Thanks Trent... right back at ya! :-) Well, before our MC session yesterday he was really disengaging more and more. During the session the MC challenged him that by allowing the "inertia" of disengagement to continue, he was actually making a choice to end the marriage. MC challenged him that if he says he is not yet making a choice then he has to continue to give this a fair shot. So, we talked about that last night and he said he will work on that. He gave me a hug before going to the other bedroom. He says he doesn't know at this point whether we can work things out or not. I think the other reason I am so emotional today is that he made it very clear to the MC that he is definitely considering divorce. Although his actions have made that obvious, he never said it that clearly before. It was punch in the gut and I am still reeling from hearing those words.
Journaling, OK I am making the decision to get myself out of this pity party today. I have to. Yes, this hurts like hell. Too freaking bad for me. It is what it is. I can't do a thing about what H does/chooses etc. My kids need me to be ok. I need me to be ok. So there is no one to give me a hug and tell me it will be ok. So what. Yes, I am very alone. It is what it is. I will have to find ways to be ok. I will be ok. It is what it is. Now I am going to put some music on and do some housework b/c I feel better in a clean house. OK *deep breath*.... life goes on.....
oh the luxury of peaceful sleep.... when did I last experience that? oh yeah... life B.B. (before bomb). Life A.B. (after bomb) means sleeping pills and watching the clock ... *sigh*
In the first few weeks I found it best just to keep ridicuously busy in a bid to be so exhausted I had no choice but to sleep. Did get some anti-anxiety tablets but finally came off them because I got fed up of feeling fuzzy the rest of the time. It does get better the sleep, start trying to train your mind to detach, go through what ever it is thats keeping you awake, ask yourself is there anything you can do to sort it out now, if so go do it, if not write it on the pad by your bed to do tomorrow and then go to sleep, also I love my ipod playing music to relax me till Im nearly dropping off, never fall asleep with it on I'd probably get myself strangled lol! Keep going hun you will get stronger (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks Rabbit. I'm sure it will get better. I will try writing things down that roll around in my head. Trying to get some positive thoughts going to start the day with a PMA...
Rocked. Make sure you take at least 4 hours a week to just rest and do something by yourself. Treat yourself to something each week. A reward for yourself. You made it another week. Could be somthing simple like a nice bath and quiet music. Could be a little more complex like a nice walk , stop off at a coffee shop and treat yourself to some 4 dollar coffee. Build it up slowly. You need to learn to like and love yourself again as well. Once you figure this out you will never be alone again. As you will always have yourself.
I have not gotten to the point where I can go have dinner by myself. But I make sure to have some cutter time everyweek.
GAL has quite a few zig zags. You get so caught up in being busy that you burn yourself out. Downs will happen. Do not turn away from it. Work yourself through it. Its natural.
You know a good GAL to learn to play a musical instrument. Its something you can do at home while keeping an eye on the teenagers. It is something that has good goals that you actually track your progress on. You can even sign up for lessions. Its a nice evening out. 2 hours. Then practice. It will give you something to do.
Or join them in the Wii games or what ever game system they have.
I would do both.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Cutter - thanks so much for the encouragement! Actually, just before I checked this I was watching them play Wii... I will join in next time. :-) I love your idea about learning to play an instrument... I have been wanting to learn guitar for so long and never made the time for it. My friend taught herself on youtube videos... I could do that! My H has a guitar and I will just use it whether he likes it or not.. lol. He's hardly here to notice anyway. You are very right about taking care of myself and rewarding myself at the end of every week. I've been knowing I need to do that but haven't been doing it. Time to just do it.
On a positive note, I feel I did some successful detaching this a.m. that I am feeling very proud of myself for. H was very grumpy this a.m. and kept trying to "draw me in"... finding thigs to grumble about, complaining etc. I was cheerful, humming, keeping myself busy, made a nice brunch for the family told him he was welcome to join if he wanted or not... In the past I would have placated him when grumpy, trying to "fix" whatever was bugging him etc. I did not do any of that. I am very proud of myself and I feel much more positive! I am going to be ok. Maybe I'll actually sleep well tonight...
