Thanks,LFH. We all are people of value and should never forget it. The thing is we WANT to change around our M and while we draw boundaries, of necessity we tolerate things that are difficult to swallow long term.
Someone on this site said happiness is an inside job and they are right. I guess the key really is detaching which I can do successfully for long periods. But then this little voice in my head says "This whole OP thing is soooo disrespectful". And I tend to become fixated on that. Which is what can push many a LBS to become a WAS. You begin to conclude that you are better than this and it makes you wonder what message you are sending to the WAS by enduring this type of disrespect.
Wht do we stick it out? Commitmment, love, covenant with God, determination to know in your heart that you really did try.
It becomes clear to the LBS that we are not begging for crumbs from a table but if there is to be any hope for a new M we must get the whole damn cake. A NEW R will have to be NEGOTIATED with trust,respect, accountability and fidelity on the bargaining table. And understanding that we are human and one day we may need to be on the receiving end of forgiveness and frace. So we can't hold the past over our S head.
Right now, I am thinking that my H is damned lucky to be married to me. I am a ruby and I think that anyone who trades in a gemstone for cubic zirconia will soon realize that.
This all has been a lesson in toleration for us. I believe that Robx and Gucci are correct that we must become walk-aways ourselves in order to lift the fog from our spouses.
Why do we stick it out? For me it's my S5 and D3...otherwise I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense. I take full responsibility for my actions leading to my W wanting a separation, but it really does take "two to tango" for a marriage to work or not work. Kara...deep down...what is the single most important reason your sticking this out? At what point to you give up?
And I think you should change your DB i.d. from kara to ruby. I like to think of myself as a diamond in the rough.
Kind Regards, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Thanks, Looking. I suppose above all I do love him and I don't believe in walking away from something as fundamental as a M without trying my hardest.
That being said, I do feel that I have tried very hard over the past seven months. But my DB Coach reminded me that in MLC 7 months is not a long time.
Quick Update on the Weekend so far
Friday Night
I went straight to a friend's house from work and we then went out partying. I slept at my friend's house and did not contact H at all. Around 7 am he texted me to find out if I was ok which I confirmed and then to say he was glad to hear it. This was a total 180 for me as I have never done anything of this sort.
Saturday
I finally saw H Saturday afternoon when he was quickly in the house and out to destinations unknown. I later went out for drinks and dinner with friends. H returned home in the early a.m at which time I was fast asleep. Pity he didn't know I went GALing but so be it.I expected him to make sure that stayed out late in response to my being out all night. PREDICTABLE and it came to pass.Anyhow, I did leave evidence that I had been out lying around...
Today
A 180 for H. He has gone out for lunch and is dressed very nicely.
We have had little to say to each other since my blow up on Tuesday. Contact is limited to Good Morning and Good Evening.
Evaluation of the State of Play
I would give Kara the edge because of the brilliant Friday night 180 coming out of left field. Took H totally by surprise Not to be outdone, Kara's H responded with a Sunday lunchtime 180.
Evaluation of the State of Mind
I am very close to the edge of becoming a WAW now. I am truly fed up and in my blowup on Tuesday I basically told my H that I had had enough. I believe that my best bet to turn this sitch around is to let him SEE that I have had ENOUGH. That he will have to work to get me back. That I am no longer available. That if he thought I was sitting down waiting he is wrong.
We CAN influence their behaviour. Not control, but influence. All of my H's moves this weekend have been predictable in response to my 180.
Being Polite
I know that we are supposed to be upbeat and pleasnt in their presence but the pleasant part is a struggle for me. I barely feel like speaking to H let alone being pleasant. Right now I am being rather cold and I know it. I have to work on that. Maybe by tomorrow I will feel up to being nice. All part of my plan to be slightly erratic, destabalize the situation and keep him unsure of what is going on.
The fact that 2010 is fast approaching is getting to me. I look at chronological time and panic at the thought that 2010 could still find me DBing and possibly no closer to a resolution than I am now. This causes me to place myself under undue pressure to DO SOMETHING, CHANGE SOMETHING, FORCE SOMETHING.
I actually feel very stressed and could feel my heart racing all day long. Maybe I need to get some relaxation meds. Work has been extremely stressful , so it is not just a reaction to my sitch.
Oh, this has not been a good last few days but as Coach says " I can handle it". Note to self.
My bad days were this past W and R of last week. I took Friday off from work as a self-proclaimed "self-care" day. I suggest you do the same. My good friend at work is suggesting that I see her family doctor to get some meds for the "bad" days. You may be like me where I'm not depressed, but need somthing to take off the anxiety edge.
Be patient. I tried to force things and it backfired. Be patient. Are you working with a DB coach. If not, I highly recommend it.
Keep fighting the good fight, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Hi Kara, Thanks for stopping by my thread. Now have read yours and you have inspired me by many of your thoughts. You gave me a good 2x4 and it was just what I needed to hear. I hope you are not losing sight of all the ground you gained earlier in your sitch! You are in my prayers! Rocked
Nothing much to report except that I bought a killer pair of shoes today. So shallow, I know. But HEY, they make me FEEL GOOD!!! They are hunter green with pale pink piping. Trust me, they look good. LOL.
Also, at the mall where I went to purchase the said shoes, three young guys who looked to be in their twenties were next to me and telling me how awesome I look. Hah! And they were cute too.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good. Doesn't take much some days:)
