Slept with XH, help!!

[peacetoday]

cat
you said a lot
no none of this was fair
I still have my issues and thoughts about the OW now/wife
It is a process and it takes time
I will give the time to me to work thru that
My goal will be forgiveness
I believe our H do know or will know at some point the truth
what they did
what they chose
if it was the right thing
we as the LBS will grow and change

I stood for my xh for 2 years

then we D
then I met mt current BF
I resisted the R for 4 months

then it just happened now we are dating for 4 months
somewhere in this time my XH M OW--I let go more
you will definitely know what to do in another R
I am not promoting dating to anyone
just letting you know it is not dificult
you will know how to be with another when it happens
peace

[Kimmie Lee]

A, I certainly cannot fault you for feeling the way you do..

Also, there is absolutely NO empirical evidence that MLC even exists. It is simply used as an excuse to behave badly.

[fisherman]

It is simply used as an excuse to behave badly.

If you don't believe it exists, why bother posting in the MLC forum.

[trustingfaith]

Good point, Trapt. I was wondering the same thing.

[Augtan]

I believe 100% that MLC exisits...Kimmie I don't think you meant that you don't think it does, just that is also an excuse. I think once they come to realization they are in MLC they then use it for everything they want to do that is wrong, but still do it all because they are in MLC...if that makes any sense at all.

I know one day I will be attracted to someone else and it will just happen naturally, but I at this point, can't even imagine it. I have never been and will never be someone I am not, I will not be a "quick change artist" for a man. I have always had a magnetic personality, and I am sure it will once again attract a man when I am good and ready. I just don't go out there at all, so it isn't going to happen until I do. And, I mean, I am not seeking men out or even in social situations where any are...I am raising my kids and working full-time. I just don't do much else, which at this point is fine with me. I have my friends and family I do social things with at times, and how much I do it now is fine with me. When I get bored with that or feel the need, I will start doing more things socially that might put me in a place to meet someone.

I know there are many, many people who have no moral compass that will sleep with married people. And, honestly I don't care what their reasons might be, they are awful people who are home-wreckers. I don't like OW from many, many reasons, some of them are because of what she has done to me, but more so because of what she did to innocent kids. There is no excuse: depression, hate of self, attraction, etc. that is good enough be allow yourself to be a part of the destruction of a family. Really of two families cause she left her own husband and son too. But, the thing I don't appreciate the most is what my XH continues to do to my kids. My kids hate her, they are old enough to have formed their own opinion of her and what has happened to them as a direct result of her being in our life. The fact that XH cannot see that purley by being with her he is causing our kids unnecessary pain and making them have to deal with even more issues past what he has already done by keeping her in his life, is soooo crazy to me. I know he cannot and won't see it that way but that doesn't make it the truth. And, believe me I know it is completely out of my control, there is nothing at all I can do to make him see anything at all that he is doing or has done to anyone!! I told my girlfriend today, "I don't want to know what he is doing, where he is going, what is happening with OW because there is nothing at all I can do about it so why make myself miserable having to hear all about it??" I just want to do what I am doing and forget they exisit, and it is easier for me to do that cause I am 700 miles away. He is not in my driveway picking and dropping off our kids every other weekend or whatever. I am very, very lucky and thankful for that fact, most of the time, other times I think if we were in his face more often he would not be able to put us "out of sight, out of mind" so easily.

There is no way I would ever react the same way as I did if the same thing happened to me now. I don't react the same way to anything that happened weeks ago that I do today. I am changing each and everyday, but it is a process. When we first moved up here, I called XH everyday, crying, I called my neighbors to see where he was, etc. Now, I never call XH at all, if he calls and I answer we might talk, or if he calls the kids and asks to talk to me I talk to him and sometimes things he says sets me off and I say more than I want and wish I had bit my tounge. And, I am learning more and more and doing what I don't want to do less and less. 9/10th of change is acknowledgement!! You can't change what you don't acknowledge. I know I did a lot of things in my marriage that there is no way I would do again with XH or anyone else. I know and am learing more and more how to "react" to people the proper way. I never was one to start an issue, but I did react poorly when someone started something with me. It is a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life, I don't expect to be competely fixed EVER!! We are human.

