Not sure what to do

[TrentC]

That's what "acting as if" is all about.

If you can keep up the appearance of being happy to be around her, and try to enjoy yourself without bringing your R up at all, then this could be a positive event.

The problem I see is that you've already pre-judged how it's going to go. You're already decided that she's not going to be comfortable, which is going to make you uncomfortable, which will make her uncomfortable.

So again -- I hope that works out for you.

[stu321]

I see what you mean and your right. I need to go feeling good and happy.

[stu321]

Just got home from our dinner and show. I took TrentC's advice and didn't go into tonight pre-determining the outcome.

It started well. She was wearing her wedding and engagement rings which made me feel good. I didn't mention them though.

We had a nice dinner and spoke a fair bit, not about our relationship, but just general things like work, our families etc. We even had a few laughs which we havn't done in ages. We were in stiches in the car on the way to dinner over something our son did during the week.

There were a couple of awkward moments over dinner where we didn't say much, but I tried to keep the conversation going.

I felt a couple of times, she tried to push my buttons by saying a couple of things that she knew I wouldn't like, but I didn't bite and I think she was a little surprised. Things like " does such and such know we're seperated" or "do they know that we're not together" This really put me off, but I tried not to show it. She's never actually said that to me before. When I left home, she said it was to give her space to work on her issues, not that we were seperating or that we wouldn't be together. Would be interested to get people's feedback on her comments.

At the end of the night, she thanked me for a lovely night and a good show.

I think the best thing for me out of tonight was the fact that she wore her rings, and now she knows we can go out for dinner without any pressures.

[TrentC]

Good for you.

[bluerain]

Hi stu, Im glad you had a good night. How are you feeling now? I know that after having a good time with your spouse, going back to reality can be tough. Also, after you do have a good time with her, be prepared for her to recoil. She may scare herself and pull back, probably only temporarily, but it could happen.

[stu321]

Hi blueraine, I wish I got this message earlier. That did happen, and we had a fight today. The conversation started off about our son, and then moved onto us. She said she would rather our son have 2 happy parents living seperately, than 2 miserable parents together. So I asked her if she was happier without me. She couldn't answer. I asked her if she has made up her mind to tell me, so I can get on with my life. If she hasn't decided, then I was happy for her to take what ever time she needed.
She then asked me to give her until next Sunday. I explained I wasn't after an answer, but if she has decided to end it, to let me know. As I said before, once she makes her mind up, there is little hope of changing it.

[TrentC]

So I asked her if she was happier without me. She couldn't answer. I asked her if she has made up her mind to tell me, so I can get on with my life. If she hasn't decided, then I was happy for her to take what ever time she needed.
She then asked me to give her until next Sunday. I explained I wasn't after an answer, but if she has decided to end it, to let me know. As I said before, once she makes her mind up, there is little hope of changing it.

And this is why you absolutely must drop the R talk, no matter how hard it is. Every time you push for an answer right now, you are more likely to get the answer you don't want.

Let her bring up the relationship. If she does, validate her feelings without supporting any kind of resolution. Your reponses should be something like:

"You and I are of different minds about this relationship. I feel we can make this work, but I won't stand in the way if you feel you have to leave."

SmileysPerson absolutely nailed it in his thread: DBing isn't about repairing your marriage, it's about changing course away from a divorce.

[Lost Rabbit]

I did all the time he was here, but took them off when he left, he had been taking his off for a long time and even when I asked him to wear them for family meetups he kept deliberately leaving it off, Im sure just to make a point! I have noticed that he does look at my ring finger when we are together sometimes, but honestly Im not sure I could ever put it back on, somehow it seems tainted now. So IF we were ever to get back together Id rather have a new one to go with some new commitment if that makes sense. But no he has never asked me about them. Oops missed some post will go and read them and come back!

Glad to hear the evening went well, Trent is right keep well away from any R talk, you have to look contented with your lot and start changing things, read some of the threads on the board, get informed on 180's and GAL, time is on your side use it wisely!

[stu321]

not sure if time is on my side anymore. She said she would give me an answer on Sunday.

[rockedworld]

But Stu, don't forget that no one gets divorced overnight. Even if she tells you on Sunday that she wants a divorce, there is still time. You can still use the DB strategies...