're running a marathon. Pace yourself -- time and patience are your main weapons. In SmileysPerson's awesome thread about his attempts to bust his divorce, he said this:

Because I'd forgotten, you see, the Real Point of Divorce Busting. It isn't to Rebuild Your Marriage.

It's to Stop The Divorce.

What do I mean by that? The reason we do this whole thing is, in a very real sense, to turn back the clock to the minute before Walkaway drops the Bomb. Yes, it's to improve the stuff that led up to that minute, but the outcome of successful DB'ing isn't a renewed marriage -- it's the opportunity to renew the marriage.

In that respect, every time you give him reason to rethink what he's doing, you win. Every day that goes by with no progress towards a divorce is another small victory.

I don't feel like I made any boundaries, just because he didn't actually ask me to sleep in the bed. I didn't actually have to say anything other than just go upstairs. That's what I meant about the boundary thing. If he had asked then maybe. But until then I don't feel like any boundaries where made. But I also have a feeling there will be no more asking.

If there is no more asking, then you should be fine. If there is, then it's time to set the boundary. The important thing about the boundary is that it's about your feelings (not his behavior) and that you're requesting him to honor your feelings -- but with some kind of penalty if he doesn't. Like, if he keeps trying to get into your pants after you set the boundary, maybe he doesn't get to sleep at the house any more.

[TrentC]

Hope your evening is going better. Take some time off to be with your kids and read your book.

Are you going to have your book report done? Or am I going to have to keep you after class?