Let me ask you guys something...XH has mentioned more than once that he wants to come up here for Thanksgiving...the last time we talked he said he would drive up on Thanksgiving Day and get here that night, staying till Sunday. I found that weird since that must mean that he isn't going to be with OW, but whatever!! I just don't know if I should invite him to our family Thanksgiving at my Aunt's and Uncle's house??? I know it would take some convincing for my family to allow him to attend, and I know I am setting myself up to be hurt when he goes right back to her after his visit. But, is it the right thing to do? Does it show him "Christlike Behavior", "unconditional love" and lets him again witness what he is missing by being out of our family? Will it just make things harder for my kids or easier? He most likely will not accept, cause I am sure he would feel really akward, but if he is at all coming out of his MLC he might accept to try to get in good graces with my family again. It is the only family he has ever known for 21 years, I am sure it hurts him not to have that anymore. But, he chose it and part of me thinks that being away and not a part of it all is the consequences of what he has done and the more consequences he has and feels the sooner he MIGHT see the light and come out of the tunnel of MLC..I just don't know!! I'm just not sure how to handle it and I have to know how quick, he is going to be asking and wanting to make plans ASAP!!

A

[trustingfaith]

IMO, I think you could extend the invitation to your family Thanksgiving with ZERO expectations, as long as you think your family would behave civilly. He can accept or not.

[cat04]

A,

I agree with TF. If you think that you can handle the holiday, with no expectations of anything other than dinner, then extend the invitation.

If you don’t think you can handle it, then don’t.

Peace,

I understand exactly what you are saying.

[Augtan]

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think it is fair to my family to invite him I really thought long and hard about it and it would ruin it for some people in my family. They didn't do this, he did, so they don't deserve to be uncomfortable at their Thanksgiving!! No one would be mean or rude to him, they would just be uncomfortable and feel awkward and they shouldn't have to feel that way at all on our family holiday. Maybe I will offer to make a Thanksgiving Dinner at my house for Friday night, just for me, the kids and XH. I don't know, right now I am once again angry at him. Got an e-mail for the realtor regarding our house and it just makes me remember how he has purposely lost it all for that wh**e! It makes me sick! I have said and done nothing, but want so badly to just shake him silly!! No matter how much I move forward or improve myself, it is always going to be that he did all this to us for no reason at all than MLC and pure selfishness!! He lost us so many things besides money, and I know many, many men and woman do this, but it is just so hard everyday to raise kids alone when you were promised over and over that would never happen!! I was told so many times that he would never leave me, never hurt me, never hurt our kids, that I was the love of his life, that I was everything to him and he couldn't imagine his life without me, etc. I'm sure most people heard this!! I believed him and I trusted him with my whole heart and with our kids, he just took all that and stomped on it!! No excuse in the world is good enough, these people do know right from wrong and to contiune to choose wrong makes no sense to me at all!!

A

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Also, there is absolutely NO empirical evidence that MLC even exists.

: )

My son does this too.

He states something so vehemently that it must be true. Some thing he believes to be true, he makes it true.

The fact of the matter is, the field of psychology is roughly split 50/50 on whether or not such a thing as Mid Life Crisis exists. Some believe in it some do not.

Personally...

Lets see.

So far almost everyone one of us LBS has said there is a script and that while individually the MLC are not the smae...almost all of there actions and words are similar...

Seems like a whole MLC Butt-Load of evidence to me, but I'm not a professional.

Aug,

Every poster has a story as to why they post like they do. Bear that in mind.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No excuse in the world is good enough, these people do know right from wrong and to contiune to choose wrong makes no sense to me at all!!

Aug,

With a logical mind...you're absolutely right.

MY wife was so crushed with overwhelming despair, and confusion...ANY choice she actually made ANY decision no matter how bad, was a relief to her. She made bad choices compunded with more bad choices because she didn't see how to get out.

This couldn't be her fault so it must be mine or the life we made, so that road was closed...and the more I tried to tell her it wasn't the tighter she closed it. So that path was gone for her.

Aug,

Honestly, you need to come to terms with this. As personal as this FEELS, it is not. This is internal for them and nothing you can do to make them see.

IF you keep up this line of thinking you are going to quit, and YOU are going to become bitter.

So look at yourself and use this time to fix the problems in yourself, and become a better person, if not for your husband, then someone else down the road. But do it